To refuse to attend a meal because it will keep DS up past his bedtime?

(112 Posts)

FIL invited me, DP, 3yo DS and 16 week old DD to dinner tonight, to meet his girlfriend's parents. Apparently, FIL says, his girlfriend (of 8 months) talks about them so much that they feel like they're part of their family, and would very much like to meet their daughter's 'adopted grandchildren' hmm They've picked out names they'd like our 3yo to call them by, so we're told. I find this very weird.

This meal is taking place at a shopping centre which is an hour and a half's train journey away (we don't drive) at 6pm. We asked to meet closer, given the time and the distance we'd have to travel on public transport with a small EBF baby and a tired, hungry toddler. We'd be back about 9-9.30pm, DS and DD are usually in bed by 7.30. It's just too far to travel so late.

He said no can do, we can't have the meal anywhere else because his girlfriend's parents are very particular about where they eat.

So we declined and aren't going.

FIL is enraged and had been messaging DP all day saying how very disappointed his girlfriend's parents are, they were so looking forward to seeing the children, and that they may as well cancel the whole thing now.

AIBU to not give a crap, really? And to think that it was a ridiculous idea?

2rebecca Sat 08-Mar-14 11:16:07

I just can't imagine wanting to meet someone with a baby and toddler and expecting them to travel on a train for 1 1/2 hours to meet me for an evening meal and then go back in the cold dark evening with tired children. It does seem as though the OP and her kids haven't really been considered and just added on to a prearranged meeting.

Blondeshavemorefun Sat 08-Mar-14 09:38:52

6pm is early for adults to eat but late for a 3yr

Travelling 1.5hrs via train with 2 small children isn't fun - esp as during what would be a typical child's tea time and then after bedtime

But it is for one day

I would go. Give snacks /sandwich on train and not worry if don't eat their meal

Fil gf is obv 15/20yrs younger then him if your age

Maybe they will have children - maybe not and this is the only chance that the parents may be grandparents (tho step) and therefore want to meet your children - tho again at 8mths seems a tad ott - tho again if live abroad may not be over again for a while

Take a buggy and let 3yr fall asleep in it when ready

2rebecca Sat 08-Mar-14 09:24:32

I agree FIL getting enraged makes him sound nuts. My dad gets enraged by very little, he sounds selfish not to be putting his grandchildren first. I suspect his girlfriends parents maybe aren't that impressed with her shacking up with an old bloke with grandchildren rather than finding someone of your husbands age and having her own family not trying to adopt yours.

2rebecca Sat 08-Mar-14 09:19:47

I wouldn't go, the kids will just be tied and irritable. I'd say no if a close relative wanted to meet under 3s, let alone parents of a relatives girlfriend. I suspect the parents aren't that bothered if they are that inflexible and it's FIL wanting to show off.
If they really want you to come they arrange the meal around you. With small kids you do lunch not evening meals, and even with lunch i never did long lunches as they got bored and we got stressed. Leisurely meals aren't a small kid thing. meeting up in a park would have been better. Why do you have to arrange it round a meal?

Chippednailvarnish Sat 08-Mar-14 09:09:16

3 hours on public transport with young DCs is not my idea if a huge adventure different

Sounds like a nightmare.

differentnameforthis Sat 08-Mar-14 07:29:43

I don't think it is too late. I would make sure I was armed with snacks, if your ds doesn't eat while out, it's no great issue. He will love it, you can make it into a huge adventure for him.

FIL does sound a little intense though, being 'enraged' about it.

TamerB Sat 08-Mar-14 07:06:08

Invite them over to your house at a later date.

everlong Sat 08-Mar-14 07:05:02

DH could go?

Kiwiinkits Sat 08-Mar-14 06:55:34

Perhaps they suggested the restaurant as a misguided attempt not to "put you out". They couldn't exactly invite themselves to your place (thinking, with young kids to look after she'll want a break from cooking). Invite them to yours.

MusicalEndorphins Sat 08-Mar-14 06:01:17

KirjavaTheCat It is nice to see you didn't waste time fretting and just said no to this request.
Your FIL can just be a good boy and put his toys back in the crib.

ViviPru Fri 07-Mar-14 22:49:46

Ooh yes dig around a bit with BIL and be sure to report back forthwith, some of us have vicarious lives to lead you know.

deakymom Fri 07-Mar-14 22:43:35

tired children on public transport is not a good mix i remember my overtired son screeching all the way home a 45 min bus ride and an hours walk away then he carried on in the house he was overtired to the max

YANBU

i would never wish that experience on anyone

Sharaluck Fri 07-Mar-14 21:47:38

Yanbu

9.30pm is not especially late (and if you were travelling by car the dc could sleep in the car) but 1.5 hour trip home on the train is too much for a 3 year old late at night. And the 1.5 hour trip there would also be difficult with 2 young dc!

We agreed to meet up a couple of weeks ago when FIL and his girlfriend were visiting the children, heard no more about it until yesterday when he phoned to tell us what time we were to meet them there. Wouldn't budge on time or place, apparently they were busy today visiting DP's brother so couldn't do any earlier.

Might ring BIL's girlfriend to see if they were odd and overfamiliar in person too.

PumpkinPie2013 Fri 07-Mar-14 20:59:30

YANBU

Travelling for that length of time, on public transport with a young baby and an overtired toddler when it's cold and dark? No thanks!

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Fri 07-Mar-14 19:28:14

I agree this sounds nightmarish. However, when did FIL ask you to go and when did you refuse? If you have already accepted and changed your mind or refused last minute I can see why he's pissed off.

HaroldLloyd Fri 07-Mar-14 19:04:23

If it was wimpy I would be in there like swimwear however.

So wrong it's right.

HaroldLloyd Fri 07-Mar-14 19:03:16

I don't think 9.30 is that late as a one off, however I would not be clamouring to travel an hour and a half to eat in a shopping centre and back with a toddler on a train, add in the weirdyness and it's not really an attractive proposition. Why can't they meet you a bit closer?

starfishmummy Fri 07-Mar-14 18:58:11

Fils GF's parents?? If they were his parents in law I might agree to a meet up but not with a round trip of three hours by public transport and two small children!!

Chippednailvarnish Fri 07-Mar-14 18:29:01

I've just been looking at the Wimpy website. I always wanted a brown Darby and wasn't allowed I was a fat kid

grin slap up wimpy.

I haven't been in a Wimpy since I was little! Their milkshakes were amazing.

Nocomet Fri 07-Mar-14 18:17:57

Normally I'd say DCs are adaptable and parents shouldn't fuss, but well after bedtime on a train rather than asleep in their car seat sounds a nightmare unless you have very obliging DCs.

I might have got away with it, DD1 was very very good about night time adventures and DD2 would probably have fed the entire journey, but there is no guarantee of pleasant traveling companions on evening trains.

ChickyEgg Fri 07-Mar-14 18:11:34

It does sound really odd. Your FIL's girlfriend of less than a year talks about your DC so much that her parents want to meet them and have given themselves names to boot? Never mind the fact that they haven't considered you are travelling on public transport with two over tired children....

Chippednailvarnish Fri 07-Mar-14 18:05:51

Maybe he's proposed and wants to make a grand statement by treating you all to a slap up wimpy to celebrate.

MummyBeerest Fri 07-Mar-14 17:59:02

YANBU.

No effing way in hell. A ebf baby and a toddler on a bus, past bedtime?

Are you packing your cyanide?

I'm imagining these people to be like Ned and Maude Flanders.

Hiddley-ho, British bumbalinos!

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