Are we being unreasonable

(121 Posts)
stinkypete71 Sun 09-Mar-14 09:08:28

Quite complicated this, basically my husband moved 3 hours away from his kids a year & half ago & we've had regular contact, we meet half way every 2 weeks and share the holidays, but his ex has recently had a baby & is now refusing to bring them every other weekend, it might settle down and get back to how it was before, it's just worrying as his daughter is only 9 and is feeling really down and just wants to see her dad. My husband was and is very close to her... any advice anyone?

mymiraclebubba Sun 09-Mar-14 09:30:48

Unfortunately she is correct! And a court will probably rule the same if it was to go to that! As far as the court sees it her role is provide access not to do the drop off/pick up (just gone thru it with dsc's) which is shit but how it is seen I am afraid.

She may have contributed to the need to move but 3 hours away?! Really?!

I have a 6 month old & if dp's exw upped and moved 3 hours away with the kids I sure as he'll wouldn't be driving to fetch or drop off every other weekend! She has been more than accommodating imo so I think you and do need to either such it up or move closer

LucyLasticBand Sun 09-Mar-14 09:31:22

well her new partner can bring the 9 year old then, problem solved.

this is how we managed when i was a child, met halfway.

cherriesblossom Sun 09-Mar-14 09:31:25

Agree with the posters who said he choose to move = he has to suck up the cost of travelling to see kids.

Sorry if its sounds harsh but why would you move to a place so far from your kids that you couldnt afford to travel to see them? I think ex has been v.reasonable so far tbh.

Supercosy Sun 09-Mar-14 09:33:03

That is a HUGELY long journey for all concerened at the beginning and end of a weekend. Bearing in mind the time and money it will take it surely isn't going to be possible to keep contact the same at the moment is it? Just being practical. Is there any way the ex would consider the 9 year old DD coming to yours for longer during the holidays or something like that to compensate for maybe doing one weekend a month? I know it's not the best solution but what else can you do if you can't fund the full round trip and the ex (understandably) can't or wont do half way?

WooWooOwl Sun 09-Mar-14 09:34:54

How come your DH had no choice but to move three hours away, and what part of that situation is the ex's responsibility?

Meepers Sun 09-Mar-14 09:38:58

Ultimately your husband chose to move the distance he has. It sounds like his ex has so far been very good with helping to maintain access.

Sorry if it's harsh but start making cut backs now. He will be needing the extra money for travelling to see his children,

tripecity Sun 09-Mar-14 09:39:04

OP, you need to explain more as we all think its up to DH to do the running. Please explain why he shouldn't as we do not understand your point of view

Meepers Sun 09-Mar-14 09:39:41

Also I'll ask again, have you considered the train?

needaholidaynow Sun 09-Mar-14 09:40:27

The ex has a very small baby, so she will still be recovering and might not fancy doing the trip. She might also could do with the help from her partner, so he might not be able to do the trips either.

The same would apply if the shoe was on the other foot. Say you had a baby with your partner. His ex might have to do the travellng for a while if you needed support from your partner.

FrogbyAnotherName Sun 09-Mar-14 09:44:27

I wish NRP's lives were as perfect in RL as in MN world.

NRP loses job, MN-vipers condemn him for not financially supporting his DCs.
NRP moves away to get job, MN-vipers condemn him for moving away and not being able to afford to travel to see his DCs.

Give up, OP, your DP is wrong by default.

FunkyBoldRibena Sun 09-Mar-14 09:46:33

but the bit that really gets my blood boiling is her argument is now that legally they dont need to bring them half-way, she is providing access, if we cant get to them - tough!!!

I don't know why it is getting your blood boiling...that's how it is. the Ex has been extremely reasonable up til now. And I'm talking as a step mum here. He moved away and it IS up to him to travel to see his daughter. That's his responsibility...why should the ex take 6 hour out of her weekend every time he sees her? It's ludicrous.

You are being unreasonable.

WooWooOwl Sun 09-Mar-14 09:47:00

Until the OP gives the reason why her DH had no choice but to move three hours away, we don't know that he had to move for a job. We don't know that it was impossible for him to get a job closer.

That will be why people are asking for more information.

LucyLasticBand Sun 09-Mar-14 09:56:10

well, it is nearly easter holidays, so is the 9 year old staying for them?

springykyrie Sun 09-Mar-14 09:57:12

Let's not assume that �15-�20 per week may be affordable if people cut back on something else. Some people are right up to the wire and don't have spare � floating around, no matter how they cut their cloth.

I think YABU if your blood is boiling, though. It's a huge schlepp per weekend to be driving such huge distances and she has been very fair so far.

Supercosy Sun 09-Mar-14 10:49:42

I see what you mean Froggy but OP hasn't said that is the situation at all. Maybe it is, in which case people would probably have responded slightly differently but the fact that she hasn't suggests to me that is not the case. That's not to say that moving that far away is necessarily wrong, just that it creates a really tough situation with regards to seeing his Dd and not one that EITHER side can cope with on an the basis of alternate weekends.

Supercosy Sun 09-Mar-14 10:52:10

Is it possible for your DP to skype his Dd? I know that's not ideal but it has been a godsend for friends of mine who are separated from their loved ones.

Smoorikins Sun 09-Mar-14 10:58:34

I haven't seen anyone 'condemning' the nrp.

But hey, feel free to spin it any way you choose.

stinkypete71 Sun 09-Mar-14 11:04:54

Thanks for all your responses - interesting... FYI they'd already split up so there was no adultery commited and I can't go into detail re the financial situation but it was both sides that had got themselves into the situation they were in, my partner took on the debt as he thought it might bring them together again & once he realised it wouldn't they fell apart, this resulted in his decision to move 3 hrs away, he couldn't do anything else... I'd just like people to know that...

lola88 Sun 09-Mar-14 11:05:29

Why should she have to leave her newborn all day for you to have contact? I don't believe you can't find the money for the trip twice a month if your DH really wanted to see his children he would find the money.

WooWooOwl Sun 09-Mar-14 11:10:57

That doesn't really explain why your DH had no choice but to move three hours away, but you aren't obliged to give more detail if you don't want to.

I still think that as he chose to move that far away, it's his responsibility to do the travelling.

The ex and her actions may have been fundamental to the reasons they spilt up, but that doesn't change your DHs responsibility to his daughter.

Meepers Sun 09-Mar-14 11:13:44

Sorry the debt has little to do with why he had to move away. I'm not sure I understand the relevance...

Bowlersarm Sun 09-Mar-14 11:17:58

Sorry, OP, but I'm with the majority. Regardless of whether you chose to move 3 hours away or not (although can't understand why it had to be so far), the fact is he did move 3 hours away from his daughter. The onus is on him to make sure she can get to him and back.

You could argue that his ex has been exceptionally kind to facilitate the meetings so far by travelling half way.

Your dh really needs to take over now, at least whilst the newborn is still very young.

" this resulted in his decision to move 3 hrs away"
OK, I'll assume the only job he could find that would pay enough to dig him out of a debt hole was three hours away ...

But even assuming that, travelling to see his children is STILL your husband's responsibility. That much travelling, a six hours round trip, on a regular basis - that sounds pretty tough on a nine year old. Does he REALLY need to be three hours away? Should he maybe be job-hunting closer to his daughter's home?

Electryone Sun 09-Mar-14 11:22:28

Sorry Im not understanding a link between money, debt and moving 3 hours away...not asking for any particular financial detail but fail to understand why it had to be 3 hours away.

Monetbyhimself Sun 09-Mar-14 11:27:43

Did you move with him when he moved OP ? Or were you already living where he is now ?

His Ex has been more than reasonable. If he GENUINELY can't find an extra £30 to cover the petrol then it may be reasonable to suggest reducing maintenance by that amount.

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