To know what to do?

(78 Posts)
J0die Fri 28-Feb-14 16:43:06

Hello. I have read this forum for some time and now at my wits end i have finally taken the plunge to join and i hope, get some advice from other Mums here.
To give a brief detail of my situation, i have been married for 9 years and i have 3 children under the age of 7. The youngest is a few months old and has slight learning difficulties, so he does not sleep for long and screams a lot when he is awake.
Things have now reached a crisis point with my DH as he is completely unsupportive.
I feel tired and completely wrung out all the time. However my DH demands that our home is clean, a meal is cooked and the children are asleep in their beds when he arrives home from work at 7.pm.
If anything is not done ready, he goes absolutely mad. He does not hit me but he has pushed me sometimes. It is more verbal abuse. He calls me fat, lazy and says that i look a mess.
He refuses point blank to look after the children for me, even so i can do the quickest of tasks. His actual words are ' You wanted fucking kids, you look after them' ( Please excuse the language )
He has not been interested in sex since i had our last child. When i asked him if there was someone else he replied ' I would rather have a wank than fuck you, you fat bitch' I found this extremely distressing and burst into tears. His reaction was to further verbally abuse me.
He goes online on his Ipad when he goes to bed and views porn while mastrubating, even with me laid in bed beside him. Last night, he pointed to one of the women on a porn film and said that if i looked like her, he would rape me every night. I went to the bathroom and cried.
He takes care of all the finances, even down to doing the shopping online. All the money goes into his bank account, his wages and my family allowance as i dont have a bank account and from this he gives me 25pounds a week as he says i dont need anything else as he pays for everything. From this i buy my sanitary wear and clothes.
I want to leave, but i have nowhere to go and no money. When i threaten to leave, he just says ' There's the door'.
I can't kick him out because the house that we live in belongs to his mother and he pays a small rent directly to her from his bank account.
He has also told me that if i leave, he will take the kids to Yemen and i will never see them again. This makes me very afraid as i know that if he does this, the Yemeni courts always side with the Father with custody, the mother has no rights at all. Even though he was born in England, his Parents are Yemeni and he has a Yemen passport. He also has the childrens passports locked away.
I can't work as i have nobody to care for my children while i am at work even if i did get a job.
I feel like i am going to have a breakdown. I go to bed and cry myself to sleep most nights, what can i do?
Please help.

Suicidal5833 Fri 28-Feb-14 16:47:10

You poor poor thing he sounds absoluteltely awful I would find the passports and contact women's aid.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Fri 28-Feb-14 16:47:17

First contact Women's Aid; for some reason I can no longer do links, but they're easily googled and someone else will come along with the phone number. It can be difficult to get through to them, but the support and advice they can give you is second to none.

WolfMoon Fri 28-Feb-14 16:48:38

Oh sweetheart. Is there anyone in real life you could turn to for help? Relatives, friends who could help you? I am so sorry that this is happening to you. Would you consider getting in touch with Women's Aid?

WolfMoon Fri 28-Feb-14 16:49:15
muddylettuce Fri 28-Feb-14 16:50:30

Contact women's aid. Asap. You need to leave him.

Finola1step Fri 28-Feb-14 16:53:37

Contact Women's Aid when he is out at work.

How do you access Mumsnet? Is it on your phone? If so, does your phone have a password that he does not know?

If its on the iPad that he uses, you must clear the Internet history. Do not leave any evidence of this thread or any contact with Womens Aud on any device.

You can get out if this situation. It will not be easy but it can be done with help. I wish you lots of luck.

bluntasabullet Fri 28-Feb-14 16:54:54

Where are the passports locked up?

Contact Women's aid. They will be able to help.

J0die Fri 28-Feb-14 16:55:48

Thank you for your kind words.
I contacted the womens aid some time ago and they advised me that as he has not been violent towards me or the children or deprived ( by this i think they meant basic provisions such as food etc ) then until i actually left or the police became involved then there wasn't anything that they could do. Hence my increasing despair. I have nothing to involve the police about, as i can't prove that he has pushed me and he has never been violent towards the children. I am so afraid that if i do leave, he will keep his word and remove my kids. I can't bear that thought.

YouTheCat Fri 28-Feb-14 16:57:07

That doesn't sound like the kind of advice Women's Aid give about emotional abuse.

J0die Fri 28-Feb-14 16:57:10

I do not know where their passports are hidden, i have looked everywhere. I suspect that they may even be with one of his relatives here. I can't ask or they will wonder why i am asking and tell him.

J0die Fri 28-Feb-14 16:59:06

Not here on this site, i mean here in the UK.

J0die Fri 28-Feb-14 17:01:51

Hello YouTheCat. I was very upset when i spoke with one of their advisors. She asked me if he had been violent towards me or the children and i said no, except for when he pushes me sometimes. She asked me if this left me with marks or bruises and i sad no, as it didn't.
She was sypmpathetic to be fair, but that is what she told me.

Nicknacky Fri 28-Feb-14 17:02:35

I would report the passports lost. You poor thing x

WorraLiberty Fri 28-Feb-14 17:04:29

Ring Women's Aid again

He is a very abusive man and pushing is violence anyway

MooseBeTimeForSnow Fri 28-Feb-14 17:05:55

You need to speak to a Solicitor. Is is possible for a "port alert" to be put on passports to stop them leaving the country by plane, rail, boat etc. I also know people who have told the Passport Office that the originals were "lost". I also know cases where court proceedings were issued in respect of the children (such as for residence or contact) where the passports were ordered to be held at Court or by a Solicitors office.

Women's Aid can help you and the children get to a place of safety if you leave. Could you do that whilst he is at work?

bluntasabullet Fri 28-Feb-14 17:06:09

That's a valid point about the passports, although then you/he will receive a letter from the passports office, and then he will question why you reported them lost.

Do you have all the birth certificates? Bank statements?

firstchoice Fri 28-Feb-14 17:11:24

It is certainly abusive.
Emotionally, financially, physically (he has already shoved you), sexually (he speaks of 'rape' and exposes you to porn frequently) and he is threatening to take your children from you.

Can you get back to Women's Aid (they are not all fab but most of them are)?

Can you report the passports stolen and obtain new ones? (be very careful he cannot detect this, you may need some good advice about exactly how to do this)

I am so sorry you are in this situation. It is NOT right and it will not be forever. You can get out.

Keep posting, if you are sure it is safe to do so. x.x.x.

J0die Fri 28-Feb-14 17:13:52

I jusr dont know how to make it better. I try to excercise at home when i can to lose some weight, especially my post baby weight. I try to keep the house nice and get things ready on time.
To be fair to DH, he is a very good Husband apart from the verbal abuse and not helping with the kids. He is a hard worker and he doesn't deny me anthing for our home or the children. We go twice a year to visit his parents and they come and visit us twice a year. He spends some time with the 2 eldest children at the weekends but on an educational level rather than a fun level, so they are sat at the table with books. On a saturday and sunday afternoon, he spends 2 hours teaching our eldest 2 maths, reading and writing. I do love him, but at the moment i feel so low because of his attitude.

WorraLiberty Fri 28-Feb-14 17:15:30

He's a cunt

And despite what you're now saying, you know he's a cunt otherwise you wouldn't have contacted Women's Aid (which was the right thing to do).

Please contact them again.

J0die Fri 28-Feb-14 17:15:42

Hello BluntasaBUllet.
No, i do not have their birth certificates, he has those, i assume with the passports. I never see any bank statements as he does all his banking online and i do not have access to it. It is only his bank account. I do not have one.

bluntasabullet Fri 28-Feb-14 17:26:57

Do you want to leave?

Pipbin Fri 28-Feb-14 17:28:07

Exactly what Worra said.
He is not a good man or a good husband.
No good husband would treat you the way he does.
It has nothing to do with your weight, he is making feel worthless, like it's your fault and that if you did leave him then no one else would want you.

He is a cunt, a cunt if the highest order and you need to leave as soon as you can.

Can you go to your parents?

ShowMeYourTARDIS Fri 28-Feb-14 17:28:34

He's a complete and utter bastard. Just because he has a few somewhat decent qualities doesn't excuse his behavior.

He's violent.
He's controlling.
He's foul.

How would you feel if your daughter married a man like him?

I can't imagine how difficult this is for you OP, but you're getting some really good advice.

mymiraclebubba Fri 28-Feb-14 17:32:45

I have no advice other than what has already been offered here however I didn't want to read and run

Stay strong and safe and do anything you can to leave!! Can you open a bank account without his knowledge and try and save some of the money he gives you so you can prepare to leave maybe?

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