To un-invite aunt

(43 Posts)
OhThePlacesYoullGo Wed 26-Feb-14 21:44:41

DP and I are getting married in May and neither of us are keen on the whole 'puffy dress, matching bridesmaids and stately home' thing. Not a church wedding, and we are just having a party at a (quite pretty) nearby pub after for friends and family - complete with pub quiz.

Everyone is excited for us including soon-to-officially-be PIL. DP's family is quite traditional though and one of his aunts has kicked up a fuss and actually called him to say that she didn't think I should 'ruin' 'his wedding' (amazing!!) like this and that since I'm not even bringing any family and his family offered to pay, I shouldn't really get a say anyway.

I am quite frankly fuming and don't want her to come anymore. It's just a lovely day with our friends and everyone who matters to celebrate our marriage - I don't really want her raining on our parade.

wishingchair Thu 27-Feb-14 11:10:42

I would not uninvite. You will lose the moral high ground if you do.

I'd instead take great pleasure at presenting her with a pint and a bag of crisps when she arrives!

BillyNotQuiteNoMates Thu 27-Feb-14 10:57:18

I'd let DP deal with it, she's HIS aunt. Hopefully she'll come to the wedding and realise that it was just perfect for YOU and DH. If she doesn't like the sound of it then she doesn't need to show her face. Possibly, lovely PIL could have a quiet word with her, if you are worried that she will spout off on the day. And daft guests make for great anecdotes afterwards - well behaved ones never get a mention! grin
Congratulations, btw [champagne]

ReadyToPopAndFresh Thu 27-Feb-14 10:54:16

you are right some people just get over invested and think they are so important to have an opinion, you have a wedding you invite people if they come they come

Not just an opinion...but more of an opinion that the bride confused as the aunt doesn't even think the op should have say! shock

what is wrong with people

SlightlyDampWellies Thu 27-Feb-14 10:52:20

I have nothing to add except that your wedding sounds like my perfect wedding- as a guest and as a bride. [sigh]

Fakebook Thu 27-Feb-14 10:50:05

MrsJay, I know! Should've placed it on a red velvet cushion right inside a spiralling dog poo wink.

harryhausen Thu 27-Feb-14 10:06:17

I had a civil ceremony about 10 years ago. My MIL spend the whole day commenting on the fact she was so shocked that I had a proper wedding dress as she was expecting me to just but a normal white dress from debenhams etc because it wasn't a 'normal' wedding.

(I had a pretty un-flouncy plainish corseted wedding dress).

Me and DH paid for most of the wedding, including a reportage photographer that we loved. We didn't do any formal family shots as such. MIL hated all the photos and refuses to have any of our wedding in the house.

Mind you, my own mother was too impressed with our wedding either but that's another story!

It's an invitation not a summons. People don't have to attend if they disagree and similarly you don't have to invite them.

I bet she has form. People don't often become mad aul bats because of a wedding, she will have previous. Either way she is not your family therefore not your problem.

mrsjay Thu 27-Feb-14 09:54:07

Fakebook you should have hired a messanger to hand it to M'lady that was bad form grin

soapnuts Thu 27-Feb-14 09:52:13

My grandmother came to our unconventional wedding and spent the whole time while we were taking photos repeating (as if nobody had heard her the first time) "But it's not a REAL wedding."..... Everyone ignored her and people still talk about how it was the most enjoyable wedding they have been to. You can't please everyone! Still glad she came though and if you univite you'll probably have major repercussions for years to come - if you let her come and show her what a good time really is, hopefully she won't spend the rest of her life moaning about how you uninvited her. Your wedding sounds great btw!

Fakebook Thu 27-Feb-14 09:50:51

I was phoned up by my aunt and told that she wasn't going to come to my wedding because I didn't go and hand deliver my invitation card to her and that's disrespectful and rude. She phoned me the night before. I told her I couldn't believe she was saying this to me the day before my wedding and put the phone down on her. Funny thing is she still came though, the stupid cow.

Ignore her and let her stew. It's your wedding day, just enjoy it!

mrsjay Thu 27-Feb-14 09:44:43

Burren you are right some people just get over invested and think they are so important to have an opinion, you have a wedding you invite people if they come they come

Burren Thu 27-Feb-14 09:41:44

People get bizarrely over-invested in other people's weddings, don't they? We just went to the local registry office in jeans with our witnesses, and you'd think from some of my now-ILs's responses that we had pulled down our pants and shat all over the institution of marriage. (Though actually it was more a 'you cheated us out of Our Big Day Out' thing.) and yes, the assumption was that my partner had wanted a 'normal' wedding (white dress, church, 200 plus guests, chicken or beef in a hotel function room, smutty best man speech etc etc).

The aunt sounds appalling. Don't uninvited her, put her to work - make her be the pub quiz quizmaster.

I had an aunt do this. We are both from massive families and decided we wanted a small wedding. The only way to prevent them all turning up anyway was to marry abroad. When it came to the invite we pulled names out of a hat to invite a representative from each family.

Bitch aunt had a fit, called us an embarrassment, demanded a "proper, big, Irish wedding" (our 'must invite' list was 427 if we married at home), shouted at my parents, shouted at me; the full on toddler tantrum.

When we drew names from a hat she unfortunately did not make it in to the hat.

Fast forward 5 years or so and her PFB got married "in a beautiful ceremony"...abroad with a few witnesses. hypocritical fucker

Ignore her OP. She appears to have forgotten that a wedding which is not hers is none of her business.

YouAreTalkingRubbish Thu 27-Feb-14 09:38:08

I would try and not give it anymore thought. I would tell your DH to be to deal with it however he fancies but you are not fussed. Having a crabby aunt at the wedding won't ruin and neither will her absence matter.

Btw, your wedding sounds perfect. I hope you have a wonderful day. thanks

thegreatgatsby101 Thu 27-Feb-14 09:33:20

Sounds like a great wedding - can I come?!

wyldchyld Thu 27-Feb-14 09:31:25

My stbMIL's first comment when we announced our engagement was "is her family paying for it?" They're loaded, we're paying ourselves as my parents are not, had no support (monetary of other).

Family is messed up. Invite or don't - it's your wedding, you and DP.

ReadyToPopAndFresh Thu 27-Feb-14 09:31:15

I think you should invite her and "hire" some of your friends to play interference and point and whisper and laugh at her.

But I'm kind of a bitch that way. What do your PIL think about it? MAybe if they are nice you can mention it to them and see if they can shut her up or tell you themselves not to invite her

Stinklebell Thu 27-Feb-14 09:27:53

Is she likely to make more fuss that it's worth if you do uninvite her? If not, then do it.

We had a slightly unconventional (by the in-laws standards) wedding - booked thenlatest ceremony we could have, invited everyone (no evening guests) stuck up a marquee in a friends field, had hog roast and a band and doled out booze on tap - most of my inlaws hated it as it wasn't a 'traditional' wedding. I wish we'd uninvited the worst of the moaners now as they were a bloody nuisance

SingMoreWhenYoureWinning Thu 27-Feb-14 09:25:33

I wouldn't uninvite.

It's likely to cause more stress and arguements than just putting up with her at the wedding.

The good thing about weddings is everyone wants a piece of you, so you can just mingle and try to ignore her without it being obvious.

mrsjay Thu 27-Feb-14 09:20:29

my soon to be MILs friend my dhs godmother said she wasn't sure we would be really married because we had a registry office wedding , I was fuming but still invited the old bat her just because she was the closest thing MIL had to family but god why do people poke their noses in, invite the aunt tell her she is very welcome to come if she wants and then leave it dont give her the power to say OH I WASNT invited blah blah,

your wedding sounds lovely

harryhausen Thu 27-Feb-14 09:15:56

Blimey Fatowl, that MIL attitude sounds awful. I suspect it was a bit therapeutic to write it all down though. I honestly don't know why people make their own lives so hard and cold with such attitudes.

Ohtheplaces, your wedding sounds absolutely lovely and it's the sort of do I'd genuinely have fun attending. Don't uninvite the Aunt. Just stand your ground, stuff her attitude and let her get on with it. She'll secretly think it's a great do afterwards I'll bet.

OhThePlacesYoullGo Wed 26-Feb-14 23:30:00

Your MiL sounds hideous. I guess I am lucky it's just an aunt. Still mad though. Maybe I'll be more chilled about it by tomorrow. But grrr what a cow.

fatowl Wed 26-Feb-14 23:16:33

Sorry hijack OP- but your dh's aunt sound like my MIL

When I got married (24 years ago!) it was quite traditional-but on the cheap. (dress "run up" by a local dressmaker, homemade invitations, cheap venue, homemade buffet, all my relations were happy to bring a plate) My parents paid, but they are not loaded and set a budget and we stuck to it. I was 22, dh was 23.
MIL had a catsbum face the whole time. It was traditional for my parents pay, so she let them (she only paid for the cars- because that's what the etiquette books said the grooms parents pay for). She wanted to have the reception at this very naice hotel which was well out of our budget. She was appalled that I contacted the bride getting married immediately after me at the church to split the cost/agree on colours of flowers at the church.
Breaking point came when rather than waste money on morning suit hire, dh went and bought a new suit that he would be able to wear to work afterwards, for the same money. He was letting her down, and to remember it was "his wedding too", and she has never got over it.

23 years, 3 kids later, she still thinks he married beneath him, has no interest in our dds. Would have been different if we'd had a ds I think, dh is the last one with our surname, she is always lamenting how the name will "die with him".

She spends so much time bigging up their family - dh was brought up thinking they were upper middle class (tea and cucumber sandwiches - the whole thing), and such a huge deal is made of "Family", I am not "family". DD1 is now she's 18. DH did some family history research- go back 3 generations and they are all coal miners and labourers. He even found a direct ancestor listed on the census as a "pauper" plus someone who was sentenced to hard labour for petty theft. MIL refused to believe him.

When dd1 got into her first choice uni, dh phoned to tell her, and all he got from her was "you should have gone to Cambridge, you should have done better etc etc" (Dh did get an offer from Cambridge but didn't get the grades- she's never got over that either )

I have a senior volunteer role and met a senior royal last year, she had a catsbum face about that too. Keeps going on and on and on about her 'lovely" neighbour who did a similar role for a few years in the 1970s (I've never met neighbour)

We do actually quite enjoy being a disappointment. DH is now fairly near the top of his profession at 44, dds are doing well (one at uni, dd2 doing GCSEs this year etc), I'm back at college doing teacher training, nice house - we like to predict where we will disappoint next - it's MIL bingo.

Sorry to hijack OP- I hope you have a lovely wedding!

OhThePlacesYoullGo Wed 26-Feb-14 22:34:00

From where I am standing they are all rich. (Like all kids go to boarding school where dad and grandpa went and we are going 'to the country', i.e. the second/third homes). She is FiL's sister. Don't really know her well though.

Like the amateur psychology though.

Tell her you've seen the light, you've scrapped the pub idea, and your wedding will now consist of a charabanc ride to the seaside for jellied eels all round.

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