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Are we? I think it's the more stable option

(16 Posts)
M0naLisa Wed 19-Feb-14 09:06:16

Bit of a weird and morbid one but I wanted to know if we (me and DH) were being unreasonable.

I was talking to my cousin and auntie about what happens to the children if the unexpected happened to me and DH.
My cousin said that her sister would take care of her little boy but she'd want her to move to this county (East) rather than where she lives now on the west coast of the UK.

My auntie then asked me if we knew who would look after aour 3 DS if the worst were to happen. I said yes 'The boys Married Godparents' (the boys each have 6 - 4 of whom are our close friends and the other two are a married couple who've been together for over 20 years, have 2 grown up sons, 1 is at university in his 2nd year, he's studying to become a paediatric Dr)

Both our parents are divorced and remarried.

DH mum lives a few hours away, Dhs dad is a no no (DH upbringing and his dads temper)
My mum - no no. Drink always is first with my mum hmm
My dad and stepmum is a no too. They'd have a good life with my dad but I would prefer them not to live with grandparents.

So is our request/decision a bad one, my aunties reaction seemed to think it was!!

We asked the couple about te above and they said they were more than happy to have the boys if the worst happened - also how do I get that put into writing and saved somewhere safe so that I know this would happen. The last thing we'd want is the grandparents pulling and pushing the boys in each and every direction. Also I wouldn't want them taken into care if a plan wasn't in place for the boys.

Sorry it's long.

wintersdawn Wed 19-Feb-14 09:13:52

we were having this very conversation at the weekend, I think you need to put it into a will and also have something in there about ensuring family contact if they aren't with the family. providing you want them to see the family.
it's a minefield as we want them with different people depending on their age.

cashmiriana Wed 19-Feb-14 09:16:40

You need to make wills, and appoint guardians.

We have appointed my Dsis and DH's DB as guardians for our DC, but with the stipulation that our DC would live with my Dsis (who our children are much closer too, plus she already has experience of bringing teens up, whereas BIL's DC are still little.)

IndridCold Wed 19-Feb-14 09:19:20

Your decision sounds very sensible and well thought out. If your aunt is a bit hmm about it, all the more reason to get it written down officially.

You need to see a solicitor and make a proper will, it needn't cost very much. You should have a will anyway, dying intestate is an absolute pain for those left behind. And apparently, people who make wills live longer!

Lonecatwithkitten Wed 19-Feb-14 09:23:49

Get a proper with guardians listed in it otherwise social services will make the decision and it maybe none of the people you ad hoped will be chosen.
Look at mumblechums ad. In classifieds she is a will writer/ solicitor and very reasonable.

DarlingGrace Wed 19-Feb-14 09:24:43

We put it in our will, who would have our children. And of course, you have made provision for financial support for the children haven't you? It's a bit much to assume someone can afford to take them in.

M0naLisa Wed 19-Feb-14 09:55:14

That's the thing, we have nothing except
Our household furniture etc etc. no savings. We live hand to mouth week in week out! Everything would need to be sold to put money I to the boys either to help bring them up or a savings account!!
I beat get moving on a will.

Minnieisthedevilmouse Wed 19-Feb-14 10:02:02

Second the will. (People don't do this when they have kids?!?)

Also, as the will is quite dry I recommend including letters if wish statements. Dh and I put a brief one together. It states why the grandparents were not chosen (too old). It states why the people were chosen (middle aged, own means of income removed from our children among other things) and things we would expect money from the estate to be used for ( computers, education, family trips, school trips, hobbies etc).

This way the will is a bit fleshed out to stop any idiots (pils) making some protestations later on. ( mil is mad and would she's not getting my kids even over my dead body!)

M0naLisa Wed 19-Feb-14 11:06:46

My mum would fight tooth and nail for the boys and we don't want her to have them. She didn't look after me and my sister growing up she sure as he'll isn't going to change for her grandsons. She still prefers to chose drink over her grandsons now.

I'll look into it this week! Not got a lot of free cash as in benefits at the moment but hd starting work next week.

DoJo Wed 19-Feb-14 12:50:48

You can buy insurance which would provide a monthly sum for the care of your children if either or both of you should die. We have it and it costs about £10 a month to provide £1000 for either of us if the other dies, or to be paid to guardians if we both died. Definitely worth it for the peace of mind and to ensure that your children are cared for after you're gone.

DarlingGrace Wed 19-Feb-14 12:55:22

I don't think a thousand pounds will go very far. It wont even pay for a funeral.

lazyhound444 Wed 19-Feb-14 13:03:12

Straightforward "mirror" wills cost about £150 plus VAT if you go and see a solicitor, it'll all be done and dusted. Agree with the poster who said about explanatory letters, very good idea.

jojane Wed 19-Feb-14 13:09:31

We had guardians named in our will. We were also advised to write an accompanying letter (written by the solicitor ) giving our reasons and also mentions who we DIDN'T want to have the children - namely my mother. As wills aren't completely legally binding and can be contested so a letter giving our reasons could be read out in court if a custody battle was waged, and could be taken into comsideration

RuddyDuck Wed 19-Feb-14 13:10:10

£1000 per month should be enough to cover the children's expenses. The guardians/executors would only have to pay for the funeral once, wouldn't they?

We've got a similar policy, we pay £13 pm and then it pays out a capital sum of £200k which the children's guardians could invest to give them a monthly income. It seemed quite a reasonable amount when we took it out but interest rates have dropped since then...

I think not using grandparents is sensible - my parents have both been seriously ill in the past few years and certainly would not now make great guardians for our challenging teens.

Scholes34 Wed 19-Feb-14 13:20:26

Yes, to a will. My DBro is named as guardian, not him and my SIL together. I adore my SIL, but the chap drawing up the will said it was wise to select one person just in case anything should happen to their relationship as we wouldn't want anyone fighting over having (or not having!) our children.

DoJo Thu 20-Feb-14 11:55:17

DarlingGrace - Perhaps it wasn't clear - that's £1000 a month, which would be paid to either the remaining parent (or guardian if we both died) until my son is 21. In my case he would also have the mortgage paid off so inherit a house which would be worth plenty as well and our other assets would pay for a funeral, but if you have no other assets or insurance in place, a monthly payout could be of great benefit to whoever is left holding the baby as it were.

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