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To think that sending one child state school and one child to private school is child abuse

(240 Posts)
ReallyTired Thu 27-Feb-14 12:19:46

Obviously if there is substantial special needs and there is no choice to send a child to a state school then that is completely different. Private schools for children who require a statement are difficult to find and to persaude the LEA to fund.

A neighbour of mine has chosen sent her eldest son to an expensive private very selective secondary school. The child has a partial scolarship and bursery, but they still have to find a couple of thousand pounds a year. It is a huge financial struggle. They cannot afford to send the youngest to private school. They have made the decision to send the youngest to state school as he is less intelligent. They have decided that the youngest child is less intelligent at the age of seven.

I feel that giving a child a private school education because he is deemed to be more intelligent than his sibbling is favourism. It must really hit the self esteem of the state educated child that they were not considered worth investing in. There are plenty of mixed ablity private schools with good results in my area. As the children get older they will notice the difference in resources and life experiences the other child has.

comicsansisevil Thu 27-Feb-14 12:21:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

meditrina Thu 27-Feb-14 12:21:43

I think it is a poor decision, but I do not think this is what child abuse looks like.

Miren Thu 27-Feb-14 12:21:57

Oh dear

MissMilbanke Thu 27-Feb-14 12:22:27

nah you are very wrong on this.

on lots of levels...

pussycatdoll Thu 27-Feb-14 12:22:35

Ha
No, not at all
They can afford it for the first child because he has a scholarship & bursary
Maybe he was being bullied
How likely is it that you know all the facts ??
& obviuosly they'll never tell the second child he's not as bright

Tommy Thu 27-Feb-14 12:23:04

how is child abuse?
unfair maybe
but abuse? hmm

jellybeans Thu 27-Feb-14 12:23:05

I know two people who do this. One did it for the girl as 'being a girl she is more vunerable' yet the two boys went to local comp. Another sent her oldest as she is 'so bright' yet the younger sister 'wasn't clever enough' to waste all that money. She freely tells everyone. I don't get it. If daughter is so bright she will do well in the local(good) comp!

CoffeeTea103 Thu 27-Feb-14 12:23:21

Ridiculous to call it child abuse when it's clearly not!

DorianReprise Thu 27-Feb-14 12:23:35

The child has a scholarship. So no. YABU

ReallyTired Thu 27-Feb-14 12:23:35

Why do I think its child abuse? I feel that parental favourism messes with children's heads. The rejectee child can be made to feel worthless and ironically the favoured child can have problems. If you look at the stately homes thread you can see the emotional turmoil that extreme favourism causes.

I don't think that its being unreasonable to think that focussing all the families financial resources at the expense of other sibblings is a form of child abuse. Especially as sibblings have to forego nice holidays, hobbies to afford for the golden child to attend the expensive private school.

Aeroflotgirl Thu 27-Feb-14 12:24:51

Yabvvvvu it is nit child abuse fgs, that trivialises abuse. If the elder boy is more academic, it makes more sense as he would benefit from it more.

YABVU. Do you even know whether the state educated child is happy at their school?

I what Childline would say about this most pernicious form of child abuse. Do you think their call handlers get special training to deal with this kind of issue?

Smilesandpiles Thu 27-Feb-14 12:25:37

Hang on...I can see where the OP is coming from with this.

My best friend from school was in a state school (all be it a good one) but her brother was sent to an exclusive boarding school.

Both had problems resulting from this. She thought that she wasn't good enough and her brother used to think that they didn't want him around.

The self esteem from both of them was knocked and it seemed to be a waste of money in the long run as both children are doing very well - regardless of their education but their relationship towards their parents and each other is still an issue now.

Child abuse?

Yabu

Also, mind your own business. Old gossip mongering curtain twitcher's thread...

HesterShaw Thu 27-Feb-14 12:25:57

Child abuse? Really? Come on.

Child abuse? No.

And abuse of which child? They will both notice the difference and the parents might find it is the older one, who is under huge pressure to perform and justify the money spent, who goes off the rails and gets resentful The privately educated child also runs the risk of having to change school if the money runs out which he will be aware of I am sure.

It also depends on how the parents tackle the issue. They might couch in terms of each child going to the best school for them.

MrRected Thu 27-Feb-14 12:26:07

Child abuse!!! Have you any idea how offensive that is to somebody who was actually abused as a child.

My DSs are privately educated - my DD is not. The reasons why are fuck all to do with busy bodies like you!!!!!!!!

Aeroflotgirl Thu 27-Feb-14 12:26:19

I went to private school it is not all that, state schools can be very good, I think tony Blair sent his ds to one. Child abuse get a grip!

MummyCoolski Thu 27-Feb-14 12:26:27

If the older child qualifies for a substantial scholarship & bursary (sounds like most of the fees if they only have to find a couple of thousand pounds per year) due to his ability, it could equally be seen as cruel if they don't allow him to attend if it is within their power to let him go.

Lots of families have one very talented sibling. Not letting it get in the way of each child's individual potential must be hard.

Judging from the outside is unhelpful.

Btw, it's favouriTism.

Jinty64 Thu 27-Feb-14 12:28:06

YABU. Different children have different needs. It would be wrong to turn down the chance of a scholarship and a bursary for one child just because the other won't atain that. There will be other things they can do for DC2 in the future.

sherbetpips Thu 27-Feb-14 12:28:18

What? No it is not, it is a decision parents have made many times over the years.
You could look at friends of ours who have one son in private school and one in state school. There daughter just didn't adapt to private school and didn't thrive as well as there son. They made this decision at 8 years old, she loves her schooling and so does he.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Thu 27-Feb-14 12:28:47

I think that if their attitude is negative towards their youngest and they have effectively 'written them off' then it is a matter for concern, if that attitude is extended to their treatment of the child generally it has the potential to do great harm to them. So they are treated less favourably, not given opportunities, told they are not intelligent, etc etc. Abuse is not just beating a child.

So I wouldn't say it is child abuse because there isn't the information available in your post to determine that but I wouldn't say that it could not be or that it could not turn into a situation or family dynamic that might be abusive.

iyswim.

Aeroflotgirl Thu 27-Feb-14 12:29:05

Private schools generally are for more academic children, they tend not be be good with SN (mine wasn't, and I had dyslexia and dyscalculia)

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