to not want to give away/lend my baby stuff?

(117 Posts)
Imforeverwashingbottles Tue 18-Feb-14 20:55:44

DH and I brought our baby things for DS1 with the intention of using them for more than one baby and with them being the things DS1 used they have great sentimental value. SIL has just announced that she is pregnant with dc1. Before I even knew she was pregnant MIL has said to her that I would give her my baby things that she has left to get, including my crib, changing table, unisex baby clothes that are all in really good condition. I don't think I am BU to not want to give them to her outright as we will hopefully need them again in the not to distant future.

I would lend them to her, however she has a history of borrowing things and never giving them back, I'm also worried that if she does give them back they wont come back in good condition as she doesn't look after her own things. MIL has said that she will arrange for my FIL to drive down in his pickup truck to collect the things (I haven't even said yes to her!) they live a few hours drive away and I am worried that they will get damaged during the journey.

To make matters worse, my DM brought us the crib, its a lovely gliding crib and she has said outright that she does not want the crib to go to SIL for the reasons above.

MIL is lovely and we usually get on really well, but I am pissed off that she has offered up OUR things. I have no idea how to tell her that I don't want to lend them to her and I don't want to cause a fallout but I also do not want to buy these things again. I also feel like such a bitch to deprive a new family of the things they need.

WIBU to just agree to give her the unisex clothes MIL brought us?

thegreatgatsby101 Tue 25-Feb-14 13:21:48

Yes. You're right. That's EXACTLY what I said.

ReadyToPopAndFresh Sat 22-Feb-14 18:53:47

greatgatsby please, tell us what we are allowed to be sentimental about? hmm

Since the rest of the world is only allowed to have the same emotions as you

MummytoMog Sat 22-Feb-14 17:24:34

My SiL (now ex) gave away all the stuff I lent her. I was livid. BiL is now embarassedly trying to get some of it back as I am 9 weeks pregnant with an unexpected DC3. Never lend anything unless it's to your best friend.

imissredwine Sat 22-Feb-14 17:01:56

Same here, although we've finished making babies. I have a 12 wo, theirs is 6wo.

My bil and sil keep mentioning how we can give them the cot/ car seat/ clothes etc as our dd grows out of them. Not asking.

I have other friends who I like and see more that id prefer to help out. I dislike the assumption and air of self entitlement.

DarkTherapy Sat 22-Feb-14 14:24:52

SIL doesn't 'need' any of those items. She will likely get clothes gifted once baby is here. As for other items I have never had a changing table or crib/moses basket for any of my three children and managed fine. We just bought a cot - which you could probably get for less than two (presume your FIL will be bringing your stuff back eventually?) lots of round trip petrol costs.

bochead Sat 22-Feb-14 14:07:24

People wait until they have finished their own families before passing on stuff, especially the high ticket items like the crib and the pushchair etc. (Poorer families then sell on what they can of their baby stuff to fund school shoes instead of giving it away!).

Tell your MIL & SIL that when you are DONE breeding you'll be happy to pass stuff on, but that time is not yet. Just as you had to provide for your pfb, so will she and her partner. SIL sounds very entitled and it'll do her the world of good to have fund the purchase of a big ticket item or two for herself, if nothing else she's more likely to take care of it!

Do tell your father in law directly that there is no haul of baby equipment for him to collect, so he doesn't end up out of pocket on the petrol money.

Orangeisthenewbanana Sat 22-Feb-14 13:56:39

Thank you for starting this thread! My SIL/BIL are expecting twins in May (they already have a 2yo) and I've been feeling like a selfish cow as I really don't want to lend them a lot of stuff we are keeping for when we hopefully have another. I know it would probably help them out a bit financially but you just can't guarantee that anything in close proximity to a newborn won't be destroyed by a poo explosion! There are also things that I think are fine for 2 kids but not more than that (car seats, mattresses, most clothes look a bit sad after 2 children have had good use of them) and I do not want to be in the position where we are having to fork out again for these not-exactly-cheap things because they have been ruined/lost or because of safety recommendations.

I do plan to offer to lend them the Moses basket & stand we got off EBay (but not the mattress/sheets) and give them any clothes that I don't mind not getting back - though it may be irrelevant depending on the sex of the babies!

Robfordscrack Sat 22-Feb-14 13:39:49

maybe mil is out of line and they don't actually want your stuff?

Inertia Sat 22-Feb-14 12:59:42

And also in our family, nobody demanded anything from us.

Inertia Sat 22-Feb-14 12:59:18

GreatGatsby, it's not just a few vests though- it's all the baby equipment and all the clothes which OP and OP's family have bought and looked after, and which the OP plans to use again when she has more children. Why should the OP and her family spend a fortune on equipment to pass on to SIL (who has a history of breaking/ not returning lent items) and then go and have to buy all the same stuff again for her second baby?

In our family stuff gets passed on too. My children are among the oldest so we had a lot of stuff to pass on- but we waited until we'd completed our family because we knew we'd need it .

RaspberryRuffle Sat 22-Feb-14 12:46:54

OP, just tell your MIL no, as soon as possible don't put it off or chicken out. If SIL hasn't had a scan yet she will have plenty of time. You REALLY need to tell MIL NOW that you are not lending your stuff to SIL. NO excuses about the crib going to someone else or lending it to a friend. You are attached to this stuff and hope one day to use it again yourself.
I know what it's likek having trouble saying no to people, and being a people pleaser. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your future child. Do it to avoid resentment building up against your husband in a few years when "his sister" has kept/ruined/sold you PFB's things that you might want for PSB or PTB. And the damage can't be reversed. Do it because you are not the doormat they believe you to be. Go on. Your heart will hammer in your chest but you'll be soooo proud of yourself afterwards.

brokenhearted55a Sat 22-Feb-14 12:06:15

I dont get why the op.is so scared to offend either.

I would be telling MIL to get off her arse and buy HER daughter a crib and furniture for the baby. With a pick up truck etc they aren't poor.

I would feel as the DIL that I was deemed as ess important as her own daughter. What is the ops husband doing? He can tell his mother and sister to do one.

TidyDancer Sat 22-Feb-14 12:01:51

I would give the clothes away, but not the big items. But given that your MIL has offered these things without even checking with you or DH, I wouldn't judge you if you said no to everything.

I would assume she meant well, but even so these aren't her belongings to offer up.

Pimpf Sat 22-Feb-14 11:42:43

Why make excuses, just tell them no, standup for yourself.

As others have said, why are your feeling less important than hers?

zipzap Sat 22-Feb-14 11:07:36

Tell MIL, SIL and FIL separately that you're not going to lend them anything as you need to keep it for yourselves. Furthermore if fil turns up with a van to collect it, he'll be going home empty handed - and that they should use the petrol money they would have spent on towards buying new or nearly new stuff.

Better still get dh to do it and if he wasn't there when mil told you, maybe he could go in with a brisk 'imforeverwashingbottles' has this ridiculous notion that you're demanding all our baby stuff for sil. I've told her that you're not that crazy especially when you know we want another one soon and couldn't afford to buy new stuff again if sil was still using it'...

Would the threat of waiting longer for another gc have any impact?

Pimpf Sat 22-Feb-14 10:02:10

Don't you love it when people only see the bits they want to see

IDontDoIroning Sat 22-Feb-14 09:07:58

Thegrestgatsby she's not talking about a few vests it's all her stuff including some really nice and expensive items (wonder why mil/sil want them hmmm)
Any anyway just because YOU didn't mind doing it (although I do wonder if you were no 1 in the chain or further down ) doesn't mean SHE shouldn't mind doing it.

The greatgatsby, it isn't daft it's how she feels. A lot of people do feel this way about very small things.

Op you could get them made into a blanket? I meant to. Still in a box. Time has meant I'm less attached and my box has gone down 3 sizes to just the very key things now.

I also don't have room now she's bigger either. There's tons of other stuff to keep!

MaryWestmacott Sat 22-Feb-14 07:36:56

Thegreatgadsby, I don't understand your view, so the one with the first dc pays for everything, then everyone else gets to use and ruin it, so when they have their next dcs the first couple who bought everything has to buy it all again? The issue isn't over a fiver pack of vests, but crib and all the baby equipment, and she's not finished her family, and SIL has a habit of destroying lent items, in the ops case I wouldn't lend things because I know I'd need to replace them all when dc2 came along. Rather different to handing over stuff you won't use again.

Say no. We were told we were nuts to keep after dd1 (now 3). But dd2 came along quite quick and the stuff was all washable/cleanable and what wasn't we then sorted and gave what didn't work to charity.

I was very connected to some stuff too. I'm not this time. No1 is quite different to no2 time. Both lovely just very different experiences.

Good luck, say no!

brettgirl2 Sat 22-Feb-14 07:29:50

OP you need to understand what is going on here. mil is treating you all like children. sil is obviously used to this as she clearly behaves like a child. I call it being 'organised' and it drives me mad. If mil is nice she will understand. If not you have underestimated her niceness.

You say no, WE want to keep them. End of. I wouldn't say about another baby because it is none of their business.

thegreatgatsby101 Sat 22-Feb-14 07:12:53

I don't really get it.
Within our family we pass things along/around to each other. If things get stained or ruined, well that's how it goes.

It's wrong for your MIL to assume, but I think passing things along is a lovely thing to do for a child that will be your niece or nephew.

I think it's a bit daft to be sentimental over a few vests and sleep suits tbh.

IDontDoIroning Sat 22-Feb-14 06:29:11

It's really up to you.
You have to weigh up
A- the upset to sil now by saying "no I'm keeping all my baby things"
Or
B your upset when you need your things back and they are either ruined, broken, sold or sil hasn't finished with them so you have to buy new

Which is more important to you your feelings or sils?

SilverOldie Thu 20-Feb-14 13:39:15

What about putting all the items away and telling MIL/SIL that you have already loaned them to a friend?

That way it won't start a big row and your things are safely tucked away for your next baby.

MaryWestmacott Thu 20-Feb-14 13:04:45

I agree with the others, you should say something now, otherwise what will happen is when it gets closer to her due date and when they then ask for them and you say no, the story within the family will be that you let them down, not that you never said you'd lend it in the first place. The fall out from that will be much larger than saying no now.

Do not put it off, putting off this sort of conversation makes it worse when you do have it.

The fact that SIL is likely to be a bit of a drama llama if you might 'upstage' her by having another baby, then you could use that, say something to her like "I really didn't want to tell MIL that we're trying for another baby because I thought she'd get all excited and it might overshadow your baby, and it really wouldn't be fair for us to do anything that might look like we're trying to upstage you, so you see we don't want to lend out our baby things because we don't know when we'll need them back. I think it's best we keep this between us and just tell your mum you don't want to borrow them, I really want to keep all the family focus on your little baby, so exciting that DC1 will have a cousin!!"

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