Aibu to be furious that ds is being called a N***** [thread title edited by MNHQ]

[bongobaby]

I'm am pissed off that a child in ds class has been calling him a effing nigger. Not only has this child been calling ds this he has also been messaging him calling him this. They are both in year six. I have always brought ds up not to swear and I don't like it used around him it's an absolute no no for me. My ds is mixed raced so yep he is half black but that doesn't excuse this foul use of the term at school or through whatsapp and he is upset about it.
Need advise on how to approach this as I am fuming.

[JeanSeberg]

Via the teacher first off.

[shazbean]

Dear lord.
I can understand that you are furious, turn it into cold calm anger.
Go through the school. The teacher will want to know this has been going on but you need to keep your cool.
The other child may not fully realise the implications of what he is saying and needs it spelling out.

[thornrose]

You have every right to be bloody furious. Take it straight to the school. Can you screen print the messages?

[Dawndonnaagain]

The school have to record each and every incident. That is the law. Get into school and see the head. Demand that the governors and the local authority are informed and tell them that you want both the child and the parents spoken too, he's picked the word up from somewhere.
Unfortunately, we have experienced this, managed to put a stop to it inside school, at least.

[WilsonFrickett]

School, in writing, with a request for an appointment and a copy of their relevant policies by return (eg anti bullying, LA diversity policies).

Don't get mad though, get calm and keep a paper trail. The swearing isn't really the issue - kids swear - so I'd keep that bit out of it, the real issue is the racial abuse.

[OpalQuartz]

I would email the class teacher and head to let them know. They should take it seriously and make sure the child is dealt with appropriately

[WilsonFrickett]

Oh yes, screen dumps before you do anything so there's no chance they can disappear...

[YesAnastasia]

Do you know that 'kids' use this kind of language all the time?? It's like it's the second wave of insult that is only used because of it's shock value.

A (really quite nice) teenager I know, called his friend a 'gay jew' the other day in normal conversation. They joke about raping too & it's all considered ok... thank God mine are small. I will ensure my DC do not pick up on this.

To us, using that word would be unforgivable (I can't even type it...) but I have the impression it's being used BECAUSE it's so shocking and not intended to be racist IYKWIM. I could be wrong but they're not terrible kids shrugs

[Iwillorderthefood]

Good grief that's awful. Made my blood run cold. Go via the teacher, perhaps speak to him / her then back it up by email so you have a record. I will watch with interest my DD is mixe race, and someone in her class said her skin was the wrong colour. They are younger and I have held off to see if it develops,but so far nothing more.

[Iwillorderthefood]

Oh forgot to say, the school most likely has a racism policy that you may be able access via their website policy section.

[YesAnastasia]

That *shrug was 'I don't know' not indifference. I would be furious too and it's not acceptable.

[thornrose]

My mixed race dd was called it by a boy from her class when they weren't even in school and the Deputy Head still got involved.

[Goblinchild]

In most schools, racist abuse is a suspension/guidance/expulsion issue.
It is an ongoing, completely unacceptable problem, and I'd write to the head with as much evidence as I had and insist that they take the situation very seriously.

[bongobaby]

I don't know if this makes any difference but the child is African. I really couldn't give a stuff if he thinks its a term of endearment or slang, I absolutely hate that word in any way shape or form. He might think its cool and hip to be so offensive but I don't. I need to calm down and breath. He has been nasty in the messages and ds kept asking him to please leave him alone.

[whatever5]

I would talk to the school. They will take this very seriously, particularly as you have evidence.

[nosleeptillbedtime]

Sorry yesanastasia but I completely disagree. The fact that kids are using offensive racist language is not a reason to shrug and do nothing or they will carry these attitudes into adult life. It needs to be addressed as a serious issue now. Absolutely the same with disgusting rape jokes. Lowering the barriers to say this is okay or not a big issue does go on to influence attitudes to women and sexual assault. The fact teenagers do something does not mean what they do is okay.

[ISeeYouShiverWithAntici]

Doesn't make a bit of difference. My children are also mixed race and I would be at the school so fast my feet wouldn't touch the ground if they were called that and I wouldn't give a rats arse who was doing the calling.

Not challenging unacceptable language is not an option.

[sonlypuppyfat]

A boy I know made the foul rape jokes about my DD a girl 5 years younger than him who she's known all her life what really wound me up was the girls who were with him found it funny! WTF! I made sure he got in a lot of trouble.

[mumminio]

YABU to be furious. The kid may have picked it up from anywhere, I wouldn't assume it's from the parents. If it's ok to use that word in so many songs and movies, then how can we be shocked if a child uses it? Kids say awful things to each other, and somehow know how to optimize for the most offence.

Having said that, it's still a horrible thing to say, and the messages are concerning. Definitely track them to keep a record, and follow up with the teacher and headteacher to alert them to possible bullying. Have a word with your child to make sure he handles himself appropriately.

[Goblinchild]

The complexities of racism between WI African, Mixed Race and the different nationalities involved are very tangled. Some of the nastiest racist incidents I dealt with were within Pakistani and Bengali communities.
Either way, the boy's language is racist and your DS is unhappy. So the school need to be actively involved and sort out the problem.

[Topseyt]

Awful. Do speak to the school. Most take this sort of thing very seriously. In this country it isn't considered a term of endearment, or not as far as I am aware.

I hope you can get it sorted. It isn't the sort of language you want to encourage.

Don't let anyone downplay it. I have a daughter who was bullied using inappropriate language online. The results have been devastating for her. You really don't know what the long term effect can be, so nip it in the bud now.

[KirjavaTheCat]

Makes absolutely no difference what race this bully is, it's language that your DS finds offensive and it needs to stop. What's the school's bullying policy like, is it robustly upheld?

[meditrina]

Children make mistakes and sometimes try out things that they have imperfectly understood. When it is something as horrible as this it needs immediate and decisive action.

Talk to the school straight away. Keep the texts, and tell the school that it this is not definitively stopped that you will escalate.

[mattsmadmum]

Watching with interest as our school v v strict on this

[Topseyt]

Just to add, my daughter was the age the OP's child is now.

It was a while before I knew of the abuse. She is part way through year 7 at secondary school now, and although she is thankfully at a separate school from the arseholes bullies, we are still dealing with it's wake.