To wonder if I'm looking at my bf through rosetinted glasses?

(103 Posts)
feelingvunerable Mon 24-Feb-14 17:41:57

Ok there is a lot of background to this as I don't want to drip feed.

Please don't flame me as I have had an absolutely terrible year, am told I am constantly run down and this is affecting my health.
Was going to name change but haven't.

I am currently separated from h after being married 20 years plus together for longer. Have 3 dcs eldest 17.

h left and it has not been easy but now I am living life as a single person and moving forward in all aspects of my life.

Straight away I knew I wanted to be with someone for many reasons, not least to experience being loved and wanted by a man. sounds pathetic but my ex never put me first and it was heartbreaking having to live through that.

I have met someone and we really get on. we both felt an instant attraction and he has said he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.

He is a very honest person, telling me personal things straight away, not concealing anything.
So far so good.

My dd1 doesn't like him. She has had a terriblre time coming to terms with the breakdown of her parents marriage, even though she did ask me not to have her dad back, stating that he wasn't good enough for me (again she herself told him he didn't put me first).

The reasons she gives for not liking my boyfriend are as follows:

He is fat
He is ugly
He is arrogant
He has been married before
His daughter is expecting a baby( she is a similar age to dd1)

And he isn't good enough for me and
I am happiest when I'm with my bf, and not doing stuff with her, (her own words-not mine).

When we all go out together she likes it. Then afterwards tells me she hates him and that she much prefers the ow to my bf.
I don't recat to this as she is free to spend as much time with her dad and ow as she likes. The problem is that her dad doesn't see her much and my dd1 has cried repeatedly to me over this.

Anyway yesterday a new issue came up.

Both dds dance and spend a large amount of time at dance classes.
A lady who works at the dance studio (not a teacher) gave my dd1 a lift to a dance show and must have asked how I was and was I still with my bf. DD1 obviously told her she disliked him as the woman's response was that she found him fine but would never go out with anyone whom her dcs disliked. Convenient as her kids were tiny when she met her new partner. She then proceed to tell my dd1 (in confidence!) that a number of parents had complained that I had taken a "stranger" into the dance waiting room, who could have been a peadophile!!!

The waiting area is not the changing room and you cannot see the dance studios either. Most of the people in there are mums who have been married a long time, some dads go but they aren't in "the clique" so sit looking a bit awkward.

The woman whose kids dance there too, told my dd1 not to tell me as now that I am still with bf there isn't really a problem (obviously the mums no longer view him as a paedophile!).

My dd1 made the woman tell her more and it appears the mums who complained were concerened that my bf had been looking at some of the older girls and he had looked one of the mums up and down.

I am friends with a lot of the mums there including mums of the older girls and not one of them has said anything to me. Not one dance teacher has said anything and this woman hasn't either.
I am also friends with the woman who was alledgedly looked up and down, although it wasn't her who said anything, She has my phone number and if I've seen her she always asks how things are with me anf bf, telling me how her sister is in a similar position.

I felt physically sick after hearing this. My dd1 has now referred to my bf as a pervert and a paedophile.

I must add that I have been with my bf when ever we have collected the girls from dancing. The last time he came to a show, and wasn't in the least bit interested, he sat silently checking the rugby score whilst the competitors danced.

I haven't spoken to him about it as what the hell can I say.

I feel angry with the mums as it sin't right to talk about people this way without speaking to me if there is a real problem. Not one of them has said anything to me, infact they were all very friendly with me toi my face.

Sounds a bit ridiculous written down but I was sick with worry when dd1 told me wondering if there could be any truth it what has been suggested.

Sorry this is long.

Anonymai Mon 24-Feb-14 17:45:50

How soon did you get together?

ll31 Mon 24-Feb-14 17:52:25

DI'd u get together v soon? Tbh I think if your dd dislikes him so intensely, I'd take aaccount of that, especially if you're bringing him in to live in her and obviously breakup home. I think after breakup you should put your children

ll31 Mon 24-Feb-14 17:53:00

Put them first that is

ll31 Mon 24-Feb-14 17:53:55

Breakup home!?? Your hom

ahlahktuhflomp Mon 24-Feb-14 17:56:58

Is there anything to this that isn't slander from someone else?

It seems like your daughter hates him, some other people might not like the look of him and there is an "everyone says" or second hand account story that seems quite reminiscent of a possessive person making stuff up - most notable in the characteristic where everyone is talking about who a third party has been eyeing up... because people do that loads.

I would treat slander of bf with extreme skepticism until corroborated

MistressDeeCee Mon 24-Feb-14 17:57:03

Im sure someone will come along with an appropriate response but somehow, your DD needs to know that she is being disrespectful. To instigate rumours about you, her own mother (which is what she is doing via the comments about your bf) is truly terrible. Your ExH's new partner, no doubt, isnt subjected to the same treatment. Your DD is obviously upset you've moved on and its understandable, but you can't be cowed and live your life according to her rules - whilst always taking her into account you are actually a grown woman. You had a rotten marriage which you are free of now..is 1 form of 'control' being exchanged for another? Perhaps you were controlled in some way by ExH and now your DD has taken up that role? You do actually have the right to happiness. What do your other DCs think about all this?

What is the dynamic between your bf & DD? Is there another reason why she is so against him? Has he/could he have behaved inappropriately towards her? Think about it very honestly and you'll know the answer in your heart. Either way, whether he has done anything or not if its 'out' there that he's a paedophile & pervert then the rumour mill will have gone mad, and its going to reflect on you negatively. Sorry you are going through this, not sure what else to say at this stage...

innisglas Mon 24-Feb-14 17:57:09

Well, first of all, it is sooo completely normal for your daughter not to like your boyfriend. Small children are much more open that way.

I would talk the woman who was supposedly looked up and down, as things get changed a lot in the retelling, as in Chinese whispers.

And maybe you would be more comfortable seeing your bf away from your children (having been a single mother myself I know how difficult that can be), otherwise you may need to talk to your daughter and ask her to show you some respect and keep her comments to herself.

Anonymai Mon 24-Feb-14 17:59:23

Ah. I got bored and had a dig. Too much, too soon, too fast. Way too fast.

expatinscotland Mon 24-Feb-14 18:04:36

You haven't been single for five minutes. No wonder your DD doesn't like him.

Put your kids first and leave off having another man in your life pronto until they have time to digest all this.

Joysmum Mon 24-Feb-14 18:04:36

I've just read the reasons why your DD1 doesn't like him and am very hmm

I too am fat and ugly and can be arrogant, but my DH loves me anyway because of my good points. It sounds like jealousy to me, pure and simple.

The issues at the dance class just sounds like another thing for her to latch onto to justify her 'dislike' and detract away from her jealousy issues. Many of my divorced friends have been through the same.

Of course, I may be wrong, but I don't think there is anything in your OP that has me thinking you need to ditch him. You just need to work on your relationship with your DD.

innisglas Mon 24-Feb-14 18:05:20

Just wanted to say, do not get rid of your boyfriend because of your daughter, she will be leaving home soon and good men are hard to find

Finola1step Mon 24-Feb-14 18:08:01

I think the conversation your dd has described to you is very interesting. Interesting from the viewpoint that I do not think that another adult (the teacher) would have this kind of detailed discussion with a child/young person. I would be questioning the truth behind this "conversation". Could you be that one remark was made and your dd has embellished it?

That said, I think this is your dd's way of telling you how unhappy she is.

expatinscotland Mon 24-Feb-14 18:09:44

Yes, a fecking relationship with a man is far more important than your kids. hmm

ahlahktuhflomp Mon 24-Feb-14 18:11:43

I've seen many people look other people up and down, usually absent mindedly, occasionally pervily and never, NEVER has it become a talking point among everyone, still less have I known anyone to confide in the ogler or ogler's partner's kid about it.

Think how bizarrely unlikely the story is on the whole.

Preciousbane Mon 24-Feb-14 18:16:32

I think the most useful bit of information required is as asked up thread, how long were you single for?

DoctorTwo Mon 24-Feb-14 18:17:14

DD1 hated the bloke XW is now with, as she was scared he would turn out to be like the horrible piece of crap she dumped me for. Nowadays she tolerates him as she can see he's a lovely chap.

ahlahktuhflomp Mon 24-Feb-14 18:18:21

I think on balance story is probably bollocks, but agree that kids should be put first and it's probably too soon.

Losing your mummy or daddy is bad enough, dealing with respective partners probably makes it worse.

Capitola Mon 24-Feb-14 18:25:06

I'll bet it's really hard to face being alone after being in a marriage for so long.

But 'straight away'? How soon was that?

The most important people here are your kids who are probably still trying to come to terms with the break up of their parents' marriage.

Your daughter sounds really unhappy; it might be coming out as skewed and unkind, but her stability is more important at this stage imo. She needs you more than you realise, I think.

Anonymai Mon 24-Feb-14 18:26:45

Meh, I don't mind about being creepy and getting flamed so AS showed she started online dating at the end of October last year.

I don't get women who put cock before kids confused

Joysmum Mon 24-Feb-14 18:34:51

It's not putting cock before kids.

Without fail, everyone of my friends has been through similar when they got into the first relationship after a marriage breakup.

More than that, my own parents split when I was older than the DD of the OP and I was the same when my parents started dating. I'm glad my dad carried on regardless and worked on our relationship at the same time. I wasn't trying to deny him happiness, just hated my family splitting up.

expatinscotland Mon 24-Feb-14 18:37:39

It is when they can't go five minutes without 'dating' like so many on here.

Anonymai Mon 24-Feb-14 18:38:57

Yes it is. If your relationship breaks down and your children found it hard, would you introduce children to a new man several months later? How well did she know him before introductions were made if they met a couple of months ago? Cock before kids.

Chippednailvarnish Mon 24-Feb-14 18:45:14

My parents took forever to formally split up

harriet247 Mon 24-Feb-14 18:46:30

I think best to cool things off when doing things all together, see them seperately. My parents recently split and they both have partners within 6 months of splitting. Makes me a bit angry because they were together 30 years.
You sounds like you involvw dd way too much in your relationships and subsequent chats. She is your child and should not be a sympathetic ear/sounding board for your relationships even though she is an adult.
Both my parents do this and it makes me livid.

She does need to know that calling someone a paedo who is not and who there is no eveidence of which is very very wrong. It can ruin lives beyond any repair.

Keep love life and family life seperate for a absokute minimum of 6 months, take baby steps from there.

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