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DP not committed...?

(38 Posts)
RealHousewivesofNorwich Fri 14-Mar-14 12:26:23

Hi, feeling a bit low atm and could really do with some outside opinions.

DP and I have been together for 7 years, cohabiting for 6. We are very happy together; have had a couple of ups and downs but came out stronger because of them.

Lately I've been feeling really broody and want to settle down - not straight away though, just in the next few years or so. But whenever I mention any of this to DP, he looks really uncomfortable. He assures me we will settle down though, but I always feel like he is fobbing me off when he says this.

Today I mentioned that I think we should start saving to buy a place of our own and he looked really uncomfortable again, and said nothing.

I'm thinking that he's just not ready in the same way that I am. Not sure where to go from here - don't want to nag him but also don't want to stay with someone who doesn't appear to want to take things any further.

Am I making too much of all this? Anyone been in a similar situation? Thanks in advance for your help!

meditrina Fri 14-Mar-14 12:30:33

If you are feeling low, you might want to ask MNHQ to move this out of AIBU.

The bottom line question that to have to ask yourself is whether he will ever be ready, given that 7 years is more than plenty of time.

And if he isn't (which is what yo seem to be describing), then is this a deal breaker for you now? How much of your life are you willing to give to these circumstances?

How old are you both?

Dahlen Fri 14-Mar-14 12:34:19

I think you need to have this conversation with him and put it to bed. Vague answers are unacceptable from him.

If you want to have children, you may not be able to with him. That's his right, but he would be a dishonest man lacking in integrity if he fobs you off during the years you are fertile only for you to find that the choice is no longer available to you when you reach a certain age. If he doesn't want children he needs to say so. Now.

What will you do if he says he doesn't want children nor does he want to buy a house with you? Because if you'll just remain sad or put up with it, you could continue like this for years.

Cigarettesandsmirnoff Fri 14-Mar-14 12:36:57

I do t think he is ever going to be ready. 7 years in and he is still not on the same page as you is a red flag.

Have a direct/frank talk about what you want/need from this relationship.

If his is not the same you have to make a decision if you can put your dreams and hopes aside for his or leave sad

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Fri 14-Mar-14 12:39:33

I think that you need to talk to him.

You have noticed that he has a response that suggests he is uncomfortable and I think that you need to have what may very well be a painful and difficult conversation where you are totally honest about how you feel and what you want and you demand that honesty in return.

It's not nagging someone to want to know where you stand, to want to make plans for a life together and if you can't do that, or they won't do that, that's a big problem because it won't happen by itself.

DoJo Fri 14-Mar-14 12:40:29

Echoing other - you need to have a frank and honest conversation with him and ask him to be specific about what he wants. If he is happy to toddle along and see how things go, then you need to know so that you can make a decision.
It's not fair for him to be 'vague' and non committal in the face of your increasing certainty of what you want. I hope you get the answer you want, but don't be tempted to wait until he 'changes his mind' if you don't - he may never do so and you might have to accept that.

WhateverLover Fri 14-Mar-14 12:40:50

I know how you feel OP. My DP and I have been together for nearly 6 years and living together for 3 but it is rented accommodation and we are ready to buy. However, every time I try and bring up the future any deeper than where we're going on holiday this summer, it turns into a row. So I bury my head in the sand and hope he will change. I guess I thought at 27 that I would be in a much more stable relationship by now.

Don't want to hijack your post but would welcome advice.

RealHousewivesofNorwich Fri 14-Mar-14 12:52:09

Thanks everyone. We're 28. Thing is, he asked me to marry him about 3 years ago. I said I wasn't ready, but over time that's changed. I guess I'll talk to him... Just have a feeling it will go the same way as previous conversations! Men, grr.

RealHousewivesofNorwich Fri 14-Mar-14 12:55:15

Sorry to hear that whatever lover, don't know what to advise, but perhaps an ultimatum might work? Have been thinking of doing that with my DP. That would at least let you know where you stand with him?

Pobblewhohasnotoes Fri 14-Mar-14 13:02:17

You have to talk to him. Burying your head in the sand won't work. What if another 10 years passes and nothing has changed? You could have found someone that did want to get married and have children.

Unfortunately some men (and women) do want to get married and they do, very quickly to someone else.

Communication is key in a marriage so you have to find out where his feelings lie even before that.

RealHousewivesofNorwich Fri 14-Mar-14 13:20:37

But I have talked to him on numerous occasions, the problem is the way he reacts. I'm not sure how to go about getting him to be open about it all?

Marylou62 Fri 14-Mar-14 13:23:55

Hi all. My DH and I have been married for 23 years and have 3DCs. He knew from the first time we met that having a ring on my finger and DCs was what I always wanted. (we weren't going out, just friends talking...I'm not that pushy!!!) Anyway he was always saying that he would NEVER marry or want kids. At a wedding once someone said to us, 'It'll be you next' He replied 'over my dead body'. I left him as was devastated by his reply and I could not see a future. I went to live in South America for a year. On my return, thin, brown with lots of tales to tell, we started dating again...was pregnant within a month and married the following year. I'm a firm believer in what's meant to be will be. You need to really talk to your partners and really tell them how you feel. I was really worried that that conversation would break us up. There is hope....I am here to tell the tale. Good luck to you all.

CoffeeTea103 Fri 14-Mar-14 13:28:13

Hi op, in 7 years if he hasn't changed his mind then it's probably time to face up to the truth that it won't happen. Also living together for 6 years is more than enough time to get to know each other and whether you're compatible.
You shouldn't have to keep bringing it up as if you are desperate, he should also want it to else it's just something he was forced into.

WhateverLover Fri 14-Mar-14 13:42:23

I've never given him an ultimatum but he knows what I want. He's said that he wants it too but just won't talk about it properly or make the commitment. We broke up for about 4 months last year and I thought, after getting back together things would be different and they're not.

It doesn't help that I am the youngest of my friends so most of them are married and/or having babies and I know I shouldn't compare to their relationships but it's hard not to when I seem to be living with a child!

expatinscotland Fri 14-Mar-14 13:46:13

Whatever, you need to find a flat and leave this man before you are 30 or older and no further forward.

AnswersThroughHaiku Fri 14-Mar-14 13:46:48

I think you need to
Push past the uncomfortable
Looks and have this talk.

expatinscotland Fri 14-Mar-14 13:47:46

No need for ultimatums, don't you feel you DESERVE a person who wants a committed relationship with you?

WhateverLover Fri 14-Mar-14 14:20:12

People keep saying that but I don't want to leave him. I want more but I want it to be with him. He recently said he wanted to try for a baby and I was all for it until I took a step back and realised what a mistake that would be. Bringing a baby into the world in our current situation would be crazy.

Cotherstone Fri 14-Mar-14 14:30:10

There really isn't anything else but to have a serious talk about it. DP and I had several serious chat about the same length of time into our relationship, and probably about the same age as you are, because things were just meandering along with no significant change and I realised I needed something to change.

You don't have to word it as an ultimatum but you do have to be calm and clear. Say that marriage, or buying a house, or children are important to you and you feel that you need to know where you stand. You need to actually know what he thinks.

I always kind of imagined getting married, though it wasn't overly important to me. We had the chat, DP said he really didn't want to get married ever but he wanted to have children with me, settle down, buy a house. That was what I needed to know to make my decision. Somethings in life are too important not know when you're facing 30, especially if you want children.

If he starts to react in a way you don't like just calmly tell him that this is very important to you and you would like him to listen to you and to reply to what you are asking. At the very least even if the first conversation scares him and he backs out of it, I would have expected my DP to think about it for a few days and then come back to have the conversation once he had figured out what he wanted to say. If your DP won't do that then I suspect you have your answer.

DoJo Fri 14-Mar-14 14:36:38

I want more but I want it to be with him.

Then you may have to decide which you want more - him or marriage and children. He may be vague because he's planning a huge romantic proposal, he might be vague because he doesn't know how to tell you that he doesn't want any of it, but until you know, you can't really make any decisions or plan for your future. If you do decide that you want him, regardless of whether he wants children etc, then you need to be really sure, because if you change your mind later on, it could be devastating to find out it's too late.

whyisthishappening Fri 14-Mar-14 14:49:56

A close friend is in a similar position.

She has wanted to settle down, get a house and have children for 10 years now.

She's now in her mid thirties and nothing has changed. I really worry about her. He acts like a student and shows no interest in having a mature relationship.

He knows what she wants but keeps putting things off. She loves him and doesn't want to lose him.

whois Fri 14-Mar-14 14:52:59

Hey OP. I could have written you post. In the last few months it's been playing on my mind that DP won't have a straight conversation about our future. Been together 7 years, lived together for 2.

Most of our friends are not married but in long term relationships, no one has kids. Most of our friends are early to mid 30s. I'm late 20's, DP mid 30s. It's not that he is 'immature' more that he is very focused on his work and can't really see outside of that. Which is in itself now starting to cause problems for me.

I can really relate to your feelings of wanting more, but with him!

WhateverLover Fri 14-Mar-14 15:03:39

Oh Whois, what is wrong with all these men! I think I had these delusions that I'd be married, living in a house with a white picket fence and 2.4 children by now and, now that I'm getting nearer to 30, I'm starting to panic!

I'm going to talk to him this weekend. We are on a long road trip and I will be driving so he won't have anywhere to escape to and I'm going to make him give me some answers. Wish me luck!

Pobblewhohasnotoes Fri 14-Mar-14 17:55:26

So you say you've talked to him, but what does he actually say? Does he say, yes I want to get married, yes I want kids? Or does he avoid your questions? If it's the latter then, sorry OP I think you have your answer.

How did he react when you turned down his proposal previously?

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