to be so, so upset about what my friend said (and not tell her)

(103 Posts)
dancingwithmyselfandthecat Wed 12-Mar-14 21:30:43

Ok, this happened a few days ago and I can't put it out of my mind.

Darling friend was on the phone, having a bit of a moan. She has a DD aged 18 months and was annoyed with her parents, her husband, her nanny, the whole world. I get that those days happen.

I told her she needed to forget about all the crap for the night, sack off the housework and read a good book with a glass of wine. She said that she just couldn't do that. I told her that she needed to make time to relax (she has a demanding job and does a full time week in four days) or she would be no use to anyone.

At this point she said, "But I can't do that now. I've got too much to do. Everything changes when you've got kids". And I (maybe stupidly) pushed the point that having kids doesn't mean you don't need a night to unwind once they are in bed. And she said "You won't get it. You won't get it until you have kids". I ended the convo politely and hung up.

The reason I don't have kids is because I had three miscarriages and a stillbirth in three years. I was devastated after the stillbirth, which was only a few months after her DD was born. I am not trying at the moment, because I need time to recover, and I might never be ready again. She knows all of this.

I get that she was in a bad mood, and I might have wound her up too. I get that it was a slip of the tongue. But I have spent hours with her and her DD, and I have spent hours listening to her moan even though it killed me, because I want to be a good friend and because I know that hiding away from the world of babies won't do anything to help me. The very least she could do was show a bit of consideration for that, or at least call to apologise.

I suspect that I am being unreasonable. But I feel like I was slapped in the face.

JackNoneReacher Wed 12-Mar-14 21:34:19

She sounds horrible and self centred.

thanks

BettyBotter Wed 12-Mar-14 21:34:33

sad YA SO NBU.

She was an insensitive cow and just feeling strung out and stressed with her busy job is not an excuse for downright nastiness.

Campaspe Wed 12-Mar-14 21:34:35

You were trying to help by listening and saying kind things. Maybe she genuinely feels she can't get away for the break she desperately wants, but I think it was grumpy and unnecessary to take it out on someone who was doing her best to help. She was insensitive and unkind given your history.

We all do unkind things sometimes. If it's a one off, I would try to forget about it. But too many hurtful comments, or being the butt of someone's bad mood too often, and I would distance yourself. I hope you feel better soon.

ChampagneTastes Wed 12-Mar-14 21:34:53

So sorry for your losses, that must be incredibly hard for you. Your friend was horribly insensitive (and clearly determined to be a martyr). If she has any awareness of the world around her, she will ring to apologize tomorrow. Hope you're ok.

ProjectGainsborough Wed 12-Mar-14 21:35:55

No, you aren't being unreasonable. Is she a good friend? Maybe you should raise it with her.

If I had said something like that to a dear friend (I'm assuming here that it was a stupid slip of the tongue and not utter selfishness) I would want a chance to apologise.

wine to you. It sounds like it's been a difficult few years. X

Only1scoop Wed 12-Mar-14 21:36:35

Yanbu....she sounds selfish and very inconsiderate of your feelings hmm

BlackDaisies Wed 12-Mar-14 21:37:41

What she said to you was very insensitive. For some people the first few months/ years of having children can be really tough and full on. But that 's absolutely no excuse for being unkind and thoughtless.

aderynlas Wed 12-Mar-14 21:38:38

Im so sorry for all you ve been through, dancing. You sound like a lovely friend and i hope your friend realises that shes been ever so insensitive and gives you a call to say sorry.

Electriclaundryland Wed 12-Mar-14 21:39:12

Actually she's wrong. Having kids doesn't mean you can't have a night off. She's being a very insensitive martyr and yanbu at all.

I'm sorry for your losses.

SallyMcgally Wed 12-Mar-14 21:39:48

You were not being unreasonable at all. Your friend should be on her knees begging forgiveness. I'm so sorry. thanks for being a lovely, generous friend, and I'm so sorry she said that to you.

JohnnyUtah Wed 12-Mar-14 21:39:57

She was very insensitive. She may be knackered, but she was really insensitive. Whether you stick with her depends on how she is generally, how good a friend. And she needs to apologise I think.

MohammedLover Wed 12-Mar-14 21:40:13

Sounds like you have been in a sad situation made worse by a chunk of insensitivity. Your advice for your friend sounded spot on....maybe you need to forgive her so that you can be free to feel better as she may be caught up in her world for some time yet and not even notice how she spoke to you.

CHJR Wed 12-Mar-14 21:40:36

Ok, OP. I have been in precisely your situation and had those sorts of stupid things said to me. Just remember this: I have been in your situation, and now am a mother, and now I FIND MYSELF saying some of those stupid things too. Try not to hold it against a friend. Your friends are the ones who are only part-time idiots. Save your anger for the full-time wankers, there are enough of them around.

Rommell Wed 12-Mar-14 21:41:31

It sounds to me like your friend is at the end of her rope. We all get there sometimes, as you say - it happens. However, what she said to you was unkind and unnecessary and in your shoes I would be upset as well. I am sorry for your losses and sorry that your friend has been so insensitive to you. It sounds like she wasn't actually looking for answers but more for someone else to agree with everything she says - good friends can do that with each other, and it works because you know that and there isn't necessarily going to be a resolution of the situation. But to bring your own circumstances into the discussion in such a way is not nice at all. I don't know where you go from here other than I would be waiting for her to make the first move (eg phone call etc) now and then maybe just say that actually you were really hurt by what she said, and that you can understand where she was coming from but that she needs to consider your feelings too.

Valdeeves Wed 12-Mar-14 21:41:46

I feel for you, I thought you were unreasonable until I read your last bit. She was being unreasonable - sending some comfort your way and wishing you peace of mind in your recovery from all you have been through xxxx

CaptainTripps Wed 12-Mar-14 21:44:17

So it is unanimous. I also believe she was an unfeeling bitch who was so caught up in her own life she forgot about your feelings. I am being generous there as I would hate to thinks she came out with that intentionally.

She needs to apologise. If she has no clue what she has done then shame on her!

SeaSickSal Wed 12-Mar-14 21:44:49

Oh fuck me that is awful.

I would end the friendship based on that, it was a terrible thing to say. And it wasn't a slip of the tongue because she said it twice, she repeated it. It was just out and out cruel.

I had fertility problems and that was one of the most hurtful things people could say.

YADNBU. I think you should tell her how much she has upset you.

Beastofburden Wed 12-Mar-14 21:46:16

I hope she is sitting at home gnawing her face off with guilt, saying "I can't believe I said that" and wondering what the hell she can do to make it up to you.

If I made that kind of stupid mistake I know I would.

But maybe she has put your suffering to the back of her mind. Maybe she even thinks you are "over it now" because you are so good at hiding it when she moans on. That would mean she didn't mean to slap you in the face, she just doesn't get it.

I completely understand why you do what you do. I have many friends whose kids are the same age as mine. My younger 2 are disabled, the youngest very severely. I listen to my friends moan about their non-disabled kids, fret about whether they will get enough a*s and have they done their cello practice, tell me all the wonderful things they are doing, and I smile and take an interest because what else do I do? If I always show how painful it is, I will lose friends because they will feel awkward around me.

Perhaps, though, in this case, it is worth reminding her of your pain.

DrOwh Wed 12-Mar-14 21:46:46

She seems very inconsiderate. By the way, she is soooo busy but she has time to be on the phone moaning about her (probably) privileged life.
Why wasn't she using this time to relax, nap, read or do whatever she needed to do?

I would cool a bit off if I was you, she is not at the moment, appreciating what a great friend you are.

Yanbu to feel this way, what hurtful words from your friend. Shame on her. Yes, people say things like that but they should have the temerity to apologise afterwards.

I really think you should tell her that she upset you. You are a strong woman to experience what you have been through and not hide away. thanks

cees Wed 12-Mar-14 21:50:59

This kind of thing would eat me up unless I confronted her. I know you don't want to but you might have to if you can't forget how nasty she was to you. I couldn't.

dancingwithmyselfandthecat Wed 12-Mar-14 21:51:52

Thanks guys

It was two days ago and she hasn't called or texted. I suspect she either didn't realise what she said or that it would hurt me.

I'm scared to bring it up myself. I don't want everyone to be on eggshells around me. I do my best to put a bright face on the world - I have been in counselling and am on anti depressants, and I set up a business about a year ago because I needed something to throw myself into. I want to be a good friend and involved in people's lives. I just want a tiny bit of gentleness.

pancakedayiscoming Wed 12-Mar-14 21:53:06

I'm in your position op, and I've been told when asking after someone's sick baby "at least you don't have to change 20 nappies a day". Thankfully, although she knows my history, because or ohs are good friends, she is not a dear friend of mine and I simply won't see her again. If a dear friend had said something like that I would let her know, give her the chance to apologise...if I was feeling brave. I get the sense I retreat more than you do op.

SilverSixpence Wed 12-Mar-14 21:55:54

That was a horrible thing for her to say. She should have apologised as soon as the words left her mouth. To not have apologised yet would mean the end of the friendship for me.

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