To be irritated by pil and their ridiculous comments?

(41 Posts)
Onelittlebugbear Wed 26-Feb-14 08:14:35

There is a back story here of pil being very interfering and possessive of ds since he was born. But it is long so I won't go into it but I guess I am possibly more annoyed by them then I would be without it.

They came over yesterday after ds had finished school and here are a selection of comments that made me grit my teeth.

Mil - ds is probably better at school than at home with you where you were spoiling him. (Ds is 4, I was a sahm until he started school)
Mil - oh well that's it now, he's growing up and won't want anything to do with you soon (guess he won't want to visit you every single weekend either then)
Mil (whilst ds was there) - one thing I've noticed is he's not very good at writing (he's 4. And he already doesn't like it. Don't say it where he can hear you. And anyway his sounding out is spot on, the handwriting granted needs work but he's 4)
FIL - I'm surprised ds has settled in at school. We thought you'd have real problems because he'd been at home with you. (Ds had been to nursery and is actually very very confident. Plus mil was a sahm and in fact has never worked ever so if they are casting judgements on me staying at home with ds then they really shouldn't)
Mil - I bet he prefers being at school where there are lots of other children to play with since he's an only child. (This month have had our first failed ivf cycle in attempt to give ds a sibling, mil knows this. And ds likes being at school or at home, being an only one does not seem to have caused him any great trauma.

So am I BU? I now just don't say anything and let it go because I've discovered that arguing with them makes no difference. Mil has never liked me stopping at home with ds I think because she's jealous. She told me she wanted me to go back to work so she could have him.

Amy106 Wed 26-Feb-14 08:19:58

YANBU. MIL sounds like quite the pita to be honest. I would not allow to say anything negative in front of ds. You need to protect him from her nasty comments.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit Wed 26-Feb-14 08:20:43

YANBU they sound vile.

Pigletin Wed 26-Feb-14 08:22:38

Where is your DP in this? He should be dealing with them and their comments, not you.

jenniuol Wed 26-Feb-14 08:22:52

Yanbu. Previous issues or not those type of comments would irritate me intensely.

puntasticusername Wed 26-Feb-14 08:24:11

Wow, they sound like absolute treasures hmm

What does your DH/DP think of all this? He ought to be protecting you and telling his parents to wind their necks in.

I agree, it seems that the negative remarks you've quoted do focus on your DS being at home with you, which would make (some twisted kind of) sense if your MIL wanted to take care of him herself.

Scrounger Wed 26-Feb-14 08:25:48

Time for DS to have after school activities and / or friends over to play so it isn't convenient for them to come over.

Boys typically develop their fine motor skills later than girls so he will get better at writing and enjoy it more as he gets less frustrated with it. I agree with you and others, they shouldn't be making those comments esp putting him down.

There you have your explanation why she is being vile. A simple, heartfelt smile from you along with the words 'if you keep being horrid to me I might not let you see DS anymore' ought to do it. Repeat every time she offends. She will get it eventually.

diddl Wed 26-Feb-14 08:32:33

"She told me she wanted me to go back to work so she could have him."

So she brought up her own son & wants to bring yours up as well??!!

I must admit that I'm a very private person & she seems (to me) to know a lot about what is going on in your lives.

Perhaps that makes her feel she is in a position to comment?

Dukketeater Wed 26-Feb-14 08:36:59

Aarrgghh INLAWS! One day we will be them and I hate the thought of it...

They are horrible comments from MIL... Just imagine yourself fly kicking her everytime thats what I do with mine...

Onelittlebugbear Wed 26-Feb-14 08:55:36

Dh is away unfortunately and they wanted to come over. Originally I was set to say no but then felt bad as they are ds's grandparents and one day I will likely be a mil too so was hoping for good karma.

However once they'd arrived I wanted them to go away! Mil is incredibly selfish and thoughtless. She only sees what she wants and has no interest in anyone else. Last time she came with me to fetch ds from school he unfortunately hugged her before me which wouldn't have mattered except she then said 'see Bug, he's not bothered about you now his nanna's here.'

Dh just laughs it off and says it's because they love ds so much but honestly it's more like ds is a possession and they want ownership! That's how it feels to me anyway. When ds was a baby she used to call herself 'mummy.' hmm I did nip that in the bud.

OneStepForwardTwoBack Wed 26-Feb-14 09:00:05

Just ignore. It gets easier to do this over time. Both my mil and mum were like this. It's their problem.

OneStepForwardTwoBack Wed 26-Feb-14 09:01:56

Lol my mil was trying to negotiate with me at 8 weeks pregnant how many days I would go back to work so I could give her the baby! I recognised at that point she was going to be a major pain (and I was right lol )

YANBU
They sound horrid. I don't think your husband is taking it seriously enough. When my MiL has attempted similar dh told her straight away.

Meerka Wed 26-Feb-14 09:09:09

She told me she wanted me to go back to work so she could have him.

Ouch.

Ok, i think you need to stop feeling bad about saying no. No matter how hard it is for your MIL to accept your son is YOURS not hers, she's allowing her comments to be really nasty.

Talk it over with your husband, is he on your side? does he understand why you're so fed up? If not, he needs to.

and then, frankly, follow workingitout's advice. Tell her flat. She can either shape up or take the consequences. And be prepared for the fall out.

But you have no obligation to take this kind of crap and some obligation not to. Because I can guarentee she'll undermine you to you son as soon as ever she gets him on his own. This may look annoying but relatively harmless atm, but it has the potential to cause real trouble in the longer term. Not saying it will, but it's got the potential.

Chocotrekkie Wed 26-Feb-14 09:11:02

Next time they ask to visit you or your oh could say

"no - I don't want my child exposed to your comments. He doesn't need to hear how he is bad at writing and I don't need your criticism about being a Sahm or him being an only child"

When oh is home he will visit you with our child.

YuccanLiederHorticulture Wed 26-Feb-14 09:22:00

what a nasty person.
Dh needs to get a grip and start being on your side. The two of you need to set a united front making it clear that you will not be seeing them as much as you have been and contact will continue to be reduced unless the nastiness stops.
Whenever she says something hurtful, say "we've introduced a rule now that if you can't say something nice don't say anything at all. It's fine to sit in silence if you can't think of something"

Nanny0gg Wed 26-Feb-14 09:31:53

Dh just laughs it off and says it's because they love ds so much

No it's not (I'm a MiL). It's because they're nasty.

He needs to pull them up on it, pronto.

diddl Wed 26-Feb-14 09:41:39

Why is it we constantly feel guilt/obligation towards people who are horrible to us?

They are rude to & about you & about your child-their own GC!!!!

If anything, your son needs protecting from them!

LoonvanBoon Wed 26-Feb-14 09:53:03

YANBU. They're being downright nasty, & your DH (based on what you say of his attitude when he is around) is sticking his head in the sand in the interests of a quiet life.

This won't get better by itself. Plan a whole series of clear, assertive phrases to cover these occasions, & use them. Let your PIL know in no uncertain terms that you don't welcome their criticism, that you know they're being nasty, & that you won't tolerate them putting down your child or undermining you.

If that doesn't stop them, don't see them without your DH. And tell him to start standing up to his parents & letting them know what is / isn't acceptable. I know that's easier said than done, but he needs to do it.

So sick of reading about men who let their wives / partners cope with THEIR difficult relatives without support, or who minimise what's going on so they don't have to be the bad guy.

Kiwiinkits Wed 26-Feb-14 09:53:18

The best way to nip it in the bud is to be straight with her. Your DH doesn't need to fight your battles, you're a grown up, you can stand up for yourself.

Practice this sentence. "[MIL's first name], that's not very nice and I'm offended. Did you mean it to sound that way?"

Kiwiinkits Wed 26-Feb-14 09:54:01

(YANBU, their comments are awful and would truly piss me off)

starsandmoonandback Wed 26-Feb-14 09:57:22

Oh one. How insensitive of them. In so many ways. I agree to say something to them about not being welcome if all they can do is put you down. Explain it's not a good example of social behaviour for your son to be learning!! Your dh should be supporting you more too, but I know my dh can hear no wrong about his DM, to my frustration sometimes.

Hugs x

ROARmeow Wed 26-Feb-14 09:58:24

They sound very insecure and try to 'outdo' you to make themselves feel important.

The comment about your DS being an only child while knowing you were having fertility treatment was cruel. sad

YANBU.

capsium Wed 26-Feb-14 09:59:36

Don't engage with them. They are obviously spouting nonsense and it does not come from a good place.

Maybe they feel threatened now that you and their son have a child together. Uh oh, they really aren't the most important thing in their son's life!

They'll probably get sick of this, something else will come along for them to poke their moses into.

Just don't engage, don't take any notice. Be polite, change the subject, leave the room to make tea or something. Avoid, avoid, avoid would be my advice. Don't give this behaviour any more attention than it deserves, which is none.

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