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To be pissed off with dh's comment 'I don't know what you do all day'

(134 Posts)
Moonfacesmother Sat 08-Mar-14 07:54:56

In a slightly complicated situation at the moment.
I've been a sahm since ds was born and he started school full time after christmas. Because I've been out of work for 4 and a half years I've been volunteering three and a half days a week to try and get myself some current experience and references. In addition to this we are currently undergoing rounds of ivf (first unsuccessful cycle last month trying again next month) which makes it quite tricky to find a permanent job when I will need time off and will not be able to explain why to a new employer.

This morning the dishwasher hadn't been on and dh needed a knife. I came and washed him one after hearing his loud dramatic sighs and he said 'honestly I don't know what you do all day.'

Monday to Wednesday I volunteer until it's time to fetch ds from school, Thursday I am home about 2ish and fetch ds at quarter to three. Yesterday I cleaned the bathrooms, vacuumed, ironed and did the food shop.

Aibu to be pissed off? He could have quite easily put the dishwasher on himself last night, it's not rocket science. I just hasn't noticed how full it was.

puddock Sat 08-Mar-14 07:57:27

YBWU to go and wash a knife for him!

Moonfacesmother Sat 08-Mar-14 08:00:01

I know but I couldn't stand the melodramatic sighing.

schokolade Sat 08-Mar-14 08:00:18

YANBU. I would have a serious talk to him about his atittude behind this comment. It shows contempt for what you do and contempt for you as well (i.e. you should do everything that he deems beneath him, but he will not notice when you do - e.g. the food shopping, bathrooms, vacuum and ironing).

And never, ever clean a knife for him again in this situation. He can huff and puff while he cleans his own. Who does he think he is??

PicardyThird Sat 08-Mar-14 08:00:58

YANBU, of course. Did you need to ask?

Is this a one-off or part of a bigger pattern?

I work 25 hours from home (plus bits of freelancing) to dh's 45+, children both in school/kindergarten. It wouldn't enter dh's head to make such a comment, or to not wash the flipping knife himself.

BraveLilBear Sat 08-Mar-14 08:02:12

YANBU - menfolk can be self-entitled idiots.

Mine has just complained about there being clean, dry and folded clothes for DS in the washing basket. I hadn't put them away because I sorted them after DS fell asleep last night.

A 'thanks for sorting, we could do with getting him some extra clothes' was obviously too much to ask for!

Good luck with the volunteering and job search.

Flicktheswitch Sat 08-Mar-14 08:03:03

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FabBakerGirl Sat 08-Mar-14 08:04:48

YANBU but you need to nip this in the bud as he clearly thinks you are his skivvy. Don't do anything that benefits him from now on until he grows a pair and apologies. Twat.

MummyPig24 Sat 08-Mar-14 08:05:18

Yanbu. I would have pointed out that you go to work, drop off and pick up ds and the other things that you do.

And then I would have added that he is a capable human being who can put the dishwasher on himself. And that his comments are hurtful.

TheKnightsThatSayNee Sat 08-Mar-14 08:05:56

He's going to be in for a shock when you go back to work. Tell him you lie around and watch Jeremy Kyle and he can wash his own blood knife it takes 10 seconds.

TheKnightsThatSayNee Sat 08-Mar-14 08:06:22

Bloody knife. Blood knife sounds a big scary!

TheKnightsThatSayNee Sat 08-Mar-14 08:06:38

A bit scary arrrrhhh I give up!

Impatientismymiddlename Sat 08-Mar-14 08:06:51

Well he is being an arse, but I can't understand why the dishwasher had not been on because surely it would have only taken either you or HIM a couple of seconds to pop a tablet in and put it on.
You shouldn't have washed a knife for him, you are not his mother and he is not three years old. You should have shouted back "if you don't put the dishwasher on then nothing gets cleaned, it's how these things work, they need switching on, they don't respond to pathetic sighing from grown men".

Moonfacesmother Sat 08-Mar-14 08:06:53

It doubly annoyed me because I don't even want to do the second round of ivf. The first made me really unwell. I don't see how he can expect anymore of me at the moment.

I do feel obsolete now ds is at school. We don't seem to be able to make any more babies on our own and I just feel stuck at the moment. I can't go forward until I'm done with the ivf treatment. I know a lot of people do work through having treatment but I couldn't take a new job (even if I founf one) and then weeks later ask for lots of time off. And it's so unpredictable, I wouldn't know exactly which days id need. I sort of feel my life's on hold which is why I've been doing the volunteering so at least I've been doing something.

brokenhearted55a Sat 08-Mar-14 08:07:52

People never understand what the other does.

My mum was a SAHM and is now retired. Im a solicitor in a top London firm and she says to me all you do is sit in an office all day......

FabBakerGirl Sat 08-Mar-14 08:14:40

You would be so wrong to do a second round of IVF when you don't want too.

MsAspreyDiamonds Sat 08-Mar-14 08:23:08

Stop doing housework for a few days so that he can see the results of you not doing what you normally do all day.

Draw up a strict rota for housework & just stick to your side and leave him to do or not do his side.

nennypops Sat 08-Mar-14 08:29:21

It's not just a man thing. When DS1 was a baby we had DSIL lodging with us. DSIL is lovely by the way, no problems with her. For both her and DH there was a tendency to assume that because I was at home all day I would automatically be the one to do anything domestic plus all the other little jobs like collecting parcels and dry cleaning, sorting out the car servicing, etc etc, because I had all that time to do these things. It stopped overnight when I went back to work.

AngryFeet Sat 08-Mar-14 08:33:08

My dh would never even think to ask me something like this. I work 4 days a week during school hours and usually spend the other day cleaning but if I sat around on my arse that day and did nothing he would probably be pleased I had given myself a break. And he would do the dishwasher himself as he often does. Does your husband live in the 50's?

I presume your house is generally fairly clean and tidy oris it a shit hole all the time?

NewtRipley Sat 08-Mar-14 08:33:38

Maybe if you were to stop doing it he might see what it is you do......

Thattimeofyearagain Sat 08-Mar-14 08:36:27

Sit him down & tell him what you e told us.
If his attitude stays the same he is a twat.

Moonfacesmother Sat 08-Mar-14 08:36:34

It's generally clean and mostly tidy (depends how many dinosaurs ds has strewn across the floor). The dishwasher is now on. The world can relax.

I know what you mean about small jobs being requested all the time - can you get x from the shop, can you fetch x for me, can you see of you can sew x, etc etc.

Yabu for washing the knife for him and thus confirming your role as skivvy.

He is clearly not in board with you being a sahm.

You need to really talk before you even think about another baby.

VivaLeBeaver Sat 08-Mar-14 08:40:01

I get this from dh. I work four days a week.

On my day off he often huffs when he gets home. Asks me what I've been doing all day. MNing, watching house of cards

WanderingAway Sat 08-Mar-14 08:42:39

I would have told him that he didnt want to know while passing him a copy of the film mr & mrs smith. grin

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