To un-invite aunt

(43 Posts)
OhThePlacesYoullGo Wed 26-Feb-14 21:44:41

DP and I are getting married in May and neither of us are keen on the whole 'puffy dress, matching bridesmaids and stately home' thing. Not a church wedding, and we are just having a party at a (quite pretty) nearby pub after for friends and family - complete with pub quiz.

Everyone is excited for us including soon-to-officially-be PIL. DP's family is quite traditional though and one of his aunts has kicked up a fuss and actually called him to say that she didn't think I should 'ruin' 'his wedding' (amazing!!) like this and that since I'm not even bringing any family and his family offered to pay, I shouldn't really get a say anyway.

I am quite frankly fuming and don't want her to come anymore. It's just a lovely day with our friends and everyone who matters to celebrate our marriage - I don't really want her raining on our parade.

MichonnesSamuraiSword Wed 26-Feb-14 21:50:52

Your wedding sounds lovely just my cup of tea!

I wouldn't want the aunt there either 'His' wedding indeed! Would it cause a big fallout if you uninvited her?

What does your StbDH think of it? How about his parents?

LineRunner Wed 26-Feb-14 21:53:47

She sounds like a twat but you have to weigh up the potential fallout caused by uninviting her against the comedic misery of having her there.

Can't you just take the piss put of her all day? Or better still, ignore her.

OhThePlacesYoullGo Wed 26-Feb-14 21:55:02

DP told her she is being rude and that he is not talking about this anymore and then hung up. He thinks she is being ridiculous, but that she'll calm down and that she is lovely really, so I should give her time to come around. hmm

ENormaSnob Wed 26-Feb-14 21:55:39

Uninvite the stupid cow

MichonnesSamuraiSword Wed 26-Feb-14 22:03:01

It might be more hassle and stress than it's worth to un-invite her.

If you can handle that, then no you wouldn't be unreasonable at all to do so. But if you want an easy life, I suggest you just let her come and ignore the bitch all day.

parakeet Wed 26-Feb-14 22:05:47

Surely it will be lovely revenge to see her sulky face and know she is disapproving of everything? I would get a kick out of it.

Take the moral high ground and ignore. You know you have your DP's support on this at least.

WooWooOwl Wed 26-Feb-14 22:06:13

If it's your DPs side of the family, I think it has to be up to him whether she is uninvited or not.

If you have sent out invitations it would be incredibly rude to uninvite, but if you haven't properly invited anyone yet then it would be ok not to invite her in the first place, as long as that's what your DP wants.

DejaVuAllOverAgain Wed 26-Feb-14 22:08:06

His wedding? There was me thinking it was two people who got married hmm

Personally I'd still invite her but ignore her all day, if possible.

LineRunner Wed 26-Feb-14 22:08:41

And make sure all the pub quiz questions are bound to offend her.

ManifestoMT Wed 26-Feb-14 22:14:56

Is she married. I was thinking she may have over invested in the idea of an ideal wedding without realising what an expensive rigmarole it is.

ZeroSomeGameThingy Wed 26-Feb-14 22:17:19

Ah go on, make sure she attends. Take the opportunity to get to know her and let her get to know you. Each of you may be pleasantly surprised. And - if you really don't have much in the way of family yourself she might even feel inclined to take you under her wing and make you her special projectgrin

I'm sure she's already ashamed of her outburst....

OhThePlacesYoullGo Wed 26-Feb-14 22:20:45

Manifesto, no I think THAT is exactly the problem. DPs family live in a different world. They are ridiculously well off and money does not matter. It was a massive culture shock for me at first, but have gotten used to it. Like I said PIL are lovely and DP isn't like that at all even though he grew up in a complete bubble. I think aunt thinks our wedding plans show that I am dragging him down or something.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Wed 26-Feb-14 22:22:53

Can I come in her place? I love pub quizzes grin

LineRunner Wed 26-Feb-14 22:23:29

Lots of questions on Downton Abbey, then.

OhThePlacesYoullGo Wed 26-Feb-14 22:24:07

Sure thing Puds. smile So do we. I've always wanted to go on University Challenge...

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Wed 26-Feb-14 22:25:49

YEY! I'll bring some pickled eggs smile

Not sure I'd qualify for UC blush

ManifestoMT Wed 26-Feb-14 22:28:42

So the next question in my cod psycology is she married into the family or actually from the monied side.

As if she is married in is she from a poor background so has a huge chip on her shoulder and a deep seated insecurity complex???

Taps nose and twirls moustache .
Or ...... She is just a bitch

Tell her you've seen the light, you've scrapped the pub idea, and your wedding will now consist of a charabanc ride to the seaside for jellied eels all round.

OhThePlacesYoullGo Wed 26-Feb-14 22:34:00

From where I am standing they are all rich. (Like all kids go to boarding school where dad and grandpa went and we are going 'to the country', i.e. the second/third homes). She is FiL's sister. Don't really know her well though.

Like the amateur psychology though.

fatowl Wed 26-Feb-14 23:16:33

Sorry hijack OP- but your dh's aunt sound like my MIL

When I got married (24 years ago!) it was quite traditional-but on the cheap. (dress "run up" by a local dressmaker, homemade invitations, cheap venue, homemade buffet, all my relations were happy to bring a plate) My parents paid, but they are not loaded and set a budget and we stuck to it. I was 22, dh was 23.
MIL had a catsbum face the whole time. It was traditional for my parents pay, so she let them (she only paid for the cars- because that's what the etiquette books said the grooms parents pay for). She wanted to have the reception at this very naice hotel which was well out of our budget. She was appalled that I contacted the bride getting married immediately after me at the church to split the cost/agree on colours of flowers at the church.
Breaking point came when rather than waste money on morning suit hire, dh went and bought a new suit that he would be able to wear to work afterwards, for the same money. He was letting her down, and to remember it was "his wedding too", and she has never got over it.

23 years, 3 kids later, she still thinks he married beneath him, has no interest in our dds. Would have been different if we'd had a ds I think, dh is the last one with our surname, she is always lamenting how the name will "die with him".

She spends so much time bigging up their family - dh was brought up thinking they were upper middle class (tea and cucumber sandwiches - the whole thing), and such a huge deal is made of "Family", I am not "family". DD1 is now she's 18. DH did some family history research- go back 3 generations and they are all coal miners and labourers. He even found a direct ancestor listed on the census as a "pauper" plus someone who was sentenced to hard labour for petty theft. MIL refused to believe him.

When dd1 got into her first choice uni, dh phoned to tell her, and all he got from her was "you should have gone to Cambridge, you should have done better etc etc" (Dh did get an offer from Cambridge but didn't get the grades- she's never got over that either )

I have a senior volunteer role and met a senior royal last year, she had a catsbum face about that too. Keeps going on and on and on about her 'lovely" neighbour who did a similar role for a few years in the 1970s (I've never met neighbour)

We do actually quite enjoy being a disappointment. DH is now fairly near the top of his profession at 44, dds are doing well (one at uni, dd2 doing GCSEs this year etc), I'm back at college doing teacher training, nice house - we like to predict where we will disappoint next - it's MIL bingo.

Sorry to hijack OP- I hope you have a lovely wedding!

OhThePlacesYoullGo Wed 26-Feb-14 23:30:00

Your MiL sounds hideous. I guess I am lucky it's just an aunt. Still mad though. Maybe I'll be more chilled about it by tomorrow. But grrr what a cow.

harryhausen Thu 27-Feb-14 09:15:56

Blimey Fatowl, that MIL attitude sounds awful. I suspect it was a bit therapeutic to write it all down though. I honestly don't know why people make their own lives so hard and cold with such attitudes.

Ohtheplaces, your wedding sounds absolutely lovely and it's the sort of do I'd genuinely have fun attending. Don't uninvite the Aunt. Just stand your ground, stuff her attitude and let her get on with it. She'll secretly think it's a great do afterwards I'll bet.

mrsjay Thu 27-Feb-14 09:20:29

my soon to be MILs friend my dhs godmother said she wasn't sure we would be really married because we had a registry office wedding , I was fuming but still invited the old bat her just because she was the closest thing MIL had to family but god why do people poke their noses in, invite the aunt tell her she is very welcome to come if she wants and then leave it dont give her the power to say OH I WASNT invited blah blah,

your wedding sounds lovely

SingMoreWhenYoureWinning Thu 27-Feb-14 09:25:33

I wouldn't uninvite.

It's likely to cause more stress and arguements than just putting up with her at the wedding.

The good thing about weddings is everyone wants a piece of you, so you can just mingle and try to ignore her without it being obvious.

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