to not want to give away/lend my baby stuff?(117 Posts)
DH and I brought our baby things for DS1 with the intention of using them for more than one baby and with them being the things DS1 used they have great sentimental value. SIL has just announced that she is pregnant with dc1. Before I even knew she was pregnant MIL has said to her that I would give her my baby things that she has left to get, including my crib, changing table, unisex baby clothes that are all in really good condition. I don't think I am BU to not want to give them to her outright as we will hopefully need them again in the not to distant future.
I would lend them to her, however she has a history of borrowing things and never giving them back, I'm also worried that if she does give them back they wont come back in good condition as she doesn't look after her own things. MIL has said that she will arrange for my FIL to drive down in his pickup truck to collect the things (I haven't even said yes to her!) they live a few hours drive away and I am worried that they will get damaged during the journey.
To make matters worse, my DM brought us the crib, its a lovely gliding crib and she has said outright that she does not want the crib to go to SIL for the reasons above.
MIL is lovely and we usually get on really well, but I am pissed off that she has offered up OUR things. I have no idea how to tell her that I don't want to lend them to her and I don't want to cause a fallout but I also do not want to buy these things again. I also feel like such a bitch to deprive a new family of the things they need.
WIBU to just agree to give her the unisex clothes MIL brought us?
This is the perfect time for a MN favourite.
No is a complete sentence. Don't be bullied and keep your stuff if you don't want to lend it.
She'll be able to pick most things up very cheaply 2nd hand.
Tell her about Nct sales, netmums listings and eBay!!
Do not feel pressured to lend/give them.
Tell SIL that obviously you don't want to count your chickens before they hatch but you are planning more children yourself and that MIL mustn't have realised this.
You don't have to give her any of the stuff. What a fucking liberty!!!
Don't go through MIL, contact SIL directly and explain that you are planning to have more children and as a result you won't be dishing out your stuff to her or to anyone else.
Hopefully she is a bit more reasonable than MIL?
If not, get DH to tell them both to back off.
Does MIl have form for this kind of stunt? If so, what does DH have to say about it? I hope he stands up for you?
Say no...."We think we're having another and want them safe...so no"
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Tell them no it won't be happening, I would outline why as well but I'm a cow.
Won't it cost FIL more in petrol than buying them 2nd hand locally?
Def don't give in to pressure. I found it hard giving away the dc's things and I'm not even sure I want any more!
She shouldn't have offered up any of your baby items. I'd be pissed off if I were you
Can you get DH to have a word with her? It doesn't have to turn into a row, he just needs to explain that you want to keep them for future use. They are yours to keep and yours to offer up to other people, not her place to do so.
Agree with the above. Just don't lend them Say no and change the subject. Trust in your decision and don't doubt it. You're not being a horrible person - they're your things.
And your mil is incredibly rude to promise it all to them
Cheeky mare! I agree, just tell them no, mil was obviously mistaken. You don't need to give a reason
I would just say to your SIL that you're really sorry but you don't know when you'll need them and wouldn't she feel better having her own things to keep?
Just ring up your MIL and tell her that you udnerstand why she thought it would be ok but it's your stuff and you might need it again/it has sentimental value.
I wonder how she'd feel if you did the same with her property and your siblings/family!!?
For all the reasons already stated the answer is no. Your mil is a cheeky cow to offer up stuff that isn't hers!
YAsoNBU. My sister leant her baby stuff to a friend and it came back in an appalling condition with bits missing and covered in mould and stains. No no and no. It is not your mil's decision as it is your things not hers.
I'd speak to sil directly and explain you want to keep your stuff for future babies but you were planning on spending X amount on a baby present and what would she find most useful? Or give her baby clothes you don't particularly like and wouldn't use again.
Just explain that you're saving them for your next baby!
Please do not be bullied.....
Maybe your SIL doesn't even want to borrow them! Maybe she would enjoy shopping for her own style of things and feels that she can't say no either!
^^ all of this.
I'd also be tempted to put everything in storage/at a friend's house so mil couldn't sneak bags of baby clothes out if your house!
Quietly take SIL to one side, say you don't want to say anything to MIL as she'll get all excited, but you're going to be trying for another baby "soon-ish" and don't want to lend your things out as you'll probably need to ask for them back before SIL has finished using them, so she might as well get something herself first, but that you'd rather she didn't tell her mum because it took a while to get pregnant last time round, it could take a long time this time round and you don't want to feel like a watched pot...
YANBU at all to want to keep your baby things, you certainly aren't a bitch.
MIL is being beyond cheeky. Why should you have to provide SIL furniture and clothing for her baby?
If MIL is usually lovely then explain to her that you cannot lend your things as you are hoping to use them yourself soon. If she kicks off let your DH deal with her.
Thanks everyone for your replies, you've made me feel loads better about this!
Hampton - I havn't ever been massively keen on my SIL, she can be a bit of a brat so I probably wont be able to have a reasonable chat with her. I think she will probably be really pissed off if we wont lend her the stuff she needs. DH has said he does not want the stuff to go to her. He has offered to sort it out but he is away with work at the moment with limited communication so I told him I would sort it as I want him to use his talktime on speaking to me! MIL is lovely but often doesn't think before she says things.
katese11 - I did wonder about the petrol, I think the total cost of all of the things she wants would just about outweigh the petrol, some of the other "little" things she's offered up were quite expensive to buy eg the carrier.
I think I will just have to say no next time MIL brings it up.
Sorry if I am drip feeding, I'm not a very regular poster!
You are absolutely not being unreasonable. You need to make it clear this isn't happening.
It's a bit different if your family is complete but perfectly reasonable to keep things nice and almost new for your second.
My SIL borrowed our stuff. Crib got battered, stair gates got broken and I had to buy new ones. Clothes ruined with stains. Unless you don't need the stuff just say sorry no.
I would probably say to MIL that you are hoping to need the stuff again yourself shortly so you'd rather not. However easier said that done as I felt bad saying no. And DS2 didn't notice the crib was a bit battered .
Crib perhaps you can say that it was bought by your mother and she has promised it to the DGC of a friend of hers due at the same time.
YANBU to want to keep your things. Just say no. Or if you feel you must give a reason tell them you're planning another dc in the near future and will need the things yourself.
It might be that your SIL has no intension of asking for them and your MIL has jumped the gun.
Either way its your property don't let MIL steamroller you into giving/lending to your SIL if you don't want to.
'No, we will not be giving them or loaning them out.' Over and over and over.
'Because they are our things.' 'No, doesn't work for us, these things have a lot of sentimental value to us.'
'Maybe to you, but not to us. No.'
NO, NO, NO! NO 'sorry', no excuses. You have nothing to apologise for.
Agree with all of the above - have had so many headaches with this myself, SIL is very much the 'entitled' type! If you have some bits and pieces that you're not so fussed about I would put these together, plus add a nice new outfit / toy to 'help out' - anyone reasonable would be pleased with that and not expect you it kit them out completely with your carefully chosen, much-loved (and still needed!) stuff. BTW - my SIL sold everything we'd lent her, even though she knew we wanted more children - if you do lend, be very clear that you expect it back (if you do!) - good luck! X
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