to not wake up to let DH in

(53 Posts)
megamuffin Wed 26-Feb-14 23:24:17

Have name changed as I'm sure he snoops on here and this will certainly out me.

DH has gone on a works day out today. Just before he left at 7 this morning, he woke me and 8 month old ds (we were co sleeping) to ask where the spare key was as he didn't know what time he would be back and he wanted to let himself in. I had no idea so he left without it.

I just texted him asking if he knew when he would be home and he rang back with this reply:

"Some people are leaving at half 11 so IF I get a lift with them I'll be home for half 12 ish. If not then I dont know"

Was I unreasonable to say if he didn't get a lift with the half 11 people then he wouldn't be getting into this house as I will be asleep?! His reply to that was "fine! I'll sleep at someones then come home at half 6 in the morning to get ready for work!". Again, was I unreasonable to say no, I'll be asleep then too!? Should I get up for him? The works day out finished hours ago, they're now just out on the piss.

ikeaismylocal Thu 27-Feb-14 09:26:12

Yanbu my co-sleep ing ds would wake up if the doorbell rang or my phone rang, it wouldn't just be a cast of jumping out of bed for 2 minutes and opening the door I would then be up for 45 minutes putting ds back to sleep again.

He knew he didn't have a key, I think he should have come home when he knew you were still awake.

Mycatistoosexy Thu 27-Feb-14 09:19:22

I find people's attitudes weird here. He went out knowing he didn't have a key, decided to stay out late in spite of that when his other half has a baby to look after, then said just leave a key for him burglars? Rather than just saying 'yeah, I'll compromise and come home a bit earlier and not take the piss'

Now it's the OP's fault for doing too much and making a rod for her own back or just being petty?

It's not a LTB situation but a bit I'd be a bit put out

ProfPlumSpeaking Thu 27-Feb-14 08:57:21

You are on a slippery slope. If your DH were single, he would simply have had to find his key before he went out - there would not be someone else to let him in. He would not be waking someone up to ask them where the spare key was, and then again to let him in in the early hours.

If he goes out twice a week without you, and away on holiday without you, and doesn't help with nights even at the weekend then I reckon you are setting yourself up for a miserable life. When you go back to work, your DH will be in the habit of thinking he has a domestic fairy and he still won't pull his weight. Do you think that when you are working 9-5 someone else will be doing all the nights/cooking (making assumptions), cleaning etc. No. Working people usually have chores in their spare time and there is no reason why your DH should not be doing some now especially if you are sleep deprived. You deserve time off too! Btw, what do I know, but at 8mo is your baby not eating solids and drinking water (ie can you not skip a milk feed in order to go out one evening?). Maybe you are slightly making a rod for your own back on that front....

KiwiBanana Thu 27-Feb-14 08:50:25

I thought it might be something like that. In that case yanbu for feeling so resentful, I also would have reacted the same.

bleedingheart Thu 27-Feb-14 08:46:05

The full story totally explains your annoyance. He has a cushy number there!

Working 8-5 does not justify that level of laziness and selfishness.

If you were a controlling wife he wouldn't be living the life of Riley while you sink into the drudgery of sleep deprivation.

SayraT Thu 27-Feb-14 08:38:24

Doctrine no because my OH would either leave the door unlocked or get up to let me in....but in the last reply from the OP it is clear that her DH isn't being very helpful around the house or with the baby and has had many nights out which makes it different.

If my OH was like that I'd leave him outside too. Glad he came home at a reasonable time OP and your DH has a shit excuse for not helping with your baby.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Thu 27-Feb-14 08:28:13

He doesn't do anything to help with the baby when he's home because he works "8am-5pm"?

He's been away twice for a week without you?

Sigh.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Thu 27-Feb-14 08:26:30

If you knew you didn't have your key when you went out, would you make an effort to get back as early as possible, Sayra?

megamuffin Thu 27-Feb-14 08:25:31

Update - I got up to let him in just before 1am which I didn't mind because that's when he said he would be returning. Although I got the rage when he continually rang the door bell until I answered the door but thats another AIBU.

Sleep is precious to me atm with a non sleeping ds. Every night he wakes up pretty much every 60-90mins from 8.30pm (ds bedtime) which is killing me but dh doesn't help as he says he has to work 8-5 every day.

Of course he can go out whenever he wants as he has done since ds was born. In 8 months hes had numerous nights out, meals out, cinema trips and two 1week holidays with friends. I'm breastfeeding a bottle refuser so have stayed home. I dont want to sound like a controlling wife because im not.

SayraT Thu 27-Feb-14 08:24:45

Where I live I would just leave the door unlocked but if you don't live in such a quiet place then maybe that isn't safe.

If it was the other way round and you had lost your key you would want your DH to open the door for you!

Cluffyflump Thu 27-Feb-14 08:17:30

Why does he snoop?

peggyundercrackers Thu 27-Feb-14 08:15:47

If you don't get up don't be mad if he breaks a window or kicks the door in to get back in his house... Loosing keys happens, it's called life!

I agree that if he's not back by 12.30am you should tell him to sleep elsewhere, but YABVU not to get up and let him in to get ready for work. 6.30am really isn't that early.

WooWooOwl Thu 27-Feb-14 08:12:18

I think you're being quite horrible. I can understand you not wanting to be woken in the middle of the night, so saying that if he's not in by half midnight then he should stay elsewhere is reasonable, but to say that you won't get up at 6.30 as well is just taking it to the extreme.

6.30 is a perfectly reasonable time to be awake.

notso Thu 27-Feb-14 08:10:23

YABU I do this for DH quite often and I'd expect him to do the same for me.

I can see why you are annoyed, your tired, you have a baby, maybe you would like to be the one going out. DH did this once when DC4 was three weeks old, he had told me he would be in at midnight he got in at four. I was pissed off at the time but it was no big deal once I got up in the morning.

CoffeeTea103 Thu 27-Feb-14 08:03:06

Ffs just leave the key under the Mat or you should have found the spare key. What spiteful replies you sent him. Yabu and very childish.

KiwiBanana Thu 27-Feb-14 08:01:23

I'd be a bit miffed if my DP had that attitude towards me tbh. Is he being a bit of a dick and you're feeling resentful towards him? I can kind of understand if that is the case but otherwise I would try and find his key and leave it hidden outside for him. It's annoying but it's just one of them things.

whattoWHO Thu 27-Feb-14 07:56:12

There may be a back story to this.
But personally, I'd wait up for my DH. And he'd wait up for me in the same circumstances.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Thu 27-Feb-14 07:50:30

Actually, my mistake - he will be home at 0030 if he gets a lift at 1130, otherwise he has no idea when he'll be back.

OP is prepared to let him in at 0030 but not later.

They are out drinking so I assume that the DH could have got a taxi or something.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Thu 27-Feb-14 07:47:27

Surely the point is that the OP is ok to get up and let him in at 1130 but not at 0030? And since the DH has the option to get home at 1130, this seems pretty fair.

bleedingheart Thu 27-Feb-14 07:46:01

6:30 isn't that early and I say that as someone who hasn't had a full nights sleep for six years.

A bit of compromise now and then. Imagine you lose your key in the next week or so and he has to come home from work to let you in...

Don't burn bridges over little things. Unless he does this regularly, then I understand the hostility radiating from your post.

TeaOneSugar Thu 27-Feb-14 07:45:02

I'd have hidden the key outside for him, don't see the need for all the drama tbh.

Mycatistoosexy Thu 27-Feb-14 07:38:39

I'd be a bit worried leaving a key out when I'm home alone with young DC. Maybe I've lived in too rough areas.

Morloth Thu 27-Feb-14 07:36:16

Context is everything.

If he has form for this my answer is YANBU.

If he doesn't then YABU.

Jaynebxl Thu 27-Feb-14 07:30:04

Is this a regular occurrence? If not then maybe just accept he is allowed to have the odd night out, as are you, and it needn't be the end of the world if he needs a key leaving. If it is a regular thing then that's a whole other matter that you need to discuss with him if you're not happy.

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