Am I a shit mum?

(32 Posts)
bordellosboheme Fri 14-Mar-14 09:14:07

I lost my temper this morning and kicked wood panels on the side of the bath 4 times (luckily didn't break) and then threw a bottle of washing up liquid dramatically into the bath....

Lots of things induced this rage, including dp making annoying throwaway comments, like lets put the lettuce there to rot away in the fridge, underplaying the importance of looking after my elderly dog who has just had an operation. Dp is facing possible redundancy, leaving me a potential breadwinner in the near future.

Then, ds climbed on top of the composting scraps in the kitchen, making rotting food spill everywhere and hurting himself. I shouted to dp to help, but dp carried on looking at his emails on the laptop. Whilst putting out the offending bin ds again slid on the remaining juices, before I had a chance to clean them up, and lay there screaming on the floor. Dp did nothing. I ran back, picked ds up and put him on the sofa. Then ran into the bathroom and then I lost it!

Are we a dysfunctional family? Am i dysfunctional?

I am worried about emotionally scaring ds 1 who is 2 like my dad di to me with his rages. I never felt quite 'right' and I blame my dads bad behaviour for this.

NigellasDealer Fri 14-Mar-14 09:16:07

do not worry too much i am sure you are not a shit mum flowers

Newgoldheelsrock Fri 14-Mar-14 09:21:41

Sounds as though you're very stressed out. Do not blame yourself. But maybe it's a sign you need to take steps to address what's wrong...you need more support from DH with DS, he can't make snide comments as it undermines all you're trying to do. Maybe you and DH need a long chat, no high emotions involved, and explain to him you are worried about coping (hence the rage).

When I lost my temper repeatedly and cried a lot I was diagnosed with PND. It was a relief there was something at the root of it.

The fact you want to address it alone means you are not a shit mum. The opposite.

Good luck, and go and have a cup of tea.

thanks

SpanishLady Fri 14-Mar-14 09:22:28

I have a temper too and it worries me - I just try to make up for it when I lose it and like you did go away from the child to vent ( I've silently screamed into a pillow once) being aware and caring about it is half the battle - maybe look up relaxation techniques?

Actually will take my own advice and do that myself!

clickers123 Fri 14-Mar-14 09:22:29

I once threw a pork chop at my husband. He'd come in and asked what was for dinner. I said 'chops'. He grimaced and I said 'what's up'. He said 'Nothing. It's ok, I'll gag it down.' So I threw a chop at him. My kids still laugh about this ten years later and are not damaged.

If you are asking 'am I a shit mum' and worrying about it- the chances are you are not! X

bordellosboheme Fri 14-Mar-14 09:28:04

Clickers that made me laugh out loud grin
Spanish lady, yes I guess we are all human aren't we and trying to do our best. Relaxation sounds like a very good idea. I wish I had gone to that yoga class last night!

bordellosboheme Fri 14-Mar-14 09:29:18

Newgoldheelsrock, thanks for those encouraging words smile

Nanny0gg Fri 14-Mar-14 09:30:05

No you're not.

Not sure about your DP's parenting (or lack of) though...

fluffyraggies Fri 14-Mar-14 09:31:39

My temper used to fly in my 20s and early 30s. It's calmed down allot in recent years. For eg. about 10 years ago i got in a rage and tried to kick a large sturdy plastic pedal bin out the back door. Except it rebounded off the frame and came back at me. This enraged me even more and i kicked it so hard i put my foot through it. This tore a chunk out of my shin. Ow. angry sad

The DDs saw it all. They were confused. Later we laughed about it.

I never raged AT anyone. Or even ABOUT anyone. I would get in a temper with things.

It seems to me OP that your DP could do with stepping up and helping you out more. A calm talk when the kids are in bed?

chocolatemademefat Fri 14-Mar-14 09:33:08

I have a terrible temper too but I dont think it makes me a shit mum. If your husband is content to sit on his e-mails ignoring chaos around him you should do the same. Put your son in his high chair out of harms way but dont clear up the mess - pour yourself a coffee and sit down and IGNORE everything else. People dont notice the things you do - they notice the things you DON'T do - so don't do them. Take deep breaths and calm down because after the tantrum and making yourself feel like shit you'll still have to clear the mess and deal with your son. Doesn't work on every occassion but works some of the time - and might make your husband sit up and take notice. And if your son's creating in his high chair move to another room and leave him with his father.
It takes a while but your husband will eventually get the message.

Ladame Fri 14-Mar-14 09:35:52

I threw a fried egg (still in it's pan) at DH twenty years ago. We had been driving back from work on a Friday night, I was tired and wanted a takeaway, he said no because he wasn't hungry. We got home and he decided he was hungry after all angry and asked what we had (nothing much because we did our shopping on Saturdays) but there was one egg left, so he wanted that and as I broke it into the pan, the yolk broke and he said 'I'm not eating that'. So, he wore it, luckily the pan missed him, but it made a dent in the plaster.

I'm sorry. It is horrible feeling like everything is on top of you.

I was / I am a shouter but DS told me how frightened they all got. Plus they were shouting at each other and DS was getting into trouble at school - which made me look at how I responded to stress.

I have guven up shouting for lent after going on another thread in parenting section. I looked at the Orange Rhino website which is the 30 day no shouting challenge. There's some good advice on there. I'm not even religious and never do lent - but so far so good.

It's getting easier every day which makes me think I'd got into a vicious circle to stress, anger, shout, stress etc.

I do feel calmer. I've told the family I've given up too so they know if I've shouted then I've broken my own rule. Actions and emotions are habitual so I'm hoping I'm breaking this habit.

You're not a shit mum. You're a human mum.

ENormaSnob Fri 14-Mar-14 09:44:28

You sound like a normal mum to me flowers

We all lose it occasionally.

You didnt do it in front of your child.

Is your dp always so fecking useless?

bordellosboheme Fri 14-Mar-14 09:47:48

Chocolatemademefat that is VERY good advice. Thank you brew

bordellosboheme Fri 14-Mar-14 09:48:19

Enormy tes, he's pretty fecking useless tbh

Marylou62 Fri 14-Mar-14 09:51:39

I once threw a yoghurt....went everywhere. I had to clean it up!! I don't generally have a temper...I just go quiet but my Dad did and I was worried too. But you sound like a good Mum and are aware of this. Try not to worry and as above posts have said and shout into a pillow!!! Poor pillow!x

Groovee Fri 14-Mar-14 09:55:57

You are not a shit mum. Sometimes things just get right on top of us and we have to just get it out of our system. Your dp could help more than being a man child making smart alec comments.

Have some cake and chill.

IsSpringSprangedYet Fri 14-Mar-14 10:02:17

I go upstairs into our shit tip of a bedroom and kick clothes about. Which never really helps as it makes more of a shit tip and it's hard to be cross when you have a top hanging off your foot. Or on your head where you've kicked it up too high.

Anyway... OP you aren't a shit mum. You are entirely normal. flowers

clickers I need to know, was it a frozen, cooked or uncooked chop? grin

Newgoldheelsrock Fri 14-Mar-14 10:53:19

Bordellos no worries- I've been there and it made me realise I had to address a few things. Even without PND I had a temper.

The throwing things has made me giggle because I can relate. I once threw a basket of laundry at my DH because he asked where his boxers were. He did fuck all in terms of laundry and the red mist came down.

The distraction on the laptop winds me up too. Maybe have set times and days for laptop.

Good luck -you're only human - you sound like you're doing all you can. Clickers I also want to know more about the chop. Awesome.

bordellosboheme Fri 14-Mar-14 12:14:49

Groove e I think the smart Alec comments are a major pain in the arse. Last night dp bent forward and his trousers seam spilt down the arse haahahhhahahaa. H said, why don't you do female things like sew my trousers? angry ah..... Because I am the one who ears double your salary as well as doing all night time childcare and being the only one who cooks, cleans, empties dishwasher etc. angry I would love to have time to idly sew stuff.... Ggrrr frothing at the mouth.

Groovee Fri 14-Mar-14 12:56:10

Bah, I wouldn't sew his trousers either for that comment. He can sew his own trousers. Little digs and comments like that constantly, no wonder you needed to let the rage out. Big hugs to you x

WorraLiberty Fri 14-Mar-14 13:03:50

Asking if you're a 'shit mum' is always going to get you emotive, sympathetic posts saying 'Ooh no of course not'.

What I think you should be asking is, 'Am I setting a bad example to my child, with my temper outbursts?'

The answer is yes (just as your Dad set a poor example to you).

I think it's definitely time to sit down with your DH and discuss your worries. If you feel he doesn't support you enough, then definitely talk about that too.

You don't sound like a dysfunctional family from the little bit you've told us.

But you do sound very stressed, so hopefully having that chat will help thanks

maras2 Fri 14-Mar-14 13:05:24

No way are you a shit mum or partner . All sorts of stuff happens in the mornings , when no one's properly awake . Just asking though , why in God's name do you have a near compost heap in the house ? Gotta be minging . We recycle all sorts of shit but keep it well outdoors . Anyway , kiss and make up . Life is too short . Mx.

bordellosboheme Fri 14-Mar-14 13:18:46

Maras2 it was a mini caddy which goes out to the big caddy outside, however, the big caddy blew away in the storm, so we are waiting for the delivery of a new one. So the little caddy was full.... I put it by the door ready to go out..... Dp didn't help because he thought it shouldn't have been there! Ah well.....

The consensus seems to be that ds will not be too psychologically scared by my bath kicking in another room. I agree it is a bad example to set though.

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