AIBU to want to be more important than the ex wife?

(184 Posts)
tintingirl Sat 08-Mar-14 12:14:57

Namechanged.

Partner of 6.5 years. We don't live together and he has had real issues with boundaries with his ex wife (divorced 2 years before we met, she left him). Had spent countless hours sorting it out.

One thing that he promised me was that he would always speak to me before agreeing to a variation of the usual childcare pattern with her. She requests that he varies the pattern on a weekly basis and his default has always been "yes" irrespective of whether we have plans. I have spent many evenings sat alone in the theatre/cinema when she has asked him to switch nights with him at the last minute and we already have tickets...

Anyway, I've been away with work and we haven't seen each other much. He hates me being away/doing things without him so I have had ALOT of texts with him being "needy".

This weekend we have time to spend together. Saw him briefly on Wednesday but I spent the time "helping" him - his washing machine is broken so he bought over about 6 loads of washing which I have done. I've also helped him with some work stuff.

We planned a day having along walk with the dog in the sunshine, a meal out and then go to the cinema. Lovely.

Then he tells me his ex wife wants a night out and his almost 18 year old son is working. So he needs to take him to work. His ex is 15 miles away so at 5pm he needs to drive the 15 miles, pick up son, take him 5 miles to work and then drive the 20 miles back. OK, an annoyance, but fine.

EXCEPT, he then needs to do the whole thing again at 11pm when his son finishes work. So we can squeeze in the meal but cinema is out and he'll be clock watching all night. Refuses to suggest son gets a cab. Said yes to ex wife without even mentioning it to me. Said he'll leave at 10.30 and be back around midnight.

I am sooooo angry that he is prioritising his ex-wife's social life over me. It is SO rare for us to have a Saturday together as we both have our kids alternate weekends and his ex ALWAYS has some kind of "job" for him on the Saturdays we don't have the children.

In a fortnight it is his son's 18th and I won't see him all weekend as his son has made plans which only include my partner and his ex wife (excluding me and the ex's new husband) so this is our last chance for a month. I just wanted us to have a nice saturday together - but my partner thinks it is more important to allow his ex wife to go out unhindered by the responsibility of collecting her son from work.

AIBU?

FreudiansSlipper Sat 08-Mar-14 12:54:07

why are you with him

tintingirl Sat 08-Mar-14 12:55:17

Ex wife won't allow the 18 or 16 year old to babysit the 12 year old when they are with their Dad. Says they are not mature enough...

needaholidaynow Sat 08-Mar-14 12:55:58

Hmmm, I should have interrupted my dad's night out with his partner the other night. They went to Manchester for a meal and to a concert, and then stayed overnight in a hotel. I could have done with a fucking lift home from shopping rather than getting a taxi. I mean, I will always be his daughter. At 24 I still should still ALWAYS take priority over her. Not fair! <<Stomps feet>>

tintingirl Sat 08-Mar-14 12:56:08

No idea why I am with him to be honest. Gives me a headache.

BlessedAssurance Sat 08-Mar-14 12:56:31

Op, why are you with man?

Then just dump him.

needaholidaynow Sat 08-Mar-14 12:57:20

Forgot to add this: hmm

MaryWestmacott Sat 08-Mar-14 12:57:32

Just get rid for now, start dating other people - honestly, get on line and have some dates with men who don't stand you up. If he begs you to take him back, ignore. He doesn't mean what he says.

Once his youngest DC is 18, you might be able to have a relationship with him, but it's just not practical now. Stop trying to change him, this is who he is until his DCs are adults and just don't need him as much.

tintingirl Sat 08-Mar-14 12:57:38

needaholiday - if you knew the 16 year old daughter, that's not far from the truth! I suspect he'll be doing this type of thing when she is 30!

BlessedAssurance Sat 08-Mar-14 12:59:41

Please do leave. You are wasting your years on him. Set uourself free and you will be surprised. There are a lot of good, caring men out there. He wants you available for him all the time but can not be bothered to do the same for you? This is sad. LTB.

Floggingmolly Sat 08-Mar-14 13:00:45

Ex wife won't allow it? But she still goes out when she pleases and insists their Dad obliges (and he does, for an 18yo, a 16yo and a 12yo?hmm). You two are going nowhere, op. I'm surprised you even want to.

tintingirl Sat 08-Mar-14 13:01:18

Just bagged up his washing and put it in the shed. If he turns up, I'll tell him I've binned it. Bit childish but made me feel better!

MrsBennetsEldest Sat 08-Mar-14 13:01:36

Needaholiday, when you have grown up a little bit you will understand my point.

Rebecca2014 Sat 08-Mar-14 13:01:38

This is not an ex wife issue but your partner issue with his children. His son is an grown man and at his age no way would my dad delay his plans to take me to work! no way! They seem babied by their mother and father, which all seems bit sad to me.

Chippednailvarnish Sat 08-Mar-14 13:01:44

I didn't see him on my 40th birthday because his ex was changing jobs and she organised her leaving do for that night so he had his kids instead of seeing me

Stop being a martyr and LTB.

HelloBoys Sat 08-Mar-14 13:03:00

LTB.

It won't get any better than this.

EvenBetter Sat 08-Mar-14 13:03:12

What is the point of this?
The entire point of relationships is that they're meant to be fun, and enhance your life.
Stop fannying about and go and live your life, you only get one.

FreudiansSlipper Sat 08-Mar-14 13:04:14

the issue is not his demanding ex wife, easy to get caught in that trap of blaming her

it is him not being as committed to you are you are to him or want him to be, that is a choice he is making and after all this time it is unlikely to change

needaholidaynow Sat 08-Mar-14 13:05:36

MrsBennet I understand your point crystal clear. Your children will always be your children. But them children do become adults one day and they can't just rely on mummy and daddy whenever they see fit. My dad had plans, I am a grown woman and I perfectly CAPABLE of making my own way home. It isn't my RIGHT to request my dad drops his plans just because I am his daughter.

Helltotheno Sat 08-Mar-14 13:06:25

YABU.
He has chosen to prioritise his kids, or you could say, the family unit that he formerly had, and that's what he wants. I would be doing the same if I were in that position, and I would be unapologetic to any potential partner about that, meaning that if it didn't suit a potential partner, I presume they'd have the sense to sling their hook.

This is not the relationship you're after, and the onus is not really on him to change the status quo (i.e., why would he change things when he gets a regular shag and things have more or less continued the same with the family unit?).

Just try and define what it is you want, dump this guy, and look for something that suits you better.

starfishmummy Sat 08-Mar-14 13:06:49

What exactly are you getting out of this?

I don't get it. Why can't the 18yr old either be bought a car or hey, novel idea I know, catch a bus.....?

Viviennemary Sat 08-Mar-14 13:11:06

The whole thing sounds like a complete waste of time. You obviously aren't happy with someone who has so many ties to his ex and older children. I'd find somebody else. This is just going to go on and on and on.

yourlittlesecret Sat 08-Mar-14 13:14:50

He is doing what dads do for their children. All of you complaining about the 18 year old needing a lift, he is presumably at school and has managed to get a part time job. Even if he can drive he may not have a car.
When my DS did this, he worked in a takeaway 10 miles away. No public transport. I had to take him there at 5pm and back at 11pm. Actually DH did it. It would have been easier to give him the cash to be honest.

Does he know he's history, yet OP?

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