to think that someone with depression can walk a dog!

(199 Posts)
madmacbrock Wed 19-Feb-14 17:19:21

I am not ignorant to the plight of people with depression and recognise that it is a serious illness. However I am 7 months pregnant with 2nd child and suffering really badly with back and pelvic pain, I cannot walk to the kitchen without the aid of a crutch let alone walk my dog. She doesnt need to much walking as she suffers with athritis. I asked my MIL, (who was diagnosed with depression in June and has been constantly saying she needs to get out of the house and do something) if she would walk my dog for 20 mins twice a week whenever she felt up to it just so she can get out and my husband can spend a bit of time with his daughter as he comes in from work at 6.30 she goes to bed at 7.30 and if hes walking the dog misses out on that time. She said no she didnt feel like it. I feel really bitter about it as myself and dh have bent over backwards past few months to help her out and she cant even do this one little thing for us. Should I talk to her or just ignore it and put it down to frustration and pregnancy anger and forget it?

YoureBeingASillyBilly Wed 19-Feb-14 22:15:48

I dont think any

Adeleh Wed 19-Feb-14 22:17:12

Agree with everything counts. Hope you're not feeling too bashed OP.

YoureBeingASillyBilly Wed 19-Feb-14 22:18:29

Sorry

I dont think anyone has said OP over demanded of her MIL- just that her reaction to the 'no' response is UR especially the considering talking to MIL about it.

If someone says they dont want to do something for you then you pretty much accept that they dont want to- for whatever reason. Talking to then wont make them want to- but it might make them feel pressured to give in. Thats UR.

Domenica69 Wed 19-Feb-14 22:24:53

Agree totally with LRDTheFeminist Op you sound like you are just pissed off with your MIL anyway and this is just another thing for you to be pissed off about.

You are trying to dress the dog walking thing up as something to help MIL when in fact you just want her to do it for you and you are now annoyed that she is not complying with your expectations.

Get your dh to go out at 7.30 and leave your poor MIL alone until you want to offer her some actual support. You sound horribly bitter and judgemental.

Adeleh Wed 19-Feb-14 22:29:29

No she isn't . First half of her post is about how much pain the OP's in, not about how it would do her MIL good. She's not dressing it up. And she's asking for advice rather than piling in at her MIL. Her real mistake is to have asked on this forum.

LondonForTheWeekend Wed 19-Feb-14 22:34:32

So what does actual support to her MIL/and depressed person actually mean Domenica69.

YoureBeingASillyBilly Wed 19-Feb-14 22:35:29

I'd say her thread title didnt help her either tbf.

RafaIsTheKingOfClay Wed 19-Feb-14 22:40:20

What advice do you think she was asking for Adelah?

The only thing I can see the OP asking are whether or not depression should stop you from being able to walk her dog or whether she should talk to her ill MIL about why she can't even do one little thing for them.

RafaIsTheKingOfClay Wed 19-Feb-14 22:42:07

Quite, you are being silly. The thread title was pretty much guaranteed to get people's backs up.

The second post after she unexpectedly discovered no one else agreed with her was the icing on the cake.

motleymop Wed 19-Feb-14 22:43:58

Good god! Roll up, roll up- put your two penneth here - why don't you take the opportunity to REALLY stick the boot in!

Coriolanus Wed 19-Feb-14 22:44:58

I volunteer for the Cinammon Trust, which means they ask me to dog-walk for the elderly or ill. I'm currently walking a dog for a lady suffering from depression!

Adeleh Wed 19-Feb-14 22:46:14

She's asking if it's unreasonable before she does talk again to MIL. Having seen this thread, my guess is that she won't. She just wanted advice about coming to that decision and has had a lot of grief at a time when she is also vulnerable and in pain. And of course the dog is her responsibility and her husbands. But families help each other out in lots of different ways. It was fair enough to ask, and fair enough to be privately disappointed.

YoureBeingASillyBilly Wed 19-Feb-14 23:05:11

Exactly what i said adeleh. - fine to ask and fine to be disappointed. Not fine to be bitter about it and want to pressure her into changing her mind.

I've also volunteered previously for the Cinnamon Trust and am still a member, however they'd be unlikely to provide a volunteer where there is an able bodied adult in the house who could walk the dog daily.

Another option might be for the dog to have emergency respite care at a local or breed specific rescue - rescues can sometimes arrange this when people are in genuine and temporary difficulty though again, they may feel that the able bodied OH is in a position to care for/walk the dog.

If you can't afford a professional dog walker, and they are often very reasonably priced, it may be worth asking a local teenager who is after some pocket money. Alternatively, if they are keen to work with animals, for instance, they may be glad to do this as a way of getting experience and a reference. If you are a member of a church or religious group, are there any volunteers who could help? Or how about a card at your local vet's surgery asking for some temporary help?

I honestly don't think you should expect your MIL to do this for you.

Adeleh Wed 19-Feb-14 23:11:03

I agree it would be unfair to pressure MIL. But I would also find it hard not to be privately pissed off - especially if I'd been helping out a lot. To me the important thing is that she hasn't actually said this to MIL - she's asking about it. That's vey different to charging right in, and asking after the event.

Punkatheart Wed 19-Feb-14 23:22:35

To be very specific, I actually fostered a dog to try and help my depressed teen. I witnessed her having meltdowns when I asked her to walk the dog. She became very agitated and hated the expectation and the responsibility. Depressed is very hard to understand, unless you have experienced it first hand or even at close quarters. I have wanted to give every person who has told us all about their situation a huge hug. It all rings so true and it makes life so hard.

I don't people have piled in necessarily. It hit a nerve for many but there were other factors that people picked up on - such as there being an able-bodied person in the house who could walk the dog after 7.30. But I think mostly people have picked up on the resentment against the BIL. Now here is controversial thing - in depression you can only cope with yourself but there are certain things you can do, can cope with - and it gives the impression that you are OK. But when you have a regular thing you have to commit to - it can make you very distressed. I have seen it with my girl.

Of course I feel for the OP - poor love, she is pregnant and in pain. I hope she comes up with a solution but if the dog walking is not possible, then she does need to let it go. I am in the camp that family is great but my responsibilities are mine. I have cancer, a depressed teen and animals. I struggle a lot. My family would come down (from a long way away) to help me if I asked - but I never feel resentment. I do not expect it.

Let's all try and understand one another here. Depression can make people touchy, aggressive and they go round in circles in their mind. Exercise, good food and goals may help some but it does not touch the side with others, like my daughter.

Sleep well all of you. I hope tomorrow is a good day for everyone, including the OP. I hope that we haven't hurt you - it was not our intention, I feel. It simply hit a raw nerve for many of us and we could see other solutions, rather than the central one.

Stridence Wed 19-Feb-14 23:37:05

Walk your own bloody dog and deal with your resentment towards your BIL.

Stridence Wed 19-Feb-14 23:38:14

(I meant your husband should walk the mutt, not you).

Adeleh Wed 19-Feb-14 23:54:06

punk that was a nice post, and I'm sorry to hear you and your DD are having a rough time. Don't quite agree about that people haven't piled in. OP has been called ignorant, a monumental bitch, has been accused of being annoyed that someone else is getting the attention, and told to deal with her resentment. So far all she has actually done is ask someone, whose doctor has advocated exercise to walk her dog for 20 minutes twice a week. Someone she has helped a great deal. Of course MIL has a perfect right to say no, and must not be pressured when she is ill and vulnerable, but OP asked for advice before doing that. If she came back tomorrow and said she'd gone ahead and hassled MIL that would be different. And how could you be human and not mind seeing BIL being helped when he's done nothing to help and you're crippled with pain? I know it's not MIL's fault, but it would upset me privately.

pettybetty Thu 20-Feb-14 02:03:18

It's not a nice thing to be on the wrong end of dogpiling (I have experienced it under another name) and I hope the OP is feeling ok, both physically and after the bashing experienced on here. I've often wanted to start an AIBU about being badly shaken by being on the wrong end of MN public opinion and the abuse that followed, but have been put off by the thought of the abuse I would re-attract - e.g. 'get a life' or 'if you can't take the heat....' etc etc. confused

It's like posters think you're the scum of the earth for holding one opinion that may just be the result of tunnel vision due to oppressing circumstances, and an OP not seeing the bigger picture.

Just one point though, in the OP you describe it as "she cant even do this one little thing for us". I am sure it is frustration and pain talking, but it's lots of individual favours you are asking for - each walk would be a separate favour, and as many others have pointed out, in rather bleak and unappealing conditions, and that is setting aside the matter of her depression.

If you recognise this fact, you may better be able to accept her refusal. We have a dog, I don't have depression, and I sometimes have to force myself to go out and walk him in -15*C (we're in US with plenty of snow atm). I'm steeling myself to go and do it now as dh is away and can't palm the job off on him grin

differentnameforthis Thu 20-Feb-14 06:38:32

When my friend was in her deepest state of depression, she found it hard to even walk her kids to school several yards up the road.

YABU

I'll walk your dog op!! where are you?

Pagwatch Thu 20-Feb-14 07:59:59

Oh give over.

My DH doesn't get home until 7.30 some nights and can still walk the dogs if they need it.
The op asked. The mil said no.
If she doesn't feel up to it - and it may be the responsibility that worries her as much as anything else if she is depressed - she is allowed to say no without the op sneering at her.

FTRsGotAShinyNewNN Thu 20-Feb-14 10:24:04

I've only skimmed the thread but the way I see it

Yanbu to ask mil to walk the dog
Mil is nbu to say no

Just because she should be getting some exercise doesn't mean she feels up to it.
The BIL thing seems like an underlying issue that you need to deal with.
Solution: get DH to walk the dog and go to bed at 7.45 or hire a dog walker

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