AIBU to want to be more important than the ex wife?

(184 Posts)
tintingirl Sat 08-Mar-14 12:14:57


Partner of 6.5 years. We don't live together and he has had real issues with boundaries with his ex wife (divorced 2 years before we met, she left him). Had spent countless hours sorting it out.

One thing that he promised me was that he would always speak to me before agreeing to a variation of the usual childcare pattern with her. She requests that he varies the pattern on a weekly basis and his default has always been "yes" irrespective of whether we have plans. I have spent many evenings sat alone in the theatre/cinema when she has asked him to switch nights with him at the last minute and we already have tickets...

Anyway, I've been away with work and we haven't seen each other much. He hates me being away/doing things without him so I have had ALOT of texts with him being "needy".

This weekend we have time to spend together. Saw him briefly on Wednesday but I spent the time "helping" him - his washing machine is broken so he bought over about 6 loads of washing which I have done. I've also helped him with some work stuff.

We planned a day having along walk with the dog in the sunshine, a meal out and then go to the cinema. Lovely.

Then he tells me his ex wife wants a night out and his almost 18 year old son is working. So he needs to take him to work. His ex is 15 miles away so at 5pm he needs to drive the 15 miles, pick up son, take him 5 miles to work and then drive the 20 miles back. OK, an annoyance, but fine.

EXCEPT, he then needs to do the whole thing again at 11pm when his son finishes work. So we can squeeze in the meal but cinema is out and he'll be clock watching all night. Refuses to suggest son gets a cab. Said yes to ex wife without even mentioning it to me. Said he'll leave at 10.30 and be back around midnight.

I am sooooo angry that he is prioritising his ex-wife's social life over me. It is SO rare for us to have a Saturday together as we both have our kids alternate weekends and his ex ALWAYS has some kind of "job" for him on the Saturdays we don't have the children.

In a fortnight it is his son's 18th and I won't see him all weekend as his son has made plans which only include my partner and his ex wife (excluding me and the ex's new husband) so this is our last chance for a month. I just wanted us to have a nice saturday together - but my partner thinks it is more important to allow his ex wife to go out unhindered by the responsibility of collecting her son from work.


LauraBridges Sun 09-Mar-14 10:03:39

he isn ot good with money.
There is nothing wrong per se with paying maintenance to an ex wife (for her, not the children) whilst having your children with you 4 nights a week. I paid my ex husband (I earn more) and yet the children live with me - it is how divorce law works in the UK but he is treating you like a long term partner rather than someone he needs to woo and persuade and if he wants you he will need to work a lot harder. He does not have much to offer.

As others have said above there are loads of good men out there without any children at all or children who are over 25 and beyond needing lifts and without a recent ex wife in the picture.Go for one of those.

YouAreMyRain Sun 09-Mar-14 10:47:52

Well done Tintin.

If you ever doubt your decision, read this thread again. You are worth sooooo much more. Better to be on your own than with someone who makes you feel unworthy.

(Maybe take some time to explore why you put up with this for so long)

"LOTS of texts from him. Replied to the odd one. Then lots of texts asking advice about stuff he thinks I would approve of ... Then he rang me with all his justifications ..."
I would consider blocking his number. He's clearly not understanding the word 'dumped'. Whilst his ex-wife is willing to make use of that lack of understanding, I think it would be better for you to hammer it home and hold firm. There is nothing for you in a relationship with him except disregard, lack of respect and a constant drain on your self-esteem.

What a twat.

You're well rid.

TheCalvert Sun 09-Mar-14 14:52:23

Is it possible he is still in love with his XDW? He is spending more time with her and doing stuff for her than the OP...

He's a prat, you don't need him!

MaryWestmacott Sun 09-Mar-14 16:52:18

So at least he's honest - he doesn't consider a date with you to be important. So it'll be fine if you end your relationship with him, because you aren't important to him, he's not going to mind losing you, what with spending time with you being an unimportant thing.

Cerisier Sun 09-Mar-14 17:19:19

Stick to your guns OP.

He won't change, but he will try to persuade you that he will. I can't believe how he has treated you. Your birthday story made me feel very sad on your behalf.

stayanotherday Sun 09-Mar-14 19:13:21

That's a good post mary he isn't bothered about OP. I think he'll text for a while trying to prove himself as you split up before so perhaps he still has hope. I hope you stand firm. It may be hard at first but you're better off. It is a pity.

Quinteszilla Mon 10-Mar-14 10:20:15

No, a date with op would not be important, not when he had already had her do all his laundry, and fed him. Then he might as well bugger off and do chores for his ex. His needs for housekeeping had been met. He must be panicking now he has to do his own laundry!

Well done for realizing this, and good riddance.

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