to ask if my daughter can come to the wedding?

(455 Posts)
splasheeny Sat 22-Feb-14 14:46:38

A very good friend is getting married, she was my only bridesmaid when I got married. She has moved away from me and I don't see her very often now, but we do stay in touch. I was hurt she didn't ask me to be bridesmaid, but haven't said anything.

The wedding is on the same weekend ans my dd's birthday, and in the middle of nowhere, some distance from where we live, so it will involve spending the weekend there (plus getting annual leave for travelling, something which I am not sure if will even be granted).

I am already planning my dd's birthday party for the week prior, as even if we were able to get back in time for her birthday, we wouldn't have time to plan a party the same weekend. I also don't know what we would do for childcare, and it feels mean to leave dd for her birthday. It will also cost a lot for hotel, transport, and childcare, which we could afford but would be at the expense of other things.

The wedding is not child free.

Wibu to ask if dd can come? Timing and location of the wedding really make things really difficult. I don't know if its rude to ask, would it be better to no go? I'm tempted to say could she come, she wouldn't even need a chair and can eat off my plate. AIBU?

chunkythighs Sat 22-Feb-14 15:11:01

Well squoosh you are not coming to my wedding! that includes your husband, children neighbours and friends!

Seriously, though, the request would put the bride and groom in an awkward position. What if every guest had the same request?

MrsCampbellBlack Sat 22-Feb-14 15:11:45

So your daughter is clearly not invited so I don't see why you'd ask the bride if you can bring her.

As others have said either leave your DD behind or decline the invite nicely. If the bride asks why - just say you didn't want to leave your DD behind on her birthday weekend.

splasheeny Sat 22-Feb-14 15:11:53

It is interesting to see the difference in opinions (though no need to be rude!).

I am wondering what would be best. I would really like to go, and I don't want to make things difficult.

The combination of things in this wedding does make things really difficult though.

Morgause Sat 22-Feb-14 15:12:49

I'd politely decline, saying you don't want to be away from your DD on her birthday weekend.

Supercosy Sat 22-Feb-14 15:13:06

I hardly think the suggestion is "outrageous". OP has said she quite genuinely can't decide if it would be worse for the bride if she didn't come or if she said "Look I can't come because I can't leave Dd.....is there any chance she can come"? What if she declines and then, at a later date the bride says "Oh, was it just because of Dd, you should have said". In fact there is another thread on the go a the moment where an invitation states that a couple's children are not invited but if that stops the couple from attending then please call them to discuss.

boydonewrongagain Sat 22-Feb-14 15:13:10

Op why did you ask a wedding question on mumsnet there are so many wedding taboo's in the mumsnet world that just Dont exist in RL

Ask your friend if your daughter can come tell her she can sit on your knee share your meal and that its her birthday. A genuine normal person friend would not find this offensive or rude.

If she says no then it just shows she's not a very understanding friend so politely decline if you do go Dont give her cash as a gift as you'll be banned from mumsnet forever more

squoosh Sat 22-Feb-14 15:13:35

Well it's highly unlikely that every guest will have the same request. She asks, the bride says yes or no. What's the big deal? I'd hope a close friend of mine would feel comfortable telling me the reasons they were having difficulty attending

SantasLittleMonkeyButler Sat 22-Feb-14 15:13:48

Of course it would be OK to ask! If she is a truly good friend & has not decided on a child-free wedding then just explain to her that it is your DD's birthday & you have a dilemma as you would hate to miss your friend's big day, but also cannot miss your own DD's birthday.

She might say no, she might say yes. But it is certainly OK to ask.

splasheeny Sat 22-Feb-14 15:14:44

Lol boy thank you for that.

There is no cash request as yet!

VeryStressedMum Sat 22-Feb-14 15:14:51

Have you actually said you're going to the wedding but now want to ask if your dd can go? Because if a wedding fell on one of my dc birthday and they weren't invited I wouldn't accept the invitation because I'd think it's important to be with them on their birthdays.

She may well be mortified that she has effectively asked you to dump your DD on her birthday. Talk to her. No-one on the internet knows her as well as you or how she is going to react, or whether she will think you are taking the piss. Communication is the key smile

everlong Sat 22-Feb-14 15:16:18

I'd ask. I wouldn't leave my 4 year old on their birthday.

splasheeny Sat 22-Feb-14 15:16:39

I agree that I don't others will have this request as we are at an age where friends don't have children. (I am a 'young' mum, at least in my social circle)

PuppyMonkey Sat 22-Feb-14 15:17:04

Just ring and tell her you'll have to decline and the reasons why and she might say DD can come after all. If not, well you have your answer.

Joysmum Sat 22-Feb-14 15:17:10

Why wouldn't you feel ok to phone and explain the situation and see if it could be possible? If she's a friend she'll try her best to accommodate and it might be doable, if not at least you've shown you really want to be a part of the day but understand it wasn't possible for them.

splasheeny Sat 22-Feb-14 15:17:36

I haven't RSVPed yet very.

alwaysneedaholiday Sat 22-Feb-14 15:18:06

I wouldn't leave my DD on her 4th birthday. Just politely decline on that basis. Don't ask if you can take her with you, it's not fair to put the bride in that position.

notso Sat 22-Feb-14 15:18:48

I would ring and say sorry you can't attend due to childcare issues. She will either say ok never mind or I really want you there bring DD.

I don't think you should ask outright and put her on the spot and I do think YABU thinking your DD won't need a chair and place setting I wouldn't want to sit next to a 4 yo sitting on someones knee and picking off their plate.

EBearhug Sat 22-Feb-14 15:19:48

If it's not a child-free wedding, then I don't think it's totally unreasonable to ask, but as she's clearly not invited, I would expect the answer to be no, and in that case, you just have to live with it. But you never know that someone else may not be able to make it, so there could be a spare place available.

Have you asked about local hotels, and whether any of them have childcare facilities? That might give a bit more flexibility over the different options you've got.

Notify Sat 22-Feb-14 15:21:51

I think you should phone you friend. Tell her you've spent ages thinking/worrying about it but you won't be able to come as you can't bring yourself to leave dd on her birthday.

Bride will either say she'll miss you but understands, have a tantrum or see what she can do to fit dd in.

Will she have already realised it's dd's birthday?

fwiw I don't think you should be offended about not being bridesmaid. Aren't bridesmaid usually unmarried?

AlfAlf Sat 22-Feb-14 15:25:43

In your position I would ask, I'd ask really nicely of course, but yes because the most simple solution is for you to bring her.
I'd maybe offer to pay for dd's meal in case costs are an issue.
It may also be that the venue can only accommodate a strictly limited number of guests and no more, in which case you need a new solution..

In the past when invited without DC's we have hired a babysitter at the hotel, so they still get to come away for the weekend with us but aren't at the wedding. This has worked out well.

RandomMess Sat 22-Feb-14 15:30:06

Yes I'd ask with the caveat of you understand if they can't accommodate dd and you won't be offended type of thing.

innisglas Sat 22-Feb-14 15:35:23

Some very good advice here, except for the idea that it would be outrageous to ask, I find that an outrageous comment. You are both good friends, If I were the bride I would be much more upset if you just said that you can't go because of your daughter's birthday than if you said what the real problem is.

Bunbaker Sat 22-Feb-14 15:35:28

"on mumsnet there are so many wedding taboo's in the mumsnet world that just Dont exist in RL"

So true. I have never been invited to a child free wedding, been sent a wedding list/cash request with an invitation, been told what to wear at a wedding, felt insulted that I have only been invited to an evening do, been invited to a wedding overseas etc.

I have never met any bridezillas in RL either.

Shenanagins Sat 22-Feb-14 15:36:09

I don't think its rude to ask but it depends on how you do it. If you explain the situation and tell her that you will not be offended if she says no. I had a couple who asked if they could bring their child to my child-free wedding as all their babysitters would also be there. We were horrified by putting them in this position as this as we hadn't even thought about this so of course they could bring their child.

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