To think its weird to refer to your partners parents as in-laws?

(77 Posts)
montgomerymadison Wed 26-Feb-14 00:42:09

My colleague has been with a guy for one year. They are not engaged, nor do they live together yet she refers to his parents as the in-laws. His parents also live a few hours away so it's not as if she sees them frequently.

I'd understand in more long term relationships where you've lived together and had children and for whatever reason not been married to call partners parents in laws then.

Aibu to think the first however is rather odd?

I felt really honoured when my DP's Dad referred to me as his DD-In-Law, he was a lovely man and it was whilst I was helping care for him in the last stages of Cancer.

I didn't live with my DP, we are in our 40's and settled in our respective, close by, homes.

We were partners, though, in every sense of the word.

The relationship that I had with his Dad, is very significant to me and one that I feel very grateful for having.

The man I called my Grandad, lived with my Nan, all if my life, that again, is a treasured relationship.

An individual has the right to define and name what the nature of the relationship is, nothing to do with anyone else, or for anyone else to question, if they don't have a vested interest and then you have to go with their wishes, anyway.

happygirl87 Sat 01-Mar-14 12:01:13

I do it. Been with DP for 7 years, lived together for 4, and getting married in Dec.Although as said up thread, I often say outlaws! He has 2 older sibling and they are both married, so we are very much seen as the three kids + three children in law when we visit- not three kids, two in law and "happy-who-is-youngest-DS's-fiancée"!

I also call his daughter DSD on here which is a massive faux pas apparently.....

whatever5 Fri 28-Feb-14 18:48:41

I agree that it's odd and I don't think I would like it someone I had been seeing for a while called my parents "in laws". I would find it a bit possessive and creepy.

MajorGrinch Fri 28-Feb-14 15:37:57

I referred to my "Mum's Partners Daughters" as my step-sisters for years before they got married because

A: It was simpler and
B: To people that knew me & my actual relationship to them I'd use their names.....

Topaz25 Fri 28-Feb-14 15:15:54

My ex fiance used to call my mother mum! Now that was awkward! She hated it! It was quite sad because his own mother was EA so maybe he was looking for a mother figure but he was also controlling and looking to push our relationship too far too fast and insinuate himself into my family.

MimiSunshine Wed 26-Feb-14 16:11:14

For some people its just easier to use the 'wrong' term for others its them trying to, as others have said, add gravitas to their relationship.

I'll never forget someone i know mentioning that her "in-laws" were picking her up for her "BILs" wedding. She was not married to the grooms brother, nor had she been with him all that long.

When said "BIL" and now "SIL" had their first baby she loudly and proudly exclaimed I'm an aunty. She still wasnt married to her BF and nor did she yet live with him. In fact several people assumed her sister had given birth, not her BF's brothers wife. hmm

Crinkle77 Wed 26-Feb-14 15:46:59

My sister has been with her partner for 15 years and they have 2 children but have never married but it's just easier to call him my brother in law than try to explain.

Twilight23 Wed 26-Feb-14 14:03:43

Yanbu. They become in-laws once you are married.

I know several women never seems to be men who call their dp's parents, in-laws. One even refers to her ex dp's parents as her ex in-laws!

hellooctober01 Wed 26-Feb-14 12:03:38

Excuse me, stupid phone hmm

I think it's just a matter of personal choice and feelings.
I call DPs parents PIL on here to save time, then 'my boyfriends parents' in real life and by their first names to their faces. I always will, because I don't actually like either of them and they think I'm the devil incarnate, even through marrying DP they won't feel any more like proper family to me, and they are HIS parents, not mine. They'll just be my husbands parents instead of my boyfriends.

As for the step parent thing, I call my DMs boyfriend of 15 years, who is my DSis' father, my stepdad in reference and by his name because it's habit, he was introduced to me by his name and I didn't want the confusion of calling him dad randomly after a few years. Collectively he and DM are my 'parents' rather than mum and stepdad because they both are. Just like my half sister is my 'sister' because she isn't half of anything to me, she's most definitely all in one piece grin

Thurlow Wed 26-Feb-14 11:56:13

YABU. We're not married, never will be, but its easier to say "in-laws" because there's nothing else to say.

hellooctober01 Wed 26-Feb-14 11:54:32

I cal

BraveLilBear Wed 26-Feb-14 11:39:45

Oo you'd love me... me and DP are not married. My partner's dad has been with his long-term partner for 20 years. They are also not married.

After many hamfisted explanations of 'we're off to see my partner's dad's girlfriend', or 'x and y, my partner's half brother and step brother' I resorted to 'my partner's stepmum' and refer to the boys as brothers in law.

DP also has a son from a previous relationship. I often refer to him as my stepson on here. He's 'partner's son' in real life - tho since we had DS it's more complicated and 'partner's other son' sounds crass.

OP YABU. It's ok to use social shortcuts.

missmartha Wed 26-Feb-14 10:56:36

My son's girl friend always calls me by my first name and introduces me as such too.

".. this is Mellissa, Jack's mum" etc.

I understand she always calls me this at work and with her friends too.

2rebecca Wed 26-Feb-14 10:46:25

Before we were married I just called them "x's parents". Why would i call them inlaws when they aren't? My exhusband's parents aren't my inlaws now, they are my ex's parents or Y's parents. Some people seem keen to pretend people are part of their family who aren't. It seems a bit insecure to me.

ebwy Wed 26-Feb-14 10:13:30

My ex-husband's parents I actually called "mill and dill" but now they're exmill and exdill.

My fiance's parents were the outlaws, but we now have no contact and I don't call them anything I'd care to repeat!

No idea what he calls my mother, tbh.

My mother's husband is not my stepdad, he's her husband but nothing to do with me

When people I don't know very well refer to their 'partner', and I don't know any detail, I tend to first think of a same-sex partner and then wonder if there's a polite way to check before I put my foot in it by saying he/she and getting it wrong.

I usually refer to my MIL as 'DH's mum' because that's how I think of her. He usually referred to mine by their first names, as that's what he called them. But talking to others, 'in-laws' is a useful generic term.

And at Dad's funeral, we agreed with the minister to refer to 'sons in law and daughter in law' even though there were only two out of three actual marriages involved.

I think you really just have to let people refer to each other by whatever term they choose - a year in, if she thinks of them as 'in laws' then that's up to her (and her chap). The depth and breadth of people's relationships is a complex minefield, only they can decide where they are in it at any given time!

CuntyBunty Wed 26-Feb-14 10:09:33

I like to mess about with my ILs, calling them "Mummy and Daddy surname". They love it.

While we are on about naming partners/ family members, at the end of the groom's speech, DH toasted me saying, " I'd like to raise a glass to Cunty, my wife, my friend, my lover" (shock). Various friends still snigger and take the piss for that one.

notso Wed 26-Feb-14 09:53:58

I hate partner it sound like your running a business not in a relationship.

I think I referred to PIL as PIL once I was pg with DD, I thought DH and I would get married soon after she was born, I didn't think I would have to wait 7 years hmm

CuntyBunty Wed 26-Feb-14 09:40:28

If people want the word "partner" to sound all long term, conventional and serious, and to have their relationship observed with the gravitas they think it deserves, why not just get married ? Don't get me wrong, I don't give a shit whether you are married or not, but if you are worrying about others perceiving the word "partner" as being less than " serious", devaluing your own relationship, then maybe the age old convention of marriage is the way to go for you winkif you want to view relationships in such conventional terms of term served equaling validity, for example?

I liked calling DH "boyfriend" for 9 long years before we got hitched.

shewhowines Wed 26-Feb-14 09:33:34

We need to invent some new words for the Oxford English Dictionary

New partner = ?
New partners parents = ?

Lottapianos Wed 26-Feb-14 09:31:58

Yes I agree that does seem a bit excessive!

mrsjay Wed 26-Feb-14 09:30:54

I suppose Lottie if people feel boyfriend is a bit teenagery then of course they should say what they are comfy with , although I have seen teenagers on facebook (dds friends) call their boyfriends PARTNERS that is weird

Lottapianos Wed 26-Feb-14 09:29:15

DP and I have been together 9 years, I think I started referring to the in laws after maybe 3-4 years together. Its just shorthand for 'my partner's mum/dad' although sometimes I do say that instead.

I guess people use 'partner' even for v short term relationships because referring to an adult as a 'boyfriend/girlfriend' makes then cringe a bit

mrsjay Wed 26-Feb-14 09:29:00

before we were married we lived together and i always said to people this is X my mil I know that is different from the OP post but it is just easier I think

RedFocus Wed 26-Feb-14 09:28:22

It's a bit of a mouthful saying 'my boyfriends parents' every time isn't it?In-laws or out-laws is perfectly fine it's not a crime grin

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