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Yes, I know IABf*****gU, but I'm so wound up and need to get it out!

(13 Posts)
Puttheshelvesup Thu 06-Mar-14 09:42:01

Before I begin ranting I would just like to point out that nobody IRL knows how I feel, and I won't be letting them know either so hopefully nobody's feelings will be hurt.

I am so fucked off with my MIL being terminally ill. I am fucked off with the transplant team deciding to begin treatment just before ds's birthday so that she will miss it (what if it's the last one she will be around for?), and I am fucked off that DH will be in need of lots of emotional support and reassurance. Before I get flamed for being a selfish and heartless bitch I will explain a bit.

MIL has been waiting for ages for transplant team to decide if she is eligible or not. We thought it would be around May if they agreed to give her one. Dh and I have had problems with sex and intimacy due to me being sexually abused as a toddler. I thought my counselling had sorted that out, but I had a severe flashback about 6 weeks ago and we are back to zero intimacy. I decided with my therapist that I was ready to delve into the dark recesses of my memory and really deal with it once and for all. This sort of thing has had a huge impact on the family in the past, as I can be pretty useless on a practical level and emotionally closed off to DH and DC when I'm going through it all. I spoke to DH and we were preparing ourselves for next week when I would have a therapy session. Then Mil was told 2 days ago that chemo would begin on the 21st March.

The risks of the transplant are very high, so naturally DH is now in a bit of a state. Hopeful that it may be a cure for MIL and terrified he may lose her. I have to put off dealing with the other stuff as dc can't have both parents out of action, and I'm in a mess (a very secret mess that nobody else knows about). I had all this energy ready to put into dealing with this crap and getting rid of it once and for all, and now I have nowhere for it to go!

I know DH and MIL come first, and I love them both and hope I can be useful to them while they go through it all, but I' m full of anxiety and resentment due to having my plans scrapped, and worried that DH's needs will smother me as I struggle with physical contact and being touched. Him hugging me can make me panic and recoil, but I will have to suppress that as he needs me. None of this is any fun sad

intheround Thu 06-Mar-14 09:49:27

Oh gosh, it sounds like you are facing a mountain!
The only way to get through this is not to look at the whole massive thing but just take one day, or even one hour at a time and take baby steps through it.
Try not to think about the "what ifs" - you can end up imagining all sorts of horrendous things and for the most part they usually don't happen.
Try to focus on what is happening right now and concentrate on dealing with that.
There's a really good book about mindfulness but I can't remember who wrote it- I'm sure someone else will!

Puttheshelvesup Thu 06-Mar-14 10:12:04

Thanks for replying Intheround, I already practice mindfulness, but it's easy to get derailed! I just felt overwhelmed this morning and had to come home from the school run and get all this angst out before I exploded. I am going to have a tidy and buy some nice food that needs minimal cooking, and generally try to be kind to myself today.

TillyTellTale Thu 06-Mar-14 10:13:26

By the sainted Johnny Depp!

If you think it's fucking unreasonable for you to be upset by the universe because everything in life is colliding, pushing your own needs to the back of the queue, I don't want to think how bad it would have to get before you deemed yourself reasonable.

I'm so sorry things are like this. <hugs>

Puttheshelvesup Thu 06-Mar-14 10:24:26

I suppose you're right. Thank you thanks

Owwwwwwwwwww Thu 06-Mar-14 10:31:43

You poor love.

What can you do to support him, apart from easy food and looking after your DC? Would hand holding be more acceptable to you than a hug?

I'm not trying to be silly (honest) and know that when I'm feeling awful my DH tries to hug me and I cannot take it, I feel stifled. But I appreciate a hand squeeze from a reasonable distance.

Ah OP, what a tough time for you and your family.

Which is first? transplant or chemo?

Being kind to yourself today sounds a good plan. Please be kind to yourself in the coming weeks, not just today.

BTW, at times like these, batch cooking is your friend. Cook triple, get two days dinners and a batch for freezer from it.

Also, some light exercise, in the fresh air if possible, can also be good to clear your head. Another small way to be kind to yourself.

CumberCookie Thu 06-Mar-14 10:37:19

You are not being unreasonable, those are terrible things to bear. I'm so sorry things are like they are.

Puttheshelvesup Thu 06-Mar-14 10:53:48

Thank you all so much for replying. Hand holding is a good compromise, and batch cooking will definity be a help.

Chemo first followed immediately by transplant. She will be in hospital for about 2 months if all goes well, but will not be allowed to see dc for up to 5 months due to very weakened immune system. We'll be telling the dc about it next week once the transplant team have gone through all the possible outcomes will MIL and DH.

IWillOnlyEatBeans Thu 06-Mar-14 11:11:00

Of course YANBU.

Would it help to put another firm date in the diary for your counselling session, so you have something to focus on? Or are things too uncertain with your MIL? Do you have any family on your side who could step in and help out at all?

I know this might sound really odd, but a friend of mine who struggles with intimacy (she had similar experiences to you in her childhood) finds it easier to have physical contact with her DH if she hugs him from behind. I don't know why this helps, I think because she feels more in control of it and can break the contact when she wants to. Anyway you might have tried this already, apologies if that is the case.

thanks for you, OP, and good luck with the coming months.

thanks how rubbish for you op. As an abuse surviver myself (I hate that term) who has totally done the deep delving with the aid of excellent counselling, I have to share my experience with you.

There is no 'once and for all' I'm afraid - the past will continue to rear it's ugly head from time to time in your life. Sadly it doesn't distinguish between happy times or stressful times, but it is something you will have to manage for ever. Not to sound too doom and gloom. Counselling has helped me come to terms with that fact, as opposed to the abuse itself iykwim. That's not to say I don't have a lovely happy life - I do! But there is no once and for all, and I think that you can't really put off dealing with emotional stuff, because the timing is wrong. A piece meal approach may be the way forward, so that your periods of trauma healing are more manageable.

Puttheshelvesup Thu 06-Mar-14 11:48:40

Oh, boo. I really hadn't considered that.

Andro Thu 06-Mar-14 13:34:39

YANBU! I don't know much about sexual abuse counseling, but I have a son who has had complex counseling needs. When he's reached the point of facing a particularly bad 'bit' in the process, he had to really prepare for it (have a date, psych himself up etc) and any change to those plans caused major issues.

Being in a position of having to choose between your mental heath and supporting your family is a catch 22 of the worst kind

Gentle hand holding from me and please fine someone in RL to discuss what you're currently feeling, it's all perfectly reasonable but maybe you need someone you trust (your therapist?) to tell you that as well.

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