to ask if my daughter can come to the wedding?

(455 Posts)
splasheeny Sat 22-Feb-14 14:46:38

A very good friend is getting married, she was my only bridesmaid when I got married. She has moved away from me and I don't see her very often now, but we do stay in touch. I was hurt she didn't ask me to be bridesmaid, but haven't said anything.

The wedding is on the same weekend ans my dd's birthday, and in the middle of nowhere, some distance from where we live, so it will involve spending the weekend there (plus getting annual leave for travelling, something which I am not sure if will even be granted).

I am already planning my dd's birthday party for the week prior, as even if we were able to get back in time for her birthday, we wouldn't have time to plan a party the same weekend. I also don't know what we would do for childcare, and it feels mean to leave dd for her birthday. It will also cost a lot for hotel, transport, and childcare, which we could afford but would be at the expense of other things.

The wedding is not child free.

Wibu to ask if dd can come? Timing and location of the wedding really make things really difficult. I don't know if its rude to ask, would it be better to no go? I'm tempted to say could she come, she wouldn't even need a chair and can eat off my plate. AIBU?

chunkythighs Sun 02-Mar-14 21:07:08

Brian I'm humbled, but no doubt that the the op thinks I'm a right cow. For what it's worth-I sodded off and eloped to avoid all this crap, so I'm o no one to compare to.

But the OP clearly changes her mind as what she expects many times- QUOTE
*splasheeny Sun 23-Feb-14 16:49:24
I do agree that she must not value our friendship as much now to not invite me to be bridesmaid/not invite daughter to be flower girl and not even invite her.*

*splasheeny Sat 22-Feb-14 14:46:38
A very good friend is getting married, she was my only bridesmaid when I got married. She has moved away from me and I don't see her very often now, but we do stay in touch. I was hurt she didn't ask me to be bridesmaid, but haven't said anything.*

*splasheeny Sun 02-Mar-14 00:28:22
Chunky you are making things up now. I never said I wanted all those things*

SPLASH I'm quoting your own words, you are clear in your expectations of your place in this girls wedding. Where am I wrong? Life is complicated she just can't accommodate your childcare needs for her wedding. You know this girl and should make the call as to whether or not this is a conscience decision and if so why.....

Life is too short to take it personally. <thickskinned me! grin>

splasheeny Sun 02-Mar-14 14:05:58

The blog was written before I asked, but I hadn't read it till afterwards.

I will know lots of the other guests, which is why I know that the 'children' issue is a bit of a non issue: other friends don't have children.

Even if dd were to be invited now (and I highly doubt that) I wouldn't go as I wouldn't want her to be there under suferance.

mustbetimefortea Sun 02-Mar-14 09:46:43

OP did the blogpost appear after you asked the question? If so you may be the only one to query the child free policy and she is trying to stop other non family members asking.

I think it would be unfair on your dd to prioritise this friend's wedding over her birthday. At that age she will know it is her special day even if her party is on a different day.

It doesn't sound like you will know many of the non family guests and you will remember how little time you get with your guests, so if you go on your own it could be a pretty lonely day. Plus it might emphasize that you are not as close as you once were.

Don't go but arrange to see the dvd afterwards. If she's blogging no doubt you'll get a link to the official photos and there may even be live video streaming of the actual day..

OwlinaTree Sun 02-Mar-14 07:08:35

We are reimagining wedding guests as units requiring 12 hours of free food and drink, which helps our tight fists make some hard decisions

Wow hope I get an invite to that one, sounds like a barrel of laughs!

MintyChops Sun 02-Mar-14 05:46:03

Sounds like you are doing the right thing, hope your DD's birthday party is great fun.

Have googled a few of the wedding blogs; bloody hell!!!! My favourite quote from a charmless bride to be about how to decide the guest list was "We are reimagining wedding guests as units requiring 12 hours of free food and drink, which helps our tight fists make some hard decisions". Wow.

YankeeMum8 Sun 02-Mar-14 04:53:16

If she was not invited (which I think is bad form if other children are going to be there, I'm of the nature it's all or nothing to avoid hurt feelings) I would simply offer your apologies and not go.

If it did come up as to why you weren't going you could in a non confrontational way (almost like you were talking about someone else ) that it was dd's birthday and even so you didn't have a child minder (said sadly) and see what happens. She might ask you to bring her, of Course she is welcome. If nothing comes forth, I'd just end on a good note and realize that once you have children everything changes.

scottishmummy Sun 02-Mar-14 01:24:02

Look,your daughter isn't the brides priority.youre child won't be traumatised missing a wedding

splasheeny Sun 02-Mar-14 01:09:30

Thank you. I had a quick google and found lots of similar blogs, they all show an unhealthy obsession with a single day. (And asking for money, a big mumsnet faux pas).

I agree with you that some people focus too much on the wedding, rather than the marriage.

WTFlike Sun 02-Mar-14 01:03:36

It baffles me, this wedding shizzle. Imagine the comedown afterwards?

Enjoy your baby's birthday, it's more important.

splasheeny Sun 02-Mar-14 00:53:32

Pressed send too soon.. I am sure a quick google would yield lots of similar blogs (and maybe even hers).

splasheeny Sun 02-Mar-14 00:52:31

Wtf thanks for the offer.. I don't think it would be ethical however!

Seriously though I don't want to out her (or me!).

WTFlike Sun 02-Mar-14 00:46:12

Splash, I'll Paypal you a tenner for the link the the blog. I bet it's hilarious.

scottishmummy Sun 02-Mar-14 00:45:02

Look,she's not obliged to accomodate your dd at her wedding.its a disappointment
Decline politely,but dont hold a grudge on it.Don't lose a good pal over this

BrianTheMole Sun 02-Mar-14 00:41:42

but some people like you seem to like being nasty.

Although I have to say chunky isn't a nasty person. In fact she's incredibly lovely. She won't know me now because of a million name changes later, but she has gone out of her way to be very kind to me in the past, and I appreciate her for that.

splasheeny Sun 02-Mar-14 00:41:24

Back it is, you are talking nonsense. I suggest you look at a wedding forum, or magazine if you doubt me rather than being rude here.

I have not insisted on anything to the bride, and have certainly not mentioned being bridesmaid or dd being a flower girl. I only spoke to her to see if there was a solution, as there isn't we won't be going.

scottishmummy Sun 02-Mar-14 00:37:22

If it's inconvenient politely decline.no you cannot insist (as suggested) she accomodate dd

BackforGood Sun 02-Mar-14 00:34:35

Of course it's not correct etiquette - you're talking nonsense now.
There isn't any ambiguity. If their name isn't on the invitation, then they are not invited. How is that unclear?

BrianTheMole Sun 02-Mar-14 00:31:46

Would you seriously be OK with a guest that not only wanted her daughter invited (for some bizarre birthday/wedding hybrid celebration), to be a bridesmaid AND the child to be flower girl?

Ermm, well yeah I would have been tbh. Because the only people that came to our wedding were close friends and family. We didn't do the A list, B list thing. So if a child had wanted to be a flower girl I'd have found them a cheap dress on ebay. If the mum had wanted to be a bridesmaid then that would be cool, although they would have had to looked through their wardrobe for something dressy or beg borrowed or bought themselves an ebay one. But really, if any of the guests had wanted to do that, that really would have been fine. And our budget was fairly small in terms of weddings anyway. It was under 4000 inc food, venue and clothes.

splasheeny Sun 02-Mar-14 00:30:13

Back because it is correct etiquette. Same as inviting the vicar and his wife to the wedding breakfast. Because not inviting children makes it hard for people to attend, and also it is better to speak to people to avoid any ambiguity about the matter.

splasheeny Sun 02-Mar-14 00:28:22

Chunky you are making things up now. I never said I wanted all those things. I am venting here, that's all. I originally posted here for opinions, but some people like you seem to like being nasty. FWIW my dd has always been well behaved around the bride, and as is evidenced by her blog post she doesn't like children full stop at weddings.

BackforGood Sun 02-Mar-14 00:24:47

I thought it was correct etiquette to call people up with children prior to sending invites and explain that you regretfully can't have their children, and understand if they can't make it.

Seriously ? Some people on MN live in a different universe from me.
Why on earth would anybody, arranging any sort of an event, phone people up to explain that they don't want you bringing along people who aren't invited ? shock
Perhaps they should ring people with elderly parents too, as a lot of people have caring responsibilities there.
Of course, they mustn't forget to ring all the people with pets, just to tell them that they can't bring their pets. hmm

Decision made, sending a nice card. Put something lovely on her FB page on the day and leave it at that. Regarding the friendship, see how you feel later on. Personally I wouldn't think less of a friend not inviting DD to something, I'd take it that they wanted us there to have a nice time without her grin

TBH I can't think of many worse things than taking DD at 4yo to a wedding.

chunkythighs Sat 01-Mar-14 23:48:17

brian You had the day you wanted-why shouldn't this couple? You had the budget and the space for all the children you wanted- maybe this couple don't. Why should they be put in such an awkward position as to reiterate that the child is not invited? Lets face it, we only have the OPs word that her daughter will be well behaved at the wedding. The bride could have witnessed other behaviours that may be leading this decision.

Would you seriously be OK with a guest that not only wanted her daughter invited (for some bizarre birthday/wedding hybrid celebration), to be a bridesmaid AND the child to be flower girl?

The OP has veered from accepting the brides decision to bitching about her. Her daughter is not the centre of the brides universe, and that is perfectly normal. However the OP has taken this personally for some unknown reason.

TheFabulousIdiot Sat 01-Mar-14 23:31:05

Just don't get this stuff.

If you get an invite for a wedding but your child is not invited do 't take it personally.

Either you can go without the child(ren) or you can't. If you can't then politel decline.

Really it is that simple.

BrianTheMole Sat 01-Mar-14 23:25:14

I don't know chunky, I was pretty excited about my wedding day, but the most important things to me (aside from marrying my dh of course) were making sure the guests were happy, well fed, comfortable, and had a really good day as well. And if that meant they wanted their children there, then thats what I wanted to. I think sometimes people lose sight of that in their quest for it to be their special day and all about them. Our wedding day was about us, but it was also about the people that were celebrating with us. I wanted them to be happy, genuinely happy.

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