To refuse to attend a meal because it will keep DS up past his bedtime?

(112 Posts)

FIL invited me, DP, 3yo DS and 16 week old DD to dinner tonight, to meet his girlfriend's parents. Apparently, FIL says, his girlfriend (of 8 months) talks about them so much that they feel like they're part of their family, and would very much like to meet their daughter's 'adopted grandchildren' hmm They've picked out names they'd like our 3yo to call them by, so we're told. I find this very weird.

This meal is taking place at a shopping centre which is an hour and a half's train journey away (we don't drive) at 6pm. We asked to meet closer, given the time and the distance we'd have to travel on public transport with a small EBF baby and a tired, hungry toddler. We'd be back about 9-9.30pm, DS and DD are usually in bed by 7.30. It's just too far to travel so late.

He said no can do, we can't have the meal anywhere else because his girlfriend's parents are very particular about where they eat.

So we declined and aren't going.

FIL is enraged and had been messaging DP all day saying how very disappointed his girlfriend's parents are, they were so looking forward to seeing the children, and that they may as well cancel the whole thing now.

AIBU to not give a crap, really? And to think that it was a ridiculous idea?

Yama Fri 07-Mar-14 15:44:14

YANBU. He'll get over it. Tell him to grow up.

TheresLotsOfFarmyardAnimals Fri 07-Mar-14 15:45:17

YANBU. It is simply too late. YOu were willing to travel 90 minutes by train and that is compromise enough. They're not THAT bothered if they can't make it earlier or nearer to you.

Personally, I don't think 9.30 is unreasonably late. I also dont think it's a ridiculous idea, and 6 pm is pretty early for meals for most people.

But if you don't want to go, then you don't have to. Who else will be there?

Why dont you learn to drive?

HyvaPaiva Fri 07-Mar-14 15:45:54

YANBU. Dinner aside, they are all being far too intense!

Supercosy Fri 07-Mar-14 15:46:26

I don't blame you. He is not being in the slightest bit considerate about your kids, their routine or the fact that you have to make that bloody great treck for dinner in a shopping centre. I used to do anything to avoid taking Dd out late when she was that young.

schmalex Fri 07-Mar-14 15:47:34

YANBU. If they're so keen, why don't they meet you for lunch at the weekend?

ShatnersBassoon Fri 07-Mar-14 15:48:10

9.30pm isn't that late as a one-off, so YABU to use that as a reason not to go.

YANBU to not want to go though. Sounds pretty awful.

Bearfrills Fri 07-Mar-14 15:48:15

YANBU.

Fair enough if it was somewhere more local/easier to get to then I'd probably say YABU and going to bed a bit later just this once won't hurt them but in the circumstances I'd be giving it a miss. I don't drive either and I wouldn't go to a meal as you've described it.

Do they drive? If they do then why haven't they offered you a lift if they so desperately want you there?

formerbabe Fri 07-Mar-14 15:49:23

If you had a car then I would say you should go...but public transport when its late with a toddler and baby sounds like hell to me.

TinyTear Fri 07-Mar-14 15:49:29

what a stupid question Melanie. I can drive but don't own a car as I don't need it in London... I would not 'learn to drive' to go to a dinner with some inflexible people...

OP Can they do lunch in the same shopping centre tomorrow?

eurochick Fri 07-Mar-14 15:49:55

They can't be that particular about where they eat if they like eating in shopping centres.

I think YABabitU about your son's bedtime. It won't hurt as a one off. But YANBU to not go because they are being a bit odd and it's a long train ride away for you with 2 kids.

olympicsrock Fri 07-Mar-14 15:50:07

Of course 9 30 is too late for a toddler worse so using public transport getting cold and tired. Let alone with a young baby. You hardly know these people. It's a bonkers idea. Don't go.

WorraLiberty Fri 07-Mar-14 15:52:20

I can drive but don't own a car as I don't need it in London

Same here

It always makes me laugh when people who use public transport are asked why they don't learn to drive.

Yanbu, If I had to travel with young children for 90 mins each way, in any form of transport, to only have a meal, I would be declining also.

If the meal was to be closer and then a late night for the DCs wouldn't be a problem, but the travel alone will probably mean very very grumpy children.

AveryJessup Fri 07-Mar-14 15:53:36

YANBU. Sounds as though these people like the idea of your children more than the reality. My 2.5 year old would quite happily stay up until 9:30 but he'd make your life hell at the same time and be completely overtired and hyper! With a baby in tow as well and on public transport?

Totally ridiculous idea. If they want to see your children they should do the running, not you.

elliejjtiny Fri 07-Mar-14 15:54:15

YANBU and they sound really weird

Bearfrills Fri 07-Mar-14 15:54:39

Especially if the transport is anywhere like it is round here where it's frequently late/nonexistent.

5madthings Fri 07-Mar-14 15:55:15

Of I could drive I would go, a late night is fine but taking little ones on public transport at that time, not my idea of fun.

Tho saying that I have done it but when we have and a day put in London, so a late train back and it's two hour and they can sleep on trhe train.

If it was someone I REALLY liked and wnted to see I would do it.

Id suggest lunch at this place or havibg them to yours in the evening.

Puttheshelvesup Fri 07-Mar-14 15:56:08

YANBU, a long train journey with a tired toddler and tiny baby sounds like my idea of anxiety filled hell. Could you offer to have them over for lunch? Only if you want to, of course. Or perhaps FIL could host you all at his house. Maybe have a word about creepy names! I think you have to meet someone numerous times and earn each others' trust before deciding on familial names for dc to use.

Crinkle77 Fri 07-Mar-14 15:56:56

Your FIL is BU. You can't be expected to travel all that way just to meet your FIL's girlfriends parents for tea.

SJisontheway Fri 07-Mar-14 15:57:01

I'm not precious at all about occasional late night's, but a 90 minute journey on public transport with an over tired baby and toddler. No thanks. YANBU at all.

Fairylea Fri 07-Mar-14 15:57:01

Yanbu. We don't go anywhere that interferes with our dc when it comes to naps and sleeping as we're the ones who pay for it the next day. So tough.

They don't have young children. Why can't they be the ones doing the travelling etc?

Your fil is being daft.

feckitafeck Fri 07-Mar-14 15:57:20

I'd suggest a lunch. If it were the summer with good weather then it would be ok but not at this time of year when it is so dark and cold out.

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