Can't decide how unreasonable I'm being. It's a pregnant wedding one

(69 Posts)
KiwiBanana Wed 19-Feb-14 08:47:51

We've been invited to a wedding on my due date, DP has been invited to stag do 3 weeks before I'm due in Amsterdam. It's DPs cousin and the wedding is about a 2 hour drive away, we also have a 3 year old who I don't think is invited.

My first reaction was that we obviously wouldn't be able to go to either, but DP is disappointed with this. He wants to go to at least the stag do and I think will try and wangle his way in to me letting him go to the evening bit of the wedding if I'm not in labour.

Tbh I'm surprised at this as he honestly usually is supportive and would put our needs first, but there's family history that means him being invited to this wedding is important for him.

I really can't see myself being comfortable with being left with toddler all weekend while I'm full term and don't want to call on family for help as 1) why should they have to and 2) I'll need the help more when in labour and after baby is here.

I feel massively uncomfortable at the thought of him going off on my due date. I know it's not the other end of the world but it's just an added complication I don't want at that stage. Am I being a bit precious and unreasonable to say no to either? I can't even think of any sort of compromise.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit Wed 19-Feb-14 09:31:27

I had a totally healthy pregnancy and gave birth at 37 weeks. It's a possibility.

I would hope he doesn't go to on the stag (which soubdst likee a delight anyway) and would be ok with him in going to the wedding as long as he stays sober and ready to drive to back ASAP if labour starts.

ProfPlumSpeaking Wed 19-Feb-14 09:35:17

My waters broke in church to the sound of Handel's Water Music. I was at a friend's wedding 5 days before my due date.

I am not sure we made for good guests as we had to charge out (to reduce water damage to pews blush) and then to hospital.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone Wed 19-Feb-14 09:35:22

Christ almighty, YOU are the one getting to be pregnant, give birth, have your body change and possibly be damaged in the process, blah blah no alcohol or pate or sleep or rest from heartburn etc. etc... the compromise is that maybe HE has to make an inconvenient sacrifice for this pregnancy too!

If you don't want your partner to leave you alone with your other child ON YOUR DUE DATE, it should NOT happen.

Your job is to give birth.
His job is to support that in ANY WAY YOU WANT.

If he can't do that - he's no dad.

LittleBearPad Wed 19-Feb-14 09:35:32

Yes it's possible to give birth at 37 weeks but it's not typical.

KiwiBanana Wed 19-Feb-14 09:37:16

I do feel bad for saying no when he is usually so good. He's totally against strip clubs etc anyway so I wouldn't worry about that if he did go to the stag do, I just don't want to be left alone for 3 days with DS when I'm that big.

I've said he can say yes to the wedding on the proviso that they understand he might not be able to attend if things are hotting up here and that he can help arrange someone for me to be with during the day if I feel like I need it.

Thanks everyone, just helps to sound it out on here sometimes smile

benefitofhindsight Wed 19-Feb-14 09:38:58

I would definitely say no to either, the wedding would be ok if he could take the toddler with him as that would give you a day to relax and if you did go in to labour he can leave toddler with relatives and drive back. If the toddler is not allowed to go though then no way!

I don't understand this outrage about 'leaving you alone when heavily pregnant, with a toddler as well'? In a pregnancy which has not had any significant problems, this should not even be an issue really, I mean how is going to a family wedding (not drinking, keeping his phone on him and driving himself home) any different to him being at work all day? confused not saying this is the OP's attitude, but how do you think women manage when their husbands work 12 hour shifts, or nights, or work away from home/Forces etc.?

I should have said, I don't agree with him going on the stag do, but not for the reason that OP would be left alone 3 weeks before due date.

Don't let him go to the wedding my second labour was less than three hours, he could easily miss the birth if you do go into labour on your due date.

I don't think I'd have a problem with either tbh.

On my third labour, dh had to go to into work. I went into labour while he was gone and he came back (about a two hour drive). That was a quick labour but I was still able to manage ds and dd until he got back. tv and chocolate while I was having contractions!

I don't like the sound of that stag do due to my own beliefs around things like that. But you say DH is not into strip clubs etc. What will he do while the rest of them are handing over their money to girls for fun times? <bleugh>

laregina Wed 19-Feb-14 10:13:13

it's 3 days away and says about girls taking your money for fun times!!

<boak>

Your DP's cousin sounds lovely hmm. I feel sorry for his wife-to-be.

YANBU. Absolutely not.

Chunderella Wed 19-Feb-14 10:13:29

A quick google suggests that actually giving birth at 37 weeks is very common. I don't know where these stats are from, but based on real life experience, the 6.6% figure sounds about right:

http://spacefem.com/pregnant/charts/duedate3.php

I don't think pissing about over whether this is common, typical or whatever else we want to call it is particularly helpful- it happens to lots of women and it is a realistic possibility. Add to this all those who don't give birth at 37 weeks, but have to stay in hospital or are placed on bedrest or some kind of restricted regime at home.

Amsterdam is obviously a ludicrous idea. As pointed out upthread, he's likely to have to commit in advance for flights and hotels, which is unrealistic in your situation. And if something did happen, he might not be able to get back. I think you're right to ok the wedding itself though, assuming you don't feel baby is imminent and he doesn't drink. And you feel up to being left, obviously. As you are heavily pregnant, your wishes and welfare must come before those of other adults in the family who are not heavily pregnant.

ENormaSnob Wed 19-Feb-14 10:38:08

37 weeks is classed as full term.

Littlebearpad, you are talking shit.

Op, imo yanbu on all counts.

ITCouldBeWorse Wed 19-Feb-14 10:46:08

There are things you just get on with at 37 weeks with a toddler, husband working away, normal work, domestic life, poorly toddler, dependent relatives etc and stuff you don't have to get on with

eg stag nights with prostitutes, extra nights alone to facilitate. How about you spend the money earmarked for booze and strippers on a pleasant , relaxing family weekend.

If you are not a single parent, why the eff should you ave to manage as one?

Nanny0gg Wed 19-Feb-14 10:53:56

What is it with these bloody men and their stag dos!

He is not single and fancy-free. He is a father with another baby due imminently.

I don't see why he can't decide on his own that he really shouldn't go.

I think leaving a heavily pregnant wife to deal with their toddler is unfair. No doubt the OP can manage, but why should she have to? And why should her family give up their time to facilitate it when as the OP says, she'll need them more after the birth.

He needs to grow up.

As to the wedding - I agree with the 'flexible' RSVP depending on when the baby chooses to make an appearance.

Mia4 Thu 20-Feb-14 10:59:13

Are you ok op? Did you sort with your dp?

tiredbutstillsmiling Thu 20-Feb-14 11:08:07

I had a totally uncomplicated pregnancy and went into spontaneous labour at 34 weeks - whilst DH was in his "last@ boys' night out! I couldn't get hold of him to midday the day after. Luckily my labour didn't progress. I was tol to stop work & DH was on "standby" at all times! DD arrived at exactly 36 weeks & still to this day the consultants don't know why I delivered early. Just ready I guess!

I'm now 16 weeks pg and believe me DH won't be going anywhere from 34 weeks!!

tiredbutstillsmiling Thu 20-Feb-14 11:09:14

Three weeks later though I was bridesmaid for my friends and she had her 3 week old Goddaughter at the wedding so the wedding maybe do-able!!

Picturesinthefirelight Thu 20-Feb-14 11:31:29

I invited a work colleague & his wife to my wedding on atound his wife's due date. I made it clear that they could be totally flexible, it would have been around 1-2 hours journey for them. They planned to attend but she went into labour the day before.

I would not have been happy with dh being abroad so close to my due date.

SaucyJack Thu 20-Feb-14 13:19:52

My second labour was around an hour and a half long.

If he actually gives a shit, then it's perhaps slightly unwise of him to be two hours drive (at the very least) away on your due date.

OrangePixie Thu 20-Feb-14 13:30:40

The stag do is a no, as he can't get back quickly enough.

The wedding is ok as long as he is ready to drive back at a moment's notice, keeps his phone on hand and emergency childcare is in place for your other DC.

HoratiaDrelincourt Thu 20-Feb-14 13:42:04

My DC2 was precipitate - from first thinking I might possibly be in labour (but probably a false alarm or just late pg symptoms) was about four hours. Time from definitely knowing I was in labour to holding a baby in my arms was under an hour. I'm told this is not uncommon with second babies don't ask about third though.

My feeling is that if he goes to Amsterdam when you're in your due window (37-42w) then he risks missing the birth. If you're supported (eg a sister to have the toddler, mother to drive you and be your birth partner) then that might be fine. But if he wants or needs to be there on the day, going so far away is crazy.

Similarly, the wedding day - remembering that I was only sure I was in labour for an hour - if he is two hours away then it would take more like three to make his excuses, get home, and drive you to hospital. If you have other options, fine, but if he wants/needs to be there... etc.

Also, it's terribly terribly hard to be heavily pregnant with a toddler in the house. Your lap isn't deep enough; you can't reach to play; you're exhausted before you even get up in the morning, etc.

GoshAnneGorilla Thu 20-Feb-14 13:52:11

What Oldandcobwebby said.

I am stunned anyone is defending such crap behaviour, he shouldn't go to either.

Also, to who ever said you should stay with your Mum, why should your Mum have to pick up the slack while he has a jolly that will probably end in shagging some poor, trafficked woman?

ENormaSnob Thu 20-Feb-14 13:52:41

Beat you horatia grin

Dc1 4 hours from first twinge
Dc2 2 hours
Dc3 6 hours
Dc4 34minutes

How would you feel if he missed it through his own selfishness? Not something i would get over in a hurry tbh.

BackforGood Thu 20-Feb-14 13:58:04

I think the combination of the distance he would be away (at the wedding) and the fact it is a 2nd baby so statistically likely to be a quicker labour) that would make me hesitate, but it would depend how important the wedding were to him - you've alluded to it being quite important. As someone else said, I don't get this "can't leave me alone" thing, presumably he will still be going off to work / out to get the shopping in / etc. when you are heavily pregnant.
dh went to his friend's wedding on the due date of our dc3 - really wasn't an issue.

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