to not want to give away/lend my baby stuff?(117 Posts)
DH and I brought our baby things for DS1 with the intention of using them for more than one baby and with them being the things DS1 used they have great sentimental value. SIL has just announced that she is pregnant with dc1. Before I even knew she was pregnant MIL has said to her that I would give her my baby things that she has left to get, including my crib, changing table, unisex baby clothes that are all in really good condition. I don't think I am BU to not want to give them to her outright as we will hopefully need them again in the not to distant future.
I would lend them to her, however she has a history of borrowing things and never giving them back, I'm also worried that if she does give them back they wont come back in good condition as she doesn't look after her own things. MIL has said that she will arrange for my FIL to drive down in his pickup truck to collect the things (I haven't even said yes to her!) they live a few hours drive away and I am worried that they will get damaged during the journey.
To make matters worse, my DM brought us the crib, its a lovely gliding crib and she has said outright that she does not want the crib to go to SIL for the reasons above.
MIL is lovely and we usually get on really well, but I am pissed off that she has offered up OUR things. I have no idea how to tell her that I don't want to lend them to her and I don't want to cause a fallout but I also do not want to buy these things again. I also feel like such a bitch to deprive a new family of the things they need.
WIBU to just agree to give her the unisex clothes MIL brought us?
Thegrestgatsby she's not talking about a few vests it's all her stuff including some really nice and expensive items (wonder why mil/sil want them hmmm)
Any anyway just because YOU didn't mind doing it (although I do wonder if you were no 1 in the chain or further down ) doesn't mean SHE shouldn't mind doing it.
Don't you love it when people only see the bits they want to see
Tell MIL, SIL and FIL separately that you're not going to lend them anything as you need to keep it for yourselves. Furthermore if fil turns up with a van to collect it, he'll be going home empty handed - and that they should use the petrol money they would have spent on towards buying new or nearly new stuff.
Better still get dh to do it and if he wasn't there when mil told you, maybe he could go in with a brisk 'imforeverwashingbottles' has this ridiculous notion that you're demanding all our baby stuff for sil. I've told her that you're not that crazy especially when you know we want another one soon and couldn't afford to buy new stuff again if sil was still using it'...
Would the threat of waiting longer for another gc have any impact?
Why make excuses, just tell them no, standup for yourself.
As others have said, why are your feeling less important than hers?
I would give the clothes away, but not the big items. But given that your MIL has offered these things without even checking with you or DH, I wouldn't judge you if you said no to everything.
I would assume she meant well, but even so these aren't her belongings to offer up.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
OP, just tell your MIL no, as soon as possible
don't put it off or chicken out. If SIL hasn't had a scan yet she will have plenty of time. You REALLY need to tell MIL NOW that you are not lending your stuff to SIL. NO excuses about the crib going to someone else or lending it to a friend. You are attached to this stuff and hope one day to use it again yourself.
I know what it's likek having trouble saying no to people, and being a people pleaser. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your future child. Do it to avoid resentment building up against your husband in a few years when "his sister" has kept/ruined/sold you PFB's things that you might want for PSB or PTB. And the damage can't be reversed. Do it because you are not the doormat they believe you to be. Go on. Your heart will hammer in your chest but you'll be soooo proud of yourself afterwards.
GreatGatsby, it's not just a few vests though- it's all the baby equipment and all the clothes which OP and OP's family have bought and looked after, and which the OP plans to use again when she has more children. Why should the OP and her family spend a fortune on equipment to pass on to SIL (who has a history of breaking/ not returning lent items) and then go and have to buy all the same stuff again for her second baby?
In our family stuff gets passed on too. My children are among the oldest so we had a lot of stuff to pass on- but we waited until we'd completed our family because we knew we'd need it .
And also in our family, nobody demanded anything from us.
maybe mil is out of line and they don't actually want your stuff?
Thank you for starting this thread! My SIL/BIL are expecting twins in May (they already have a 2yo) and I've been feeling like a selfish cow as I really don't want to lend them a lot of stuff we are keeping for when we hopefully have another. I know it would probably help them out a bit financially but you just can't guarantee that anything in close proximity to a newborn won't be destroyed by a poo explosion! There are also things that I think are fine for 2 kids but not more than that (car seats, mattresses, most clothes look a bit sad after 2 children have had good use of them) and I do not want to be in the position where we are having to fork out again for these not-exactly-cheap things because they have been ruined/lost or because of safety recommendations.
I do plan to offer to lend them the Moses basket & stand we got off EBay (but not the mattress/sheets) and give them any clothes that I don't mind not getting back - though it may be irrelevant depending on the sex of the babies!
People wait until they have finished their own families before passing on stuff, especially the high ticket items like the crib and the pushchair etc. (Poorer families then sell on what they can of their baby stuff to fund school shoes instead of giving it away!).
Tell your MIL & SIL that when you are DONE breeding you'll be happy to pass stuff on, but that time is not yet. Just as you had to provide for your pfb, so will she and her partner. SIL sounds very entitled and it'll do her the world of good to have fund the purchase of a big ticket item or two for herself, if nothing else she's more likely to take care of it!
Do tell your father in law directly that there is no haul of baby equipment for him to collect, so he doesn't end up out of pocket on the petrol money.
SIL doesn't 'need' any of those items. She will likely get clothes gifted once baby is here. As for other items I have never had a changing table or crib/moses basket for any of my three children and managed fine. We just bought a cot - which you could probably get for less than two (presume your FIL will be bringing your stuff back eventually?) lots of round trip petrol costs.
Same here, although we've finished making babies. I have a 12 wo, theirs is 6wo.
My bil and sil keep mentioning how we can give them the cot/ car seat/ clothes etc as our dd grows out of them. Not asking.
I have other friends who I like and see more that id prefer to help out. I dislike the assumption and air of self entitlement.
My SiL (now ex) gave away all the stuff I lent her. I was livid. BiL is now embarassedly trying to get some of it back as I am 9 weeks pregnant with an unexpected DC3. Never lend anything unless it's to your best friend.
greatgatsby please, tell us what we are allowed to be sentimental about?
Since the rest of the world is only allowed to have the same emotions as you
Yes. You're right. That's EXACTLY what I said.
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