to feel sad at this mum's behaviour at parents evening?

(51 Posts)
spookyskeleton Thu 27-Feb-14 17:03:44

Have just been to parents evening and everyone sits in the hall looking at their DC's work whilst waiting to see the teacher.

Was sat opposite a mum who had her daughter with her and as she was looking through all her workbooks, all I heard was 'oh, you haven't done that right', 'you got that wrong', 'why have you done that', 'you should be working above a level 2a now', and so on and so on. Not one word of praise in the 15 minutes that we were sat there shock

I felt so sorry for the girl - who to be fair, just kept shrugging it off and at one point tried to argue that the way she had done it was the way the teacher had told them to do it at which point, the mum said 'well I'll show you an easier way of working that out'.

Just very sad - and before anyone says anything, yes I know it is none of my business etc etc wink

sunshinemmum Fri 28-Feb-14 13:45:33

Also I don't think that rebukes need not to be public.

blessedhope Fri 28-Feb-14 13:30:23

YABU to suspect the mum's somehow a bad parent on this evidence alone, but YANBU to feel sad for the girl- it could be that her work was significantly below the level her mum knows she is capable of and so a firm clear rebuke of the errors was in order...parenting isn't always about 'unconditional positive regard'. Still without knowing the circs I would lean towards there being some value in finding something to praise in addition to the necessary criticism so the child doesn't experience it as a total rejection of their efforts.

sunshinemmum Fri 28-Feb-14 13:22:16

I followed an extremely gifted sister and my Dad was like this or worse a sigh and 'well you tried your best' smile I am pretty sure that I over compensate with DS as a result, but I occasionally bring myself up short if I hear Dad's voice creeping through mine.

KrevlornswathoftheDeathwokClan Fri 28-Feb-14 13:06:03

I had a phone call from one of my year 7s parents which was basically a rant about how awful the child was. The lad was difficult and was economical with the truth but his mum was so so negative about him sad No wonder he lies if he gets a ton of bricks come down on him every time he gets something wrong.

MostWicked Fri 28-Feb-14 09:48:11

I wouldn't judge to be honest. You don't know the background. Kid could be lazy as shit and might use her homework workbook to wipe her arse with.

Then you would need to motivate that child. A barrage of criticism about how rubbish your work is, will never motivate any child.
Some criticism, along with lots of praise and encouragement will motivate.
And if a child is "lazy as shit", there's a reason, and it is highly likely to be a lack of confidence. Even high achievers suffer from that, because they can be so afraid of failure, that they don't bother trying. Sometimes it is easier not to try, than it is to fail and know that your efforts will be criticised as never being good enough.

And I think you should find reasons to praise. If you are willing to look through books and find things to criticise, then I think the least you can do is find things to praise. Parents who predominantly criticise, make their children feel crap. If you went into work and your boss just pointed out all the things you did wrong, you wouldn't feel inclined to work much harder. If they said, you did a great hob with that, thanks for your effort, can you do the same again with this please? you would be more inclined to do it.

PumpkinPie2013 Fri 28-Feb-14 09:32:54

This is sad sad how will the poor child ever develop confidence and self worth if she is never praised for anything sad

I'm a teacher and always find something to praise all of my students with.

It makes me very sad when I hear parents saying their dc 'is just being lazy' when I say that they are finding the subject difficult but are trying their very,very best (I teach A-level).

These are the same students who frequently say they are 'no good at anything' or 'stupid' or 'can't do it because I'm not clever enough' and have terribly low self esteem sad

Tulip26 Fri 28-Feb-14 08:31:19

This makes me so sad, it was basically me twenty years ago. Still can't do anything right. You do learn to tune out and accept praise where you can find it. I was unplanned first child. Sister was planned second kid and could do no wrong. She's got a better job than me, funny that!

thegreylady Fri 28-Feb-14 07:58:50

Re competetive parents: my youngest dgs is in Reception and at last Sports Day when he was told to run and jump into a hula hoop he said"Why?" His dad was encouraging him by saying,"Let me see how fast you can run!" The child just said "No thank you." My daft but lovely dsil said "Shall I show you?" He had to be gently dissuaded from joining 12 little ones and running to a hula hoop and jumping in it!

baggytshirt Fri 28-Feb-14 07:31:41

I really hope the poor girl had lost her iPhone/broken the home computer/run up a £100 games bill just before they came to school and the mother isn't always like that.

MargotLovedTom Fri 28-Feb-14 07:17:09

FLURMP - really? hmm

Okay, to those who think it's not that bad - if you had an appraisal at work which was a constant stream of negativity, would that make you feel good?

Whatever happened to constructive criticism? Or a shit sandwich - good comment, critical comment, good comment?

TamerB Fri 28-Feb-14 07:02:51

Unfortunately it isn't uncommon- some children have very difficult parents and sadly there is nothing you can do.

Eggsiseggs Fri 28-Feb-14 06:54:39

ilovesooty I was just about to mention those situations. Awful.
From the mild and totally unaware 'oh Jane isn't the clever one, are you? Emma's the clever one, isn't she Jane?'

To the more disturbing frank favouritism and lack of love/pride/support in the child sitting beside them.

It can be so sad - I have defended more than one child, and been pretty blunt with quite a few parents over the years!

ilovesooty Fri 28-Feb-14 01:13:47

I've never forgotten the mum of two daughters, 2 years apart. I taught both of them. She used to come and enthuse about her older child. However her younger (more academically able) daughter was another matter. She once told me that her elder daughter was "so affectionate" but her younger daughter was "so difficult to love" angry

bedouincheek Fri 28-Feb-14 00:48:39

^^ positively reinforce (ie well done! you got it! great, can you explain to me how to do it now? ... Less of the head smacking!)

bedouincheek Fri 28-Feb-14 00:45:53

Well as an ex teacher, I have heard and seen almost all of it. From absolute denial that their precious little darling is a little shit disruptive in class, to watching as they smack them repeatedly round the back of the head as they walk away (overseas but British family, so no SS!).
Professionally the best way to point out areas for improvement is to question, discuss, advise and reinforce. It works. Unfortunately we are educating the children not the parents. I have no more lips to bite.

Oldraver Fri 28-Feb-14 00:06:18

I remember a Mum shouting at her daughter while she was taking part in a race "come on you can do much better than that" a the top of her voice. She was only in Reception as well

800threadcount Thu 27-Feb-14 22:14:30

In Irish there's an ancient phrase - "Mol an óige agus tiocfaidh sí. Bual sa tóin í agus titfidh sí".
Praise the young and you'll bring them along. Kick them and they'll fall".
There's great wisdom in there.

BlackeyedSusan Thu 27-Feb-14 21:15:19

she works much better with encourgement and praise for what she has done. i hope the girls teacher encourages her.

BlackeyedSusan Thu 27-Feb-14 21:14:17

i used to bribe dd with a trip to the cafe if she would just write her best in school... instead of pretending to be unable to write at all. it carried on into following years... I would be able to find at least one comma, or question mark or time connective or whatever in her books somewhere so she could have her treat.

FLURMP Thu 27-Feb-14 20:53:39

I think it's easy to judge as others have said.

There's stuff like what they're like the rest of the time, that child's behaviour and botheredness at school, what that child responds well to, and what the parent felt worked for them as a child that you can't gauge from one overheard conversation

spookyskeleton Thu 27-Feb-14 20:46:04

hadabadday there is a huge difference between not praising unnecessarily to constant criticism - she could have sat there and read them in silence which would have been preferable.

Some very sad stories on here - older siblings sad

NewtRipley Thu 27-Feb-14 20:00:14

HadABadDay

Can you imagine not offering a word of praise when looking at the books of your year 2/3 child?

Fusedog Thu 27-Feb-14 19:58:43

I even saw a few with there olde siblings now that's sad

Fusedog Thu 27-Feb-14 19:58:11

Au least she turned up I feel sorry for the children who parents feel nothing they ever do during school is worthy of there presence

HadABadDay2014 Thu 27-Feb-14 19:56:42

Perhaps her daughter can do better and is not trying at school.

I will praise my DC when they deserve it, but I don't specifically look for something to praise them for. I don't have many expectations for them but I do expect them to try their hardest.

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