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AIBU?????? Because I am FUMING.

(143 Posts)
BritishGal Wed 26-Feb-14 13:10:28

I have NC for this.
Partner and I live separately. It's been a rocky couple of years for one reason and another so recently we decided to slow things down a bit and concentrate on making each other feel secure.

Yesterday he rings and mentions that he's going out with 'the boys, for a bit'. Says it won't be late, we can chat later, etc. My prediction is late and drunk. He refutes this, especially the drunk bit. I don't mind either way.

I go to bed early and text goodnight. He replies.

I wake to a text message sent at 5am. I reply saying late night then?!

When we speak, it turns out that after staying out all night, a whole load of them went back to his place for an impromptu party (absolutely unheard of before, he doesn't particularly like people round). Gallons of alcohol consumed, everyone falling asleep all over the place, including three random girls. WTAF?!? At this point I virtually hung up. His defence consisted entirely of "no-one slept in my bed but me" (again WTF???!!!) and "I didn't do anything wrong" - which I don't doubt. However to me having random, drunk girls sleeping in your house when you have a GF is not on. Or maybe it would be if it was planned and I knew about it - but seriously - when things are as they are I cannot understand how he thought it OK for this to happen. What if they had tried something on? Would he have allowed them to sleep in his bed if they had wanted to? I already feel excluded from his life where he lives and the fact that he can be doing this on any given night of the week does NOT help that.

I am really upset and angry and hurt - but if I'm being an unreasonable cow then please don't hold back dear mumsnetters!

Hullygully Wed 26-Feb-14 13:12:05

How old are you both?

If he is under 25 it's possibly understandable.

natwebb79 Wed 26-Feb-14 13:12:41

Sounds like the problem is that you don't trust him very much! Was it just him and a bunch of girls? If not, what's the problem? I think your problems with him lie deeper than this one night to be honest.

WowserBowser Portugal Wed 26-Feb-14 13:13:31

I don't think yabu but i don't really understand why you are with him? Doesn't sound like a great relationship.

How old is he?

Famzilla Wed 26-Feb-14 13:13:31

Has he ever given you reason to not trust him?

Doesn't sound like the sort of partner I'd want once I'd made it out of my teenager years tbh.

UnicornCrisps Wed 26-Feb-14 13:14:19

When you say random were they strangers they picked up or friends?

Edendance Wed 26-Feb-14 13:14:43

I'm not really sure why this is a problem tbh. You live seperately and as long as nothing happened- he didn't cheat then why are you cross? Sounds like there's a lot more problems there

Fontofnowt Wed 26-Feb-14 13:15:12

I agree with Hully if you are youngsters and it's the norm in your circles then fine but if you're 45 it's a bit odd.

TheBeautifulVisit Wed 26-Feb-14 13:15:24

YABU

You sound controlling.

shakinstevenslovechild Wed 26-Feb-14 13:15:38

On this issue I do think YABU, he went on a night out, had a few friends back and had a bit of a party, it isn't unusual.

I think there is a lot more to this than you have written here though, so your reaction might be understandable.

BumpyGrindy Wed 26-Feb-14 13:15:57

The issue here is not that he is having a social life but that you seem to want more commitment from him and it's not forthcoming.

UnicornCrisps Wed 26-Feb-14 13:16:12

It’s not so much the sleepover as the going out and drunkenly picking up girls to invite back home that is out of order imo. If they were mates then it’s not so much of an issue.

whatsthatcomingoverthehill Wed 26-Feb-14 13:16:48

It's not unreasonable to be upset by his behaviour but it's up to him what he does. If he wants to go out and get pissed then that's down to him. If you don't want to be with someone who does that then end it.

WowserBowser Portugal Wed 26-Feb-14 13:17:01

My dh recently went on a work night out and missed his train home. He ended up staying in an apartment his colleagues had for the night. Some of them were women.

Didn't bother me, i trust him. It just seems like you are unhappy in general though.

LouiseAderyn Wed 26-Feb-14 13:17:28

I think the problem here is that you are not living together as a couple, but you are not single either.

I don't think you are u - I would not like this either, primarily because I think getting wasted and crashing out with strangers is immature and man children bug the fuck out of me.

As for the potential cheating, I think that if he is the kind of man who could shag someone else on a whim ( drunk or otherwise) then you deserve better.

I think a talk is in order about where you both see this relationship heading. It can only work if you both want the same things and that needs clarifying and ground rules put in place that you both agree to.

If you live separately I think YABU, you can't have a say over who stays at his place.

eightandthreequarters Wed 26-Feb-14 13:18:25

Well, you made the right decision to separate. Make it official.

Ginnytonic82 Wed 26-Feb-14 13:18:28

Did the girls not go back with his friends?

LoopyDoopyDoo Wed 26-Feb-14 13:18:30

Sounds fun confused

JackyDanny Wed 26-Feb-14 13:19:24

If the shoe was on the other foot, and you went for drinks, got smashed and ended up partying with friends and three guys you picked up, would that be ok?

JackyDanny Wed 26-Feb-14 13:20:03

Would he be ok with that I mean

WooWooOwl Iran Wed 26-Feb-14 13:21:12

The problem isn't the girls, it's that you don't trust him.

I remember a few nights out ending like this when I was younger, there's no real need for it to be a problem unless you have other issues. Which you do, so concentrate on those.

pictish Wed 26-Feb-14 13:23:00

Hmmm...when I think of how many impromptu after pub/club house parties I have ended up at with various mates (male and female), sometimes crashing over there after falling asleep, I can only shrug at this.
It wasn't about anything other than carrying the good times on, the company, and continuing to drink.

I can think of a few occasions where the male host had a gf somewhere or other. I didn't think anything of it, or her, because there was nothing untoward going on.

Based on that experience I think yabu.

SarahBumBarer Wed 26-Feb-14 13:23:25

What does "slow things down a bit" mean? Why was there a need to make each other feel more secure?

The above comments indicate that there is more to this than is immediately obvious and you are probably not BU.

YABU.

He had a party, loads of people went back to his and they all partied then passed out. He slept alone in his bed. You don't doubt this.

What is the problem?

You don't trust him.
You think that if a woman comes on to him he hasn't the ability to say no.

Unhealthy relationship.

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