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Aibu to be furious that ds is being called a N***** [thread title edited by MNHQ]

(173 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

bongobaby Thu 06-Mar-14 17:24:35

I'm am pissed off that a child in ds class has been calling him a effing nigger. Not only has this child been calling ds this he has also been messaging him calling him this. They are both in year six. I have always brought ds up not to swear and I don't like it used around him it's an absolute no no for me. My ds is mixed raced so yep he is half black but that doesn't excuse this foul use of the term at school or through whatsapp and he is upset about it.
Need advise on how to approach this as I am fuming.

Topseyt Thu 06-Mar-14 18:02:53

Just to add, my daughter was the age the OP's child is now.

It was a while before I knew of the abuse. She is part way through year 7 at secondary school now, and although she is thankfully at a separate school from the arseholes bullies, we are still dealing with it's wake.

Fairenuff Thu 06-Mar-14 18:05:22

School will take this very seriously. By law they have to report it to the LEA, so make sure that is done.

Schools will have a zero tolerance policy on racial abuse OP, print/copy anything that is in writing and speak to the HT tomorrow.

WorraLiberty Thu 06-Mar-14 18:11:41

Yes speak to the school immediately

But also, make sure your DS blocks him on Whatsapp.

Treaclepot Thu 06-Mar-14 18:16:07

Vile. But don't let your 11 year old go on whatsapp. Its just prime ground for this sort of shit and far worse.

x2boys Thu 06-Mar-14 18:17:45

my sister works in a primary school something like 98% of her pupils are from a Pakistani origin there are only very few white britsh in her school at a very early age she says its common for children to simply notice the difference between themselves and others but in year six children should know whats racism and whats not unfortunately as the white british children are the minority they get most of the racial insults I would be furious too and would be marching up to the school very quickly.

formerbabe Thu 06-Mar-14 18:18:31

I would tell the police

bongobaby Thu 06-Mar-14 18:28:34

Mumminio why am I bu? I have brought up ds to be tolerant and not use offensive language towards others, this boy is undoing this. I would be horrified if I found out he had been speaking in this way and find it a slight on my parenting. when he was telling me what has been said he was weary of even using the full wording, instead he said he used the f word and n word and that he doesn't like it, it makes him feel sad.
I will have to speak with the school tomorrow as others have said it needs to be nipped in the bud.

Finola1step Thu 06-Mar-14 18:31:37

I'm an Assistant Head of a primary school. I tend to deal with a lot of the year 6 incidents.

I would suggest the following course of action:
1. By pass the class teacher
2. Look at the school website, there should be a policies section on there. Read up on dealing with racist incidents, bullying, cyber bullying, equal ops policy etc
3. Email head tonight and write down everything you know. Ask Head to inform you of the actions that s/he plans to take. Head should launch an investigation possibly by the deputy or other senior teacher.
4. Request an appointment to discuss your concerns face to face.
5. Be aware that schools really do not like recording incidents as racist. Many heads will try to persaude a parent that such incidents are playground banter that is inappropriate but not racist as it is not malicious. I predict that as the other child is black, the Head may take this line. (A massive over generalisation I know, but I have seen this kind of thing happen too often for my liking).
6. Keep notes of all contact between you and the school regarding this matter.

bongobaby Thu 06-Mar-14 18:40:50

Finola1step that's very interesting the line the head teacher may take. Ds has only been at the school since May and I don't want it too seem like I'm a trouble maker. It has a good reputation, I would feel bad that it had to be reported by law and would only wish for it to be dealt with internally. Would I not be better off speaking with the parents first?

formerbabe Thu 06-Mar-14 18:46:23

I would not speak to the parents....you really should tell the school first. If it was a one off, then you could wait and see but if it has been said repeatedly, then i think the school must be told.

Tadpole2013 Thu 06-Mar-14 18:54:06

NO. You are not being unreasonable.

Oh the stories I can tell you! We're in Germany and the school didn't take it seriously at all. As a matter of fact, the class teacher said 'I don't understand why that is so bad. Black people call themselves Niggers all the time'.
I had to get the police involved because the school did absolutely NOTHING.
My daughter is also bi-racial.
The race of the abuser is irrelevant. If you knew how much inner racial racism there is your heart would stop.

Your son will always define how he deals with racism by how you handle this, (my dd still does).
Keep your dignity. Don't let them make you angry because then you're 'just hysterical'.
Should you have a chance to speak to this boy/his parents make it clear that you find it very offensive, not because your son is bi-racial (believe it or not they might think that) but because so many people have died in the fight for equality.
Remind the boy that people like the late Nelson Mandela spent the best years of their lives in prison to fight racism.

And be prepared for this to happen to your ds again.

Good luck, bongobaby.

everlong Thu 06-Mar-14 18:54:37

Straight to the Head in the morning.

bongobaby Thu 06-Mar-14 18:59:03

He has repeated it four times on the messaging and threats.
When ds doesn't reply only to tell him to leave him alone,the boy gets nasty.

WilsonFrickett Thu 06-Mar-14 18:59:18

Nooooo do not speak to the parents! I do understand some posters saying the word is everywhere now and so it hasn't necessarily come from the parents, but you can't be sure and you could end up in a slanging match or whatever.

Follow the procedure - school in writing and read up on their policies as Finola has said.

You're not being a trouble maker. Not your fault if a HT wants to duck their statutory duty to report something.

vj32 Thu 06-Mar-14 18:59:19

Screen print and take it to the head.

scottishmummy Thu 06-Mar-14 19:01:37

No direct approach to parent,straight to school
Take any corroborating evidence eg screenshot,messages
How disgusting,unacceptable.give your son a hug reassure him not all folk are offensive

Topseyt Thu 06-Mar-14 19:02:34

On most messaging systems there is a way to block the aggressor. Can you not save the messages already received (as evidence if needed) and then block this boy from your son?

Glasshammer Thu 06-Mar-14 19:05:55

Email the head tonight - write everything down including threats. Take snapshots if messaging. Under no circumstances contact the parents. The head will choose if the the incidents need to be logged as racist

Fusedog Thu 06-Mar-14 19:06:06

poster mumminio

I think you may be wrong there is a big issues between Africans and afro Caribbean for instance you would seldom get a African married to a arfo Caribbean person

And just to push home the point my sister has a child with a African and my dad has disowned her nor her partners family talk to him or her either

Topseyt Thu 06-Mar-14 19:07:36

I second those who are saying do not make any direct approaches to this boy or his family. Those are best coming from the school.

lljkk Thu 06-Mar-14 19:09:20

yeah, my first thought was "I bet name-caller child is dark skinned". Oh well, Good luck changing the world.

bongobaby Thu 06-Mar-14 19:12:42

Tadpole that's shocking. I hope the police resolved it for you. We have never come across this until now and that's why I am so pissed off that my ds has had to come across it.

Finola1step Thu 06-Mar-14 19:20:03

Do not approach the parents. If you do, it actually makes it harder for the school to investigate properly.

Do hand over copies of everything you have got.

I have dealt with cyber bullying amongst year 6's (no racial element though). Both boys should be spoken to individually. Any other children who know about it should also be spoken to. Then parents should be called in to discuss the findings. As your son's situation involves racist remarks, then investigation should really be undertaken by a member of the Senior Leadership Team. Who should then report to head. Check their policies.

bongobaby Thu 06-Mar-14 19:22:39

I got ds to forward over the messages to my phone, he has also kept the messages on his phone. You are all right in what you say in me not speaking to the parents. I don't know them so it could turn a bit if things get heated. lljkk this offensive term is not acceptable whatever colour of the skin the name caller is.
I detest when rappers use it in their so called music and it does situations and kids that listen to it a great disservice as they may grow up thinking its cool to use it, normalising it.

LizzieVereker Thu 06-Mar-14 19:24:36

Your poor DS, how horrible. YADNBU, and I second much of the advice above.
1. Absolutely do not contact the other parents.
2. Screen shot and document everything ASAP.
3. Contact the head in writing/ e-mail give them all info ASAP. Write first, rather than face to face so that you can be factual and calm.
4. Insist that the school report it to the LEA as a racist incident, do not be fobbed off. This is racism, your son was subjected to racist comments which reference his race as an insult. It doesn't matter what ethnicity the child who said it is, and how much this word is used in popular culture. It doesn't matter how the "sayer" means it, if the victim perceives it to be offensive, it is. The school will try to reshape this into a non-racist bullying incident.

Your son and the other boy need you and the school to show them that this is not OK. Good luck thanks.

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