not to tgo out with my mum

(82 Posts)
LEMmingaround Tue 18-Feb-14 13:15:38

Its half term. Dd wants to do beach walk with our dogs. My mother called wanting me to go with her to pet shop. Its a long walk but dd doesn't want to traipse around shops while my mother whines about her bad back. Sinuses etc. I want the time with dd. I have offereg for my dp to collect the dog food. She was fine when she called eralier but because dd didnt want to do that all of a sudden she is breathless and telling me how she has to go to bank shops etc and take her dog out because id left it too late. I normally take her dog out at lunch time so its not late. I feel like shit but just cant face it.

LEMmingaround Fri 21-Feb-14 18:20:09

Well, that was an interesting day - i went out with my friend and her children. My mum phoned and was obviously pissed off, then at lunch time a phone call, i needed to go and sort the dog out as he had shit stuck to his backside hmm I told her to put him in the garden and i'd go round later. Had a lovely lunch with friend, she could see i was agitated so she dropped me at my mums and waited out side while i sorted the dogs shitty backside out - en route my mum rang, saying she needed to take the dog to the vet because he was in such a bad way - well by this time i was outside her house. Yeah he was in a mess and there was plenty of poo - think 60k dog with hair like an afghan hound hmm Cleaned him up and went up to friends house, was there a few hours and the phone rang again - she was in a right state saying she couldnt get through to the doctors - i just told her to walk straight down there, luckily they got her an appointment with the practice nurse, my friend dropped me off and my mum was in a real state, crying and shaking etc and rubbing at her ears - I told the nurse she couldnt be left like this over the weekend and thankfully her doctor came and prescribed some diazepam (and jokingly told me not to "borrow" them) She has at least taken them and hopefully is feeling less upset - she was in full on panic attack mode. Fortunately she was being nice (for a change).

So will wait to see what the weekend brings - because i was at my friends all day i felt relaxed and dealt with it better, but i said to my friend this morning when my mum rang and i said i was out with a friend that there would be drama, i wasn't wrong!

Heres hoping the diazepam knocks her out for a bit!

Hissy Fri 21-Feb-14 19:29:18

She did all that because you were out with a friend.

Let her sort her own dog's shitty bottom out -ffs--.

Leave your mobile at home next time. She isn't infirm, she is doing this on purpose.

Let the social services/dr/whoever deal with her. She won't play them up.

LEMmingaround Sun 23-Feb-14 11:39:57

Well things hve been quiet so far, yesterday she called me while i was out and was crying down the phone - i told her to take the diazepam and lie down, i was just waiting for our dinner to be served in a cafe with dp and dd. So of course i couldnt relax and went straight round, she was snoozing on the sofa, not taken the diazepam because it gave her a headache.

This morning - five missed calls on my mobile at 8.30, i called her back and all i got was "what" then when i asked her what the matter was it was "nothing, nothings the matter" and the phone put down. I'm not ringing her back!

I don't know how i am gonig to get through until wednesday.

WHY do i keep pandering? There was another thread on here i have just read and it was like reading abotu my life - threats to contact SS etc when DD1 was young (i was a single parent) because i went out with someone (a woman, just friends) she didn't like hmm This was just one example. Lucky for me she liked my DP because i daresay she would have scuppered that. I went to university when DD1 was at primary school and my parents did all the childcare (i now realise this ws my DF because she has only ever looked after DD2 less than the amount of fingers i have on one hand and she is 8 now - DD1 is 23) But there were constant threats of not being able to look after DD1 if i didn't do things the way she wanted, i can't even remember what - but i lost count of the times i thought i would have to drop out of uni.

My head is all over the place, i know i am just going round in circles over and over and must be boring you all senseless, but i am trying to get my head round things.

I don't know if i am overdramatising etc and being narcisistic myself and making it all about me - which is why i haven't really engaged with the stately homes thing, don't think its a place for me - i wasn't abused as a child.

Hissy Sun 23-Feb-14 12:03:40

Please STOP being constantly available to her!

Leave your mobile at home, or switch it off for some peace and quiet.

Stop running around there everytime she squeaks. Tell her to take the meds, or if they don't agree with her for her to go to the drs and change it.

It's not rocket science, she really can manage her own life.

Remember she told you that she wanted nothing to do with you only a couple of days ago.

Take her at her word and show her consequences of her vile behaviour. Perhaps it'd make her think before opening her mouth next time...

Hissy Sun 23-Feb-14 12:06:34

You were manipulated, and trained to be her narc supply.

It's not all about physical abuse in stately homes, it's about dysfunction.

Your situation is the very definition of dysfunction.

Dysfunctional childhoods damage children the same way 'abuse' does. The relationship you have doesn't make you happy, and she is terrorising your family life.

Hissy Sun 23-Feb-14 12:08:18

Oh btw, you are not narcissistic. If you were, you'd not think you were! ;-)

The self evaluation and reflection is cast iron proof of this.

Narcs don't evaluate themselves and find themselves wanting...

MrsHappyBee Sun 23-Feb-14 12:20:09

OP Ive been following this thread and totally sympathise with you. You talk about feeling guilty if you don't help your mother. My DM is similar, I really identity with her spoiling any enjoyment you might be having, phoning and making you feel on edge.
It took me a long time to 'uncondition' myself, but I have managed it and it has improved my life enormously.
I don't know why people say "She's your mother!" if it was a husband/partner being so manipulative and abusing they'd shout LTB.
Keep asking yourself would you treat your DC like this, if the answer is no then don't allow your mother to do it to you.
You aren't responsible for your mother's depression and won't be able to make her better. Like other posters have said you need to distance yourself. It sounds as though your DH is getting fed up with it, do you really want to risk ruining you relationship to appease your mother? She won't give a toss if your marriage ends.
Do you want to spend the next 20 years feeling like this?

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