Aibu to be furious that ds is being called a N***** [thread title edited by MNHQ]

(173 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread. Read here.

bongobaby Thu 06-Mar-14 17:24:35

I'm am pissed off that a child in ds class has been calling him a effing nigger. Not only has this child been calling ds this he has also been messaging him calling him this. They are both in year six. I have always brought ds up not to swear and I don't like it used around him it's an absolute no no for me. My ds is mixed raced so yep he is half black but that doesn't excuse this foul use of the term at school or through whatsapp and he is upset about it.
Need advise on how to approach this as I am fuming.

Onepactupac Fri 07-Mar-14 17:53:45

Posting on this thread to express, for the first time ever, my disappointment in MNHQ for changing the title of this thread. That was a knee jerk reaction that is extremely offensive - hate to say it, but probably the action of somebody more concerned with political correctness than really thinking through the substance of the matter.

What, exactly, was the reason for changing the thread title? Is it that MNHQ doesn't want to see the word 'nigger' on its forum (notwithstanding the hypocrisy of that given previous threads)? Seriously, think it through. Racism exists. Pretending it doesn't by deleting the word at best belittles the issue. At worst, it is insulting to those who suffer from it.

I am hoping to see another post from HQ, please.

OP, sorry to hijack. Good luck on making progress with your son's head teacher. Don't let him brush you off. At this age, this is the thin end of the wedge. Wish you fortitude.

WorraLiberty Fri 07-Mar-14 17:58:40

I agree Onepac

I don't know why they censored the thread title but if it's because it upsets people, how will those people cope with seeing the uncensored word typed repeatedly, throughout the thread?

It makes no sense at all confused

rumbleinthrjungle Fri 07-Mar-14 17:59:44

Agree it's sad to see the word censored - if we're afraid to deal with seeing or hearing the word as adults how can we have an honest discussion with children about why it's abhorrent.

RaspberryRuffle Fri 07-Mar-14 18:17:21

Bongobaby, have a good chat with your son over the weekend. Find out timings of the messages so you can see if they were before or after the sanctions. In any case reply to the head asking what the sanctions are asyou want to reassure DS that his school doesn't tolerate racism and bullying.

Disappointed in the censorship of your thread title. It was obvious that you were not calling anyone a 'nigger' and it was appropriate for you to use it to relay the story. Just such a pity that a kid used this word to your son.

YetAnotherHelenMumsnet (MNHQ) Fri 07-Mar-14 19:02:46

Hello everyone,
I just wanted to say that I will be flagging your concerns regarding the title change to the team. As you know, we work at different times so I wasn't in when the decision was taken but can see that there were numerous requests asking for it to be altered. Our response to those requests, and whether it was right or not, is something we will look at when the full team is in, I assure you.

FabBakerGirl Fri 07-Mar-14 19:09:55

Who are the delicate little flowers who couldn't cope with reading the word?

YouAreTalkingRubbish Fri 07-Mar-14 19:31:12

I am not a delicate little flower but I don't think having the full word written out adds anything to the discussion at all? It doesn't make the situation any clearer. I would prefer it to be deleted from all the posts too. There are other words I don't like to see written down such as some nasty disabalist words and other really offensive racist words.

I am not fussed about fuck offs or cunts or whatever.

LizzieVereker Fri 07-Mar-14 19:50:55

Well done Bongobaby, you've done the right thing by your lovely boy. How is he today?

I am concerned that although the school responded promptly, that your DS is still feeling belittled by what's happened. I would suggest to the school that they run a whole year group PHSE lesson on racism, or get a specialist provider in as suggested upthread. Other children may have heard these comments and it's not OK to have an undercurrent of this running through the year group. Also, I still think they should clarify that it's been logged with the LEA as a racist incident.

However, I expect all you feel like doing is cuddling up with DS for a nice DVD and some giggles, so please don't feel I'm harassing you to take further action if that's not what you want. You have been brave for him this week, it's not easy to deal with issues like this. thanks

FWIW I'm hmm by the censorship...

Perfectlypurple Fri 07-Mar-14 20:08:04

I don't think the title should have been censored. It was a factual title.

I don't think this is school bullying/banter. It is happening outside school with the messages and the school can sanction the boy at school but not outside.

If the schools sanctions work and this stops then that's great but if there is one more comment/message then I would suggest going to the police. The policy where I work is it is generally for the school to deal with, it's not good to criminalise kids but if this was reported to me i would definitely be taking it very seriously and it would be dealt with as a hate crime.

Also as the boy is being abusive to your son it's not a misunderstanding. It's deliberate.

WorraLiberty Fri 07-Mar-14 20:41:55

I am not a delicate little flower but I don't think having the full word written out adds anything to the discussion at all?

Of course it does. It's exactly what the OP's poor child has had to put up with being called.

No-one called him a 'N*****' and the word was written in its entirety, by text to his phone.

If adults can't cope with seeing it written in a thread title, can you just imagine how the victim felt?

I the reporters should reflect on that for a moment.

YouAreTalkingRubbish Fri 07-Mar-14 21:08:41

The idea that I have to see the word written in full to understand what the boy went through is crazy. I worked in a career where I had to 'cope' with far, far worse than having to read racially offensive words. Of course I can 'cope' with it shock. What a patronising thing to say. I just don't see why it, literally, needed to be spelt out.

cardamomginger Fri 07-Mar-14 21:10:14

censoring the thread title implies that the op has done something wrong, offensive and racist by spelling out exactly what her DS has been subjected to.

bad decision mnhq.

and imagine the farcical situation where she and all subsequent posters had to write n*** and we were all forced to guess via hints and suggestions what had actually happened.

Coldlightofday Fri 07-Mar-14 21:13:25

It needs spelling out because to delete it, to refuse to look at its ugliness gives 'that word' more power.

You can't effectively discuss something without actually putting it out there - I'd ask why you are offended by seeing the word. Genuine question.

Coldlightofday Fri 07-Mar-14 21:14:41

bongobaby you've already received lots of advice - I've recently dealt with a few cases like this at work so feel free to PM if you want anything further.

YouAreTalkingRubbish Fri 07-Mar-14 21:15:28

confused I bet there isnt a single poster who who couldn't work out what N*** stands for. There would have been no need for 'hints' hmm

I don't blame the OP for putting the full word in her title, she must have been furious. I would have been.

WorraLiberty Fri 07-Mar-14 21:15:29

Exactly Coldlight

The OP used it completely in context

The censorship somewhat minimises what her DS has had to go through

cardamomginger Fri 07-Mar-14 21:17:10

mnhq - surely for the sake of consistency you should edit/delete every post on this thread that contains the word 'nigger'.

bloody hell

hoobypickypicky Fri 07-Mar-14 21:17:48

It's a word which is an integral part of the OP's story. It's being used factually, to explain what the OP's son has experienced. It's not being used as a way of abusing anyone on here or in order to deliberately offend. We don't need our factual, adult conversation topics censored in this way. We understand the difference between quoting someone's racially offensive comment in a direct and explanatory way and being racially offensive.

MNHQ, I think you've made the wrong decision here and are pandering to the over-sensitive.

YouAreTalkingRubbish Fri 07-Mar-14 21:20:28

I just don't like the word, I don't like lots of the really ugly offensive disabilist words either. They don't hurt my feelings or cause me distress. I just rather not see them.

WorraLiberty Fri 07-Mar-14 21:23:16

So why not hide the thread?

Coldlightofday Fri 07-Mar-14 21:23:48

Worral I think it goes further than minimising - it gives the word nigger too much credence. It is offensive - but it is the intent behind it that is offensive. Not the word itself. To be scared of a word like that makes it out to have power that simply isn't there.

Dealing with racially abusive language in schools is a big part of what I do - and de mystifying some of the language is powerful. When I talk to children about the word nigger, I use the word nigger - I don't say 'The n word'. Looking at things under a microscope is helpful, and you can't do that if you won't look directly at it.

YouAreTalkingRubbish Fri 07-Mar-14 21:24:09

No one has suggested anyone who has used the word in this thread in a racist way. I don't get where that suggestion has come from???

Btw I don't know about other posters but I am definitely not 'over sensitive'

Coldlightofday Fri 07-Mar-14 21:25:51

So, youare, if you aren't distressed and your feelings aren't hurt, why don't you like seeing the full word?

YouAreTalkingRubbish Fri 07-Mar-14 21:25:57

I don't won't to hide the thread. It's a interesting thread and I want to know how it pans out.

WorraLiberty Fri 07-Mar-14 21:28:54

So you've decided to actively read and post on a thread that contains repeated use of a word you don't like seeing? confused

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