to have a moan about this...

(27 Posts)
bettybigballs Wed 19-Feb-14 20:06:01

And if IABU, is there anything i can do to get point across and stop this from happening?

I'm fed up with DH not taking care of anything that isn't directly his. Anything that is his directly (mainly to do with his hobby or his tablet) is treated with kid gloves lined with angel tears.

Anything of mine or the families however is treated with a heavy hand. I'm getting fed up with it.

Last night DH cooked, he was using a saute pan that my auntie bought for me for a milestone birthday (sad i know but i love cooking) he was using a sharp knife to move the food around in it during cooking (rather than a spoon / spatula type thing) and tonight i've realised he scratched the shit out of it. This is after i caught him cutting up cardboard boxes with our one really good knife (the scissors are next to the knife in the drawer).

In the last month he's broken the iron by knocking it off the ironing board, a brand new vacuum cleaner as he tipped the box upside down onto the stone floor when he was unpacking it, smashed a porcelain salad bowl I adored, chipped most of our new plates by banging them around and fucked the printer by yanking out a bit of it that doesn't come out.

I know it's only material items but they all mean something to me or are useful to me and I'm fed up of having the same conversation over and over again asking him to be more careful with things. His stock response is that he's in a rush or the item should be studier.

He's ruined countless jumpers / wool dresses etc because 'everything should be ok to wash at 60, it's fine'

I'm so bored of the conversation and it's clearly not being heard.

zipzap Wed 19-Feb-14 22:52:10

As soon as I discovered he'd done something like this, I would ask him to go and get one of his expensive bits of kit for me to look at, then I'd look at it very carefully using the sharp knife and metal tools to handle it while he was watching, with an explanation as to how you think it's only fair that as he persists in treating your precious items so heavy handedly despite being asked not to, he obviously doesn't understand what you are saying (deliberately or inadvertently) or forgets. So you have decided to explain it to him in terms that he will understand - namely that if he scratches your pans that is like you attacking his [precious thing] like this - and going for it. If he manages to stop you the hold it ransom until he manages to replace your stuff or gives you free rein to replace stuff and realises the seriousness of his actions - and realises that future transgressions will also have consequences!

mumminio Wed 19-Feb-14 21:04:06

Excellent, I get to choose between new pans or new implements smile This is the best thread ever!

I have switched to using silicone implements now, simply because I want red implements grin

Side effect is that they are pan friendly, should DP ever decide to be "helpful" in cooking.

mumminio Wed 19-Feb-14 20:50:59

I am dealing with this too...I got 2 beautiful frying pans and every time my husband uses them, they get scratched because he keeps using metal implements. UUURGH!! I nagged him for a couple of months, but nothing changed and he said he was just helping by doing some cooking. Next time he does it, I'm ordering more online!

bettybigballs Wed 19-Feb-14 20:40:19

wwoooahhhh fryOne she was really pent up!

I need to get him to listen to me. I hope that if he realises how fucked off I am with the cumulative situation he'll sort himself out.

I'll give a conversation a go and discuss the breakages as a whole and if that doesn't work then tablet might be coming to a sticky end.

I know someone who was in this same situation.

She decided enough was enough, got one of his precious items and smashed the rolling pin down on it. In front of him. Then handed it back to him with the statement that she had treated his possessions with the same respect he showed to her possessions.

It never happened again.

Not sure I could quite go that far, myself. But then, DP doesn't do this.

CuriosityCola Wed 19-Feb-14 20:34:28

Sure did wink Make sure you update us on your successful shopping and putting him in his place.

BirthdayMuppet Wed 19-Feb-14 20:31:17

I would be really, really, really, fucking ragingly cross if my dh did this to me. Really. If you don't have fully shared finances and you know his credit card info then definitely replace your things at his expense. And spiteful as it may seem, I'd be seriously considering breaking his things too. I honestly would, because he's treating you like shit. Would he treat his mother's things that way? No? Then why is it okay to treat you that way, hmm?

bettybigballs Wed 19-Feb-14 20:31:15

Sounds like you went large curiosity i think i'm going to follow your example. (after i've bought new stuff though, natch smile )

CuriosityCola Wed 19-Feb-14 20:27:37

We had loads of nagging and numerous conversations.

It was the one where he thought he was in the right as usual and replied that he listened when it was important. I told him that as a SAHM with two toddlers he was my main person to chat to and confide in. To have him not listen to me meant that I had no-one.

So in short, rather than my usual fiery self I rolled out a big emotional speech smilegrin I also might have mentioned that he was being selfish and arrogant.

PigeonPie Wed 19-Feb-14 20:26:58

OP YADNBU. I think that DameFanny's suggestion of taking your H's credit card and replacing some of the things in front of him would be a good way of starting to get through to him.

I would be livid if my DH did this.

LizzieVereker Wed 19-Feb-14 20:24:44

"Kid gloves lined with angel tears" grin That's brilliant, OP, I'm going to be using that...

Oh, and YANBU. Especially about the Hoover. Fool. Him not you.

Yanbu my dp is exactly the same, he breaks things and cuts corners so he ends up damaging thing. To me it is a massive lack of respect, the items may not mean anything to him but they do to you.

I would seriously consider "accidentally" damaging something of his and see how he likes being told that it should be sturdier... wink

bettybigballs Wed 19-Feb-14 20:22:54

hummm, i've been too paranoid about being a nag haven't I.

He'll be in soon, I'll be putting a new pan and knife on his credit card.

Thanks for this, really appreciate the perspective.

bettybigballs Wed 19-Feb-14 20:20:11

That's made me think, i hadn't actually considered it as disrespectful before more of a gung ho character trait but you're spot on.

I am quite tempted by the reciprocal breakage ilovemydog! grin

Curiosity you've hit the nail on the head there, i am so fed up of nagging about this and i suspect he's stopped hearing the message as in his mind all of these things can be replaced quickly so the problem can be 'fixed'.

He's genuinely an amazing partner in lots of other ways, perhaps he doesn't see that this is important to me. I think i need to sit him down and have a proper chat rather than moaning about the individual instances. How did you branch you're convo?

MsVestibule Wed 19-Feb-14 20:17:44

This would drive me MENTAL. If he was generally cack handed, fair enough, but he just doesn't care enough to make an effort with something that doesn't belong to him. I would be sorely tempted to put a little scratch on his tablet every time he damaged something of mine, but I couldn't actually do it!

DameFanny Wed 19-Feb-14 20:17:19

Only sheets and towels get washed at 60 here - DH knows the drill.

However, when he put a dress and 3 pairs of tights in the tumble dryer I took his credit card, went online and replaced them - in front of him.

He hasn't done it again. Make the pain his.

CuriosityCola Wed 19-Feb-14 20:15:50

Dojo That's a good point about replacing the items.

I have irrational rage on the ops behalf. Scratching pans due to laziness is one of my biggest peeves.

expatinscotland Wed 19-Feb-14 20:13:45

How disrespectful.

Mouthfulofquiz Wed 19-Feb-14 20:13:22

NOT not bit!
My DH used to regularly knock my coat onto the floor while getting his own out and just leave it there - hadn't noticed! So I kept asking him to come back and pick it up in a non passive aggressive way and it worked.

DoJo Wed 19-Feb-14 20:12:57

It sounds infuriating! Could you maybe treat his belongings in the same way? Or, depending on your financial arrangements, could you insist that he sets up a savings account from his disposable income which can be used to pay for replacements.
I know that's not really the point, but perhaps if he is made to feel some consequences of his actions then he might be a bit more considerate.

Mouthfulofquiz Wed 19-Feb-14 20:11:07

I agree - its very disrespectful to bit consider that other people care for certain items the way he cares for his own items.

CuriosityCola Wed 19-Feb-14 20:10:30

*YaNbu smilegrin

CuriosityCola Wed 19-Feb-14 20:10:02

Yabu, he sounds very selfish. I feel for you, because it's very easy to become the person that moans all the time.

I know it's not the same thing, but I had to have a massive chat with dh about listening. I didn't think he was being a good listener. He said he listened when it was important. Exactly! He listened to what he thought was important, not what I thought was important. Once he realised this he was really smile.

Your dh is basically doing the same thing with your possessions. It's a lack of respect. Have you broached it from this angle, rather than just nagging him like a toddler?

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme Wed 19-Feb-14 20:09:27

Is he usually this disrespectful of you? Do you actually have any say or opinion on anything? He's lucky he's not married to me, I get a spiteful temper in situations like that. He'd be finding something of his broken every time he broke something of mine.

<not helpful>

Think the conversation needs to be ramped up a bit.

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