AIBU to be pissed off at friend not helping me with job application?

[ProcrastinationIsMyMiddleName]

I have an interview for a very exciting new job.

When the job advert came up, I immediately emailed it to one of my close friends who actually did the job of my potential future boss, but when she applied for a promotion, she didn't get it and left the company.

She initially didn't respond to my email, and then when prompted, was extremely negative. She told me that I would hate the job, it's not what I want, and launched into a rant about how badly they treated her over the promotion.

I applied anyway, and I now have an interview. I wasn't going to mention it to the negative friend, since she had been so unsupportive. However, it then occurred to me that in having a friend who has actually done this job, I have a huge advantage over anyone else and I really should try and tap into her knowledge a bit more.

So I sent her a message on Facebook to tell her that I have an interview (hooray!) and told her I hoped she might be able to give me some pointers, and insider knowledge about the company etc.

I had no reply from her, despite seeing that she has since been active on Facebook. I know sometimes Facebook messaging isn't always the most reliable so I sent her an email yesterday. No reply.

I realize I might be a little insensitive here though, since my friend is clearly still feeling bitter about not getting the job promotion (18 months ago) and might not want reminding of it, and hearing about the lady who did get the job might sting a little. I should add though that she subsequently got a really good job, claimed she never really wanted the first job anyway, and really ought to be happy with her lot.

A bit of background on our friendship - we have been friends for 9 years, having worked together previously. We moved apart physically as I took another job and moved city, but we have always stayed in close contact. I saw her recently at a mutual friend's wedding, so it's not as if we are no longer close. Her career is progressing better than mine, so it's not as if she should be jealous of me at all.

So, do I persevere since she really could help me a lot and her insight will give me a huge advantage over the other applicants? (I should add that this job is a rare opportunity, and I really want it badly.)

Or do I give up on her, and accept that I might have been insensitive to have asked in the first place?

[Swanbridge]

She doesn't want to help you. Whether she has good reasons or not, she doesn't want to. To continue to pester her to do so is rude and unreasonable. Don't.

[Morgause]

Leave it be, if she wanted to help she would have done the first time you asked.

[AMumInScotland]

I think she's made it clear she doesn't want to be involved, whatever her reasons, so 'persevering' is only going to put her back up.

It sounds like she is still very hurt and bitter about the whole business. The 'didn't want it anyway' line is just a way of distancing herself from the hurt.

Best leave it there, she's not going to get involved.

[Morloth]

Sounds like she already has given you her 'insider knowledge'.

Just because it is negative doesn't make itless vvaluable.

I would leave it and not ask her again.

[NoArmaniNoPunani]

If you're the right person for the job you'll get it without your friend's help.
YABU to pester her

[shakinstevenslovechild]

I think you were pretty insensitive tbh.

You emailed her, she ignored it, and then you followed it up with a call where she made her feelings about the company clear, and then you continued to message her about it, when she couldn't really have been any clearer about not wanting to help.

Good luck with your interview

[ProcrastinationIsMyMiddleName]

You're right, I know.

But she's a good friend (or at least I thought she was), I thought she would be pleased for me, and I have helped her out a LOT in the past on personal issues.

I consider it a bit shit to be honest. I think she will probably reply eventually with some non-committal fluff, she won't ignore me forever.

To be honest, she's the sort of person who, if she did help me, would throw that back in my face in a "don't forget who helped you get that job" kind of way - so it would be good to do it without her.

Trouble is I could really use her help - I think there will be a lot of competition for this post, and I could have a massive advantage over anyone else knowing someone who has actually done this job.

[LessMissAbs]

Can you not take a hint?

Just get the job on your own merits, work on your application yourself, and stop obsessing about this.

[ProcrastinationIsMyMiddleName]

Thanks everyone, knew I'd get a good reality check here!

I don't intend to contact her about it again. I just feel hurt.

She holds the cards, she knows this, and she's choosing not to help a friend.

It hurts when you finally see a friend for what she is.

[shewhowines]

YWBU to pursue it. She has made her feelings clear.

But it would change my feelings towards her. She's not been much of a friend, has she?
Even if she was to say "I don't think you would be happy there but if you insist then... "

[Littlefish]

She obviously feels very bitter that she didn't get the promotion. I doubt therefore that any information you get from her will be unbiased.

You really need to just leave it.

No matter how good a friend she is/was, you need to respect her decision. I think you are being a little insensitive to her feelings about her previous employer.

[Littlefish]

I don't think that she's choosing not to help you.

I think her "help" may actually be unhelpful to you, given her obvious feelings about the company.

[TiredFeet]

The interview should be about you and how well you could do the job, not about what insider info /gossip you have.

And if she didn't end on a good note do you really want her advice/ want to be linked to her?

[ProcrastinationIsMyMiddleName]

Yes I probably was insensitive.

The boss of the job I have applied for got the job that she applied for. So me asking about that woman's role must sting her.

She was just so negative and discouraging when we initially discussed it. She really upset me.

I thought she would be happy for me to finally get this opportunity - our careers have followed a similar path, but I got left behind for personal reasons, while hers has gone from strength to strength. I have longed for this opportunity to get a foot back on the ladder - and she knows all this. I just thought she would be pleased for me.

Lesson learned.

[Burren]

I'm going to go against the grain and say to phone her and ask her directly. It sounds as if she isn't much of a friend these days, so you should focus on researching the job, and her knowledge is the obvious route to go. (I appreciate she may still feel bitter about being passed over for promotion, but a quick message to say so would be the adult thing to do.) Don't let someone else's issue stand in your way to putting yourself in the best possible position to be hired, if you really want this job.

[jacks365]

Are you being a good friend by pestering someone who obviously still hurts over the situation.

[ProcrastinationIsMyMiddleName]

The interview should be about you and how well you could do the job, not about what insider info /gossip you have.

Yes, I know. What I asked her was whether she could tell me more about the day to day tasks of the boss's role, since I would be assisting her - so that I could do some research on those specific tasks.

Good point about being linked to her as well. She really ended on a bad note, slagged off the company and left under a cloud. She also doesn't come across very well, despite being quite capable of the job. If I'm honest, I think it was right that she didn't get the promotion, the woman who did get it is more suitable.

The company know that I am friends with her. I hope they can see past her behaviour to see me for who I am.

[pinkdelight]

She may think she has helped you - if she dislikes that company then she's helping you by warning you off it. Granted it's not what you want to hear but it's her opinion and she's given it to you. Sounds like she thinks you'd be better off not getting the job, so may be being a good friend from her perspective. Or may just not want to 'go there'. There could be a lot more to this than you know about so leave her be and focus on your own strengths.

[gamerchick]

I probably wouldn't touch her advice with a barge poll now tbh.. if she's bitter she might unconsciously sabotage any advantage you could have had.

I know you're upset but she might she still be and you could be rubbing salt in the wounds slightly in her eyes.

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

Isn't it perfectly possible, if she lost the job and hated it, she knows she doesn't have anything useful to say?

It sounds to me as if that is what she is trying to tell you, and you just won't listen because you can't believe you won't be able to use her to get one up on the other candidates.

[ProcrastinationIsMyMiddleName]

Burren that's exactly what my DH has advised me to do. I was going to leave it after the ignored facebook message, but he encouraged me to give it one more try, after all I really really want this job and she has insider info that nobody else does.

I won't contact her again though.

Are you being a good friend by pestering someone who obviously still hurts over the situation - I didn't think one FB message and one email was pestering. Any more would be, I agree. But a message and a follow up email to say "Hey, not sure if you saw the message here it is in email" - I didnt think that was too bad.

I'm surprised she's still hurt over the situation to be honest, she has a really good job now and was never really happy in the previous role anyway. She is one of those people though who is still bitter about the way someone treated her 15 years ago, rehashing old arguments all the time - so I'm not surprised she's still carrying bitterness.

[ProcrastinationIsMyMiddleName]

I won't contact her about it again. Hopefully the next time she hears from me it will be to tell her I got the job (fingers crossed).

I just thought that someone having done the job above the one I'm applying for, might be able to say "Well these were my main tasks, so do some research on that"

[scarletforya]

Yabu.

Its obviously a bad memory for her, yet you keep bulldozing on regardless.

Leave the poor woman alone and learn to take a hint!

[PopiusTartius]

Don't be disingenuous, OP. That's not all you've done.

When you saw the advert, you emailed her.
Then you "prompted" her, whatever that means.
THEN SHE TOLD YOU WHAT SHE THOUGHT.
Then you Facebook messaged her.
Then you've emailed her again.

Just leave it FFS. She has given you her best advice, which is stay well clear. Just because you don't like that advice doesn't make her beholden to you for more.

[ProcrastinationIsMyMiddleName]

yet you keep bulldozing on regardless. I sent one facebook message and one follow up email.

I don't think that is bulldozing on.

But I take everyone's point ,and I don't intend to contact her again.

I have reassessed my friendship with her though, which I find really sad.

I genuinely thought she would be happy for me.