Feel like DD & I have betrayed our friends

(90 Posts)
Joolsy Wed 12-Mar-14 18:29:31

DD goes on school camp soon. All the pupils going got to write down 1 friend that they wanted to be in a cabin with. When we first put their names down for camp, DD's friend (M)'s mum said it would be good if our DDs put each other's names down and I said I'm sure they would as they are close friends. However another girl (K) is going who is also a good friend of DD and probably has more in common with her and would probably have a better time sharing a cabin with. K & my DD decided to put each other's names down but not to tell M so as not to upset her. M assumed that DD would be putting down her name. Now M's mum (who is also a friend of mine) has found out - she's not angry but it may be that M is paired up with one of the unpopular girls in the class and I'd feel really bad if her experience of camp is ruined because of this. I haven't denied or confirmed whose name DD put down but I don't want to lie but how do I say that DD put down K's name as they felt they'd get on better sharing a cabin? I could ask that the 3 of them share a cabin with someone else as well as this could be possible but I feel one of them will be left out. How to handle it? Thanks

anothermakesthree Sat 15-Mar-14 15:54:03

Wrong on so many levels. On my dd1's camp form, they
were allowed to put one name down...'somebody I would like to get to know better'. Much healthier, the rest was random allocation to mix friendships groups. These kids were in yr6 and by then pretty much knew everyone in their class.

HolidayCriminal Sat 15-Mar-14 14:16:19

Some of the most gossipy people at DC primary are dads, well-involved.

If I were OP I'd text back something like "Sorry, I guess those were [DD's] choices, she hated having to choose." and leave it.

Actually, 6th grade camp was for me (as one of the unpopulars) a revelation. I bunked with a completely different school and so was treated like a normal person. I found this very freaky (not to be constantly bullied by peers). Start of a wakeup call.

DC School LIED. they said everyone would be in a room with at least one person they had named. Instead they stuck DS in with a bunch of kids he didn't choose or like or know (or name). So he refused to cooperate & we had to go fetch him after 90 minutes. £85 well wasted. Am very very wary of school residentials now; over my dead body will DS2 ever go on one.

Roshbegosh Sat 15-Mar-14 11:02:18

OP would feel very differently if K and M excluded her DD and didn't tell her because it would upset her. Butt out OP.

Floggingmolly Sat 15-Mar-14 10:44:33

Apparently they are, paranoid. If you've ever wondered what happens to the school bullies after they leave, look no further than this sorry tale.
They have kids, then proceed to stage manage their interactions with their peers from outside the school gates. Sickening.

Comeatmefam Sat 15-Mar-14 08:56:41

And, come on, the OP didn't say in her OP 'My daughter has suffered bullying at the hands of X and I don't want her to end up in a room with her' did she? She'd have got completely different responses if she had.

mynameisnotmichaelcaine Sat 15-Mar-14 08:53:09

They are pretty unpopular because of their behaviour, yes! But no, I would probably not describe them that way.

Comeatmefam Sat 15-Mar-14 08:27:45

School trip beginning of year 6, sorry

Comeatmefam Sat 15-Mar-14 08:27:22

I just asked my dd, year 5, what she thinks of this. She has a school beginning of year 6.

Now my dd is absolutely terrifying very strong minded, has children she strongly likes and dislikes in her class...her view?

'Oh my God it's so embarassing her mum is involved! Mum promise me you will leave this all to me and not write about it on Mumsnet!! And also I wouldn't care if I ended up sharing with NAME OF GIRLS SHE DOESN'T LIKE because you don't always get what you want and I'd be with my friends all day anyway'.

Mynane, so would you describe those girls as "unpopulad" or as "bullies".

We know what unpopular means (not many friends, not seen as cool, does not get invited by others).

Obviously bullies are often not popular, but to equate "bullies" with "unpopular girls" is what is disingenuous.

ParanoidLucy Sat 15-Mar-14 07:56:38

Are parents actually like this? Engineering friendships and dividing young girls up by their perceived popularity. I have heard it all.

You need to step back . This is kids stuff and you are sounding foolish.

mynameisnotmichaelcaine Sat 15-Mar-14 07:56:17

Some of you are being a bit disingenuous here. DD is Year 5, and has had terrible trouble with some of the girls - swearing at her, kicking her etc. I would absolutely not want her sharing a room with them on a residential.

Comeatmefam Sat 15-Mar-14 07:44:47

I'm afraid I agree with others - you are not only micro managing your dd's friendships and being crazily melodramatic ('betrayed'!!!!!!) but your use of 'unpopular' speaks volumes.

Why don't you stop defending yourself and listen to the views on here and think about your behaviour?

Roshbegosh Sat 15-Mar-14 07:42:46

You need to keep your petty nose out, this level of control is weird. M has learnt that people can be two faced and dishonest. Your DD didn't tell her so as not to upset her eh? Where is the logic in that? She was upset in the end wasn't she, and lied to by someone she thought was her friend.

Does anyone know of any dads who micro manage their kids friendships? I don't. Is it a women's thing then? How sad.

OP, you said "one of the unpopular girls", no amount of back pedalling can change that.

Your statement was clear and I am glad so many took you up on it.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter Thu 13-Mar-14 12:33:21

Thank you Nigella grin

NigellasDealer Thu 13-Mar-14 12:30:54

great username btw, 'thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter'

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter Thu 13-Mar-14 12:26:28

Fiscal I've experienced mums of boys being exactly like this sad

I hate all this forced friendship cliquey malarkey. My mam did this and I was so sad and confused for getting in 'trouble' for playing with a girl she didn't deem good enough for me. It's a horrible position to put a child in.

2rebecca Thu 13-Mar-14 11:42:30

I think your daughter should have told M she wasn't putting her down so M could ask someone else. You and M's mum should have stayed out of it. When the mum asked you you should have told her you'll leave it up to your daughter. It was a mean thing of you and your daughter to do to M and her mum though. Yes your daughter should choose her companion, but she should not have lied to/ misled M out of cowardice.
Sometimes unpopular kids are bullies or disruptive and not someone you'd want to share a room with for a few days. There's being unpopular because you're shy and being unpopular because you're an unpleasant pain in the bum.

ADishBestEatenCold Thu 13-Mar-14 11:40:23

I don't get it.

First you say "All the pupils going got to write down 1 friend that they wanted to be in a cabin with" and that your DD chose very close friend K to share a cabin with, rather than other very close friend M (who happens to be the DD of your friend and who also happened to be under the impression that she and your DD were going to chose each other).

Then you say "They all put down 2 names - DD put down the other girl plus one yr 6 girl who she likes" so if, in fact, they were allowed to put 2 names down, why didn't your DD chose K and M?
Perhaps your DD doesn't really consider M such a close friend after all. Perhaps M only imagines that closeness, but it only exists on one (her) side to that degree. Maybe the friendship wouldn't have continued, at any depth, if it hadn't been for the friendship between you and M's mum.

Sadly, I think this girl could end up feeling hurt and left out at camp (especially given the way that it has happened), so perhaps the best thing would be (while there is still time for her to arrange other camp friendships/cabin arrangements) to be upfront.
Maybe your DD would feel equal to kindly explaining to M that she (your DD) had actually chosen K. If you DD can't do that, or even in addition to your DD doing that, perhaps you should simply say (to your friend, M's mum) that you know your DD has chosen another girl to share with, but you hope they all get the chance to go around in a group, and that you hope that this (information your giving) leaves time for M to chose another friend to share with.

NigellasDealer Thu 13-Mar-14 11:35:22

fair enough but what you actually said was 'partnered with one of the unpopular girls' didn't you? (my italics)

Joolsy Thu 13-Mar-14 11:33:24

Yes I can imagine it must be v hard if you find yourself without a partner - when I said she was unpopular, I meant mainly with M as she's been pretty awful to her over the years. I apologise for my use of the term 'unpopular' - maybe I should have worded it better - I just meant that M might have been upset if she'd been partnered with her for the camp but hopefully the school might recognise this. Sorry if I offended anyone, it was not my intention - my DD is certainly not part of a clique of any kind and tries to be friends with anyone. But your advice has been very helpful and I'll trust my DD to make her own decisions where friends are concerned. Thank you all.

Branleuse Thu 13-Mar-14 11:32:04

oh no, not an unpopular child?? how dreadful

tiggytape Thu 13-Mar-14 11:29:46

I hate this kind of thing. If the school want the girls to have some say then ask the girls at school. Or better still, don't ask them at all and tell then which cabin they'll be in and expect them to get on with it and then refuse to put up with any nonsense about popular and unpopular girls being forced to mix!

The worst thing to do is to involve parents who want their child to simultaneously be in the nicely behaved and very popular group even if it means publically (in this case now it has become known) selling another girl out to engineer the best option for their own child.

Some parents seem too inclined to be totally selfish in all of this that I just don’t' think they should be involved unless there is a genuine welfare issue to consider.

Lottieandmia Thu 13-Mar-14 11:22:31

Joolsy, don't you think it's a bit ironic that you came here concerned that you'd hurt someone's feelings but you couldn't give a toss about what happens to the 'unpopular' girl?

hunreeeal Thu 13-Mar-14 11:20:38

I used to be "unpopular". I can tell you it's miserable to be excluded time after time when everyone else seems to fit in. If anyone had taken the trouble to include me in things it would have made such a difference.

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