To think that sending one child state school and one child to private school is child abuse

(240 Posts)
ReallyTired Thu 27-Feb-14 12:19:46

Obviously if there is substantial special needs and there is no choice to send a child to a state school then that is completely different. Private schools for children who require a statement are difficult to find and to persaude the LEA to fund.

A neighbour of mine has chosen sent her eldest son to an expensive private very selective secondary school. The child has a partial scolarship and bursery, but they still have to find a couple of thousand pounds a year. It is a huge financial struggle. They cannot afford to send the youngest to private school. They have made the decision to send the youngest to state school as he is less intelligent. They have decided that the youngest child is less intelligent at the age of seven.

I feel that giving a child a private school education because he is deemed to be more intelligent than his sibbling is favourism. It must really hit the self esteem of the state educated child that they were not considered worth investing in. There are plenty of mixed ablity private schools with good results in my area. As the children get older they will notice the difference in resources and life experiences the other child has.

ScentedScandal Fri 28-Feb-14 19:13:10

Oh dear OP you've derailed this debate by calling it child abuse which it's not.

But I think it's an interesting scenario nonetheless. My dh and his sibling were in this situation. And there really was no reason for it other than inlaws have always focused their resources towards his brother. More so dh went to boarding school whilst his brother stayed at home having gone to private school. Although no-one ever mentions it, it's def the elephant in the room.

tallulah Fri 28-Feb-14 18:59:43

Meant to add that this was in the 1990s. I don't believe HTs can block now, although we don't have children in the system now, so I can't be sure.

tallulah Fri 28-Feb-14 18:58:32

Opalquartz we never did find out. It was a combination of things. HT didn't agree with the Grammar system (although her own children were at one of the best private schools in the area) and only about 2 pupils per year from that school went to Grammar. She did her best to put parents off entering their child, and DD's equally bright friends didn't even sit the test.

There was something very personal in it as well. DD wasn't the easiest of children and it really felt like PayBack sad. That said DD changed overnight once she started secondary, so she'd clearly been very unhappy at primary. I feel very guilty that I didn't notice.

ShitOnAStick Fri 28-Feb-14 13:23:40

YABVU. One of my friends has three siblings (so four children total). Her brother got a scholarship for a private school so went. Her and her sisters went to state schools. To an outsider it would have looked like her parents valued their son more than their daughters but that wasn't the case. She does not consider herself abused, she just didn't get a scholarship and he did.
He also had very poor social skills and was bullied in a state school but wasn't at private school.
My friend and her sisters actually got better exam results and are doing far better now than their privately educated brother.

Dinosaursareextinct Fri 28-Feb-14 13:14:46

I know a family whose youngest DS goes to a nice private school, and the older DS goes to local ok not great comp. They offered the private school to the older one when he was 11, but he wanted to go to local comp to stay with his friends. The younger one chose the private school.
That's all well and good, but as far as I can tell the older one is the kind of child who says no to things - maybe can't face new challenges, prefers the easy option. It may well be that when he's older he resents his parents not making the decision for him.

SeaSickSal Fri 28-Feb-14 12:55:05

They know their child. I think they are capable of calling whether or not this child is capable of getting a scholarship and bursary and if he's not I don't see why they should put him through trying.

As the other child was capable of getting a scholarship I don't see why he should give it up because his brother isn't.

OpalQuartz Fri 28-Feb-14 12:49:16

Why did the head block your child from going to grammar when they passed the 11+ tallulah? I didn't know they could do that

Pigsmummy Fri 28-Feb-14 12:40:23

I know someone who has had a third child with a rich guy, that child is in private education, the two children from her ex husband go to a really rough state school. It's not fair but it's not abuse.

thenamestheyareachanging Fri 28-Feb-14 12:22:35

Not child abuse, no, but I was the child not sent to private school and I do resent it. However, I home ed my oldest child. My second child loved nursery and seems to thrive in that environment - it's not that I'm not prepared to Home Ed her, and I have never wanted to do different things with different children - but beginning to think that I may have to if it turns out that different things are best for the individual child.

However, I'd never force her to go to school - so no, I wouldn't send one to private school if it was never going to be an option to send the others because we just couldn't afford to send them all.

MissBetseyTrotwood Fri 28-Feb-14 09:29:26

Good post 2rebecca and an excellent point about the demanding or expensive hobby. I did resent being dragged round to DB's tennis tournaments until I became interested in boys and started to enjoy watching the fit tennis players he played with!

2rebecca Thu 27-Feb-14 23:05:42

I have 1 at each type of school. They both got to choose their secondary school. Should my youngest (who chose to go to a state school) have been deprived of her choice just because her brother chose differently? Treating children equally doesn't necessarily mean treating them exactly the same as they have different personalities and needs.
If 1 child feels as though they are being treated as second best then that is a different issue but often that is more to do with parental attitudes than which school they go to. 1 child with a demanding hobby can cause this feeling too, plus some children are just easier to like, although most parents try to get round this problem. My brother was definitely more easy going and likeable than my sister and I when we were young although my parents only admitted this when we were older.

tallulah Thu 27-Feb-14 22:58:55

Our DC1 passed the 11+ but the HT blocked her going to Grammar. We then were very lucky to get her an assisted place at a private school. At the same time we asked the school about an assisted place for DC3 to start Y3, since we were worried that the same would happen with him. He also got in.

DC2 didn't take the 11+ because of SEN, and instead went to the local high (secondary modern) school. He was involved in the school selection all the way through and chose this school. His friends were all going there and he was the only one who actually got to walk on his own, because the other schools were a lot further away from our house.

He did very well there as a big fish in a small pond - top sets all the way and a very good pastoral system. He went to the state Grammar for 6th form.

DC3 did Y3 to Y6 at private, passed 11+ and went to state grammar for secondary. DC4 we moved from original primary to a different state primary because of failings within the school, did very well at the new school, passed 11+ and joined DC3 at the Grammar.

All of the children were involved in school discussions and all understood the reasons behind each choice. DC1 is now 28, DC4 22, and so far we've had no murmurings from any of them feeling hard done by about their schooling.

bulby Thu 27-Feb-14 22:58:52

Oops hit send by accident, was making a facetious comment so probably as well! Having worked in both systems I know first hand how children thrive and fail in both.
The vast majority of people send their kids to the school they think is right for their child. Thank goodness I only have one.

LondonForTheWeekend Thu 27-Feb-14 22:55:46

But Babs how do you differentiate between abusive and merely toxic.

bulby Thu 27-Feb-14 22:55:40

I am appalled at some of the attitudes on this thread. Statements such as 'the mercy of the state school system' etc the vast majority of children in this country thrive in the state school system. I currently work in a state comprehensive with several children on future Olympian training programmes (we're in the the north of England too if we're

tiggytape Thu 27-Feb-14 22:19:49

For those of you saying well, very often an excellent state is better than the local private. Then why would the parent be sending one of their children privately (outside special needs)?

Some parts of the country still have single sex comps and sometimes the girls one is much better than the boys one or vice versa. If you get your daughter into a fantastic girls' school there might not be anywhere equally good to send a son without going private. The same applies to state grammar schools which are also often single sex.

BabstheChicken Thu 27-Feb-14 22:13:21

I believe the far side of fuck wants you back OP. I've heard it's a popular destination for people who use 'child abuse' inappropriately or those who are just goady twats

frogslegs35 Thu 27-Feb-14 22:04:38

yabu to call it child abuse.
I agree it is unfair.

CoffeeChocolateWine Thu 27-Feb-14 21:52:45

No not child abuse on any level.

I am one of 4 children (the youngest). When I was 6 my father was offered a position abroad (in Greece). At the time my sister (the eldest) was 14 and the older of my two brothers was 13. My parents made the decision to send my sister and brother to boarding school in the UK as they felt they would get a better secondary education in the UK rather than Greece. My other brother and I spent 4 years abroad.

When I was 12 and the younger of my two brothers was 14, (we had moved back to the UK by this point), I was ready to start my secondary education. My brother was already in the local state school (single sex) and it was excellent...one of the best state schools in the country at that time. My parents had no hesitation in him going there. But the local girls state school was nowhere near as good (and yes, they considered me the more academic of us two) so they made the decision to apply for a private school. As it happened, I didn't get in and went to the state school and did well. For the sixth form I did get into the private school and went there for two years.

I don't think my parents felt they were giving me preferential treatment by me going to private school (eventually!)...I think they thought I was was not getting the same opportunities by going to much less well performing state school than the one my brother went to. In a way they were trying to bring me back onto level-pegging.

BitOutOfPractice Thu 27-Feb-14 21:36:21

Worry shall we do a house swap for a few weeks. I'm so nosy!

AlansLeftMoob Thu 27-Feb-14 21:34:34

I haven't read the full thread but this line in your opening post - "I feel that giving a child a private school education because he is deemed to be more intelligent than his sibbling is favourism." Of course it's favouritism, but it's not child abuse.

I do think it's very unfair!

WorrySighWorrySigh Thu 27-Feb-14 21:26:39

I wish my neighbours would keep a bit more to themselves!

BitOutOfPractice Thu 27-Feb-14 20:52:49

Oh Worry I obviously live a sheltered life with disappointingly discreet neighbours grin

WorrySighWorrySigh Thu 27-Feb-14 20:51:05

BitOutOfPractice - yes, my neighbour tends to tell me all sorts of stuff I really dont need or want to know.

BitOutOfPractice Thu 27-Feb-14 20:47:55

Would it be troll hunting to say I think the OP's pants are on fire? I do not know a single person, in RL or online, who knows that personal, financial and private workings of any "neighbour"'s family like the OP does. Do you?

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