To expect a bit more???

(60 Posts)
BannanaRamma Thu 27-Feb-14 14:40:48

My DP has always had back problems. It seems to be getting worse as the years go on. And I know how much pain DP is in, the amount of medication DP is on is a lot too....
It's just I feel like I'm on my own some times. I cook, clean, look after children, shop, washing, entertain DP random family members who come knocking day after day.
I dont drive, my DP does. So I can't go out (live in small village, no buses) to go shopping etc. The children come home & know DP in bed so be quiet, friends ring & always ask where DP is and before I answer they do for me! Saying 'Oh in bed again?'
We miss family days out, doing anything as a family.
I understand the pain is bad, I do.
But at certain times DP will get up, help family members out, help friends out, go for long walks etc. Just seems to be when DP 'feels' like it. DP isn't depressed (we went doctors to make sure)
Yesterday DP got up at 9am and went out because I had an app and I needed lift. But went back to bed in afternoon and got up a few hours later, then went sleep at 10.30pm. It's not 14.40 and DP hasn't stirred at all.
I say to get up, to take meds & be as active as you can be. Regulate meds etc. But nothing. DP might get up in about hour, if not will stay asleep til children go bed. I feel like DP wasting life & some times think just loves sleep loads.
Like I said I know about the pain etc, it's just I know when DP wants to go, they can.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Thu 27-Feb-14 14:46:14

I thought medical advice these days was that bed rest didn't necessarily help back problems?

I think he does sound lazy.

But - FGS learn to drive so that you are properly independent of him.

kotinka Thu 27-Feb-14 14:48:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ViviPru Thu 27-Feb-14 14:48:16

err... thanks Ali - that's pretty much exactly what I was going to say!

BannanaRamma Thu 27-Feb-14 15:01:40

I am doing my driving atm , financial problems stopped me for a few months.
Blood tests have been done already, nothing to report from them. Everything is fine. Just think am I being unreasonable? To expect DP to get up in the am...

kotinka Thu 27-Feb-14 15:04:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BannanaRamma Thu 27-Feb-14 15:19:06

No DP doesn't work. I work my arse off to provide for everyone (i have a DD & DP has a DS from previous) pain meds are just whenever. I say to regulate them, DP says whenever. I know DP in a rut , I'm struggling to fix this situation. I ask for help all the time. Honestly DP has so much to do (painting needs to be finished for a start) but just don't bother. DP job was to put rubbish out. Second week not been done! Just little things now...

CailinDana Thu 27-Feb-14 15:20:10

Why are you entertaining his family members? Tell him he needs to be there if his family visit, otherwise you'll send them home.

CailinDana Thu 27-Feb-14 15:22:50

Also, why does he need to sleep so much? There is no way I'd be telling the children to be quiet in their own home to allow a manbaby to sleep!

PooroldJumbo Thu 27-Feb-14 15:30:40

Op yanbu to expect more. If your DP is virtually bedridden due to medical reasons he needs to address those reasons sharpish. If he needs more help to manage his back pain he should go out and get it. The only benefit of doubt I would give your dp is the possibility of him suffering depression, but if that is the case he needs to go out and get help.

On the surface it does seem that he is just supremely lazy and it could be that he will always find an excuse to do nothing.

I agree that you should get your driving licence and gain some independence from him in the short term. Could you start a savings account to give yourself a financial cushion should you reach the end of your tether?

BannanaRamma Thu 27-Feb-14 15:33:36

DP gran lives next door. She's that kind of woman who comes round whenever she pleases. Not the type of woman you can tell to go away. Believe me I've tried!! If I open the door she will just walk in, sit down & just stay there regardless if anyone talks to her of not.
There is no reason for the long sleeps. DP just got up now. So been asleep 17 hours and is now laying on sofa. Not talking.

Jess03 Thu 27-Feb-14 15:46:05

What does the dr say about dh's lifestyle and the reasons? I suppose I'm not clear if he's in so much pain that laying in bed is all that's tolerable? What's normal for someone with his condition? I'd take him to the dr and try and get a sense of what's normal for this condition. Ultimately though, if it's not working for you, you do have options.

ENormaSnob Thu 27-Feb-14 15:47:29

Sounds like a lazy cunt imo.

My stepdad has terrible back problems (inc surgery x3, morphine release tabs, oromorph for breakthrough pain and a mobility scooter)

He still gets up and goes to work.

CailinDana Thu 27-Feb-14 15:58:49

So next time his gran walks all over you in get him up and tell him to deal with her. You are letting people treat you like shit.

rollonthesummer Thu 27-Feb-14 15:59:07

Does he not have to go to work? Do you work?

Littleen Thu 27-Feb-14 16:06:10

I think this has got to be something other than back problems. Everyone I know with back problems including myself, would find it excrutiating to just lie down all the time. constant change of position is better. Perhaps its ME or just something else entirely? Also go see a chiropractor - some of them do amazing work (though some don't work at all)

ShedWood Thu 27-Feb-14 16:07:36

Are you sure you want to be with this guy?

He's not contributing to the housework, the childcare or the finances, he seems to be making you more unhappy than happy, have you considered dumping his lazy arse?

squeakytoy Thu 27-Feb-14 16:09:49

my husband has acute back pain and is in agony much of the time.. he still manages to get up and go to work each day, even though he is due to have a serious back op at some point soon..

your partner sounds like he is taking the piss..

ConferencePear Thu 27-Feb-14 16:18:11

If he really can't cope, should you be getting DLA ?

ShedWood Thu 27-Feb-14 16:23:35

Thing is whilst a bad back is hard, it doesn't mean you can't sit with your children and read them a book does it?

It doesn't mean you can't talk to them and watch over them whilst they're in the bath (assuming they're still young enough to need that).

It doesn't mean you can't he your kids with homework, do a bit of ironing (possibly whilst sitting down) and tidy up a bit.

It sounds like the bad back is an excuse to opt out of all bits of family life that he doesn't like, leaving it all on the OP's shoulders, which just isn't fair.

At the worst I'd want to see him suggest a list of things he is able to do and actively engage in those activities, surely he should want to spend more time with his kids and not see his wife run ragged?

NatashaBee Thu 27-Feb-14 16:24:30

Do you know what his actual diagnosis is? It sounds like he has just got into a vicious circle of needing more sleep because he's used to lots of sleep, as well as probably depression.

Has he had any specialist treatment or has his dr just been handing out pain meds? Could you ask for a specialist referral or a referral to a pain clinic?

ChrisMooseAlbanians Thu 27-Feb-14 16:27:20

Er... YANBU. My DP has horrendous back problems (although they have eased with cortisol injections, query this with your doctor!) and he got up and went to work every day. Laying in bed isn't any good for you... And to be honest, DP couldn't lay in bed for longer than about 4 hours because it was so uncomfortable. Whilst I appreciate that your DP probably has different problems, he is being an Arse.

ChrisMooseAlbanians Thu 27-Feb-14 16:27:49

And what Shedwood said!!!!

WeAreEternal Thu 27-Feb-14 16:31:17

As others have said he sounds like a lazy cocklodger.

I suffer from bad back pain after an accident last year, it so bad that I can't drive, but I still manage to get up at 5.30 every day take care of DS and work full time.

Rest does nothing for back pain/injuries.
Your 'D'P is using his back pain as an excuse to be a waste of oxygen.
Why are you with him?
You sound like you would be vastly better off without him.

expatinscotland Thu 27-Feb-14 16:37:40

Sounds like a lazy cocklodger.

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