to think that telling a child is Shut Up on a regular basis is bad parenting?

(71 Posts)
Wishyouwould Tue 18-Feb-14 08:28:50

My STBXH often told me to shut up. He didn't and still doesn't think there is anything wrong with it.

When my 10yr old son told me to Shut Up (I chastised him for saying it but he didn't see a problem - 'Why not say it to you, Dad does?) I was beyond upset.

I know that my EX tells our children to Shut Up. Last night my DD phoned wanting to come home because her Dad had shouted at her and told her to Shut Up again. Am I over reacting to be so upset that this is how he speaks to our DC?

mathanxiety Tue 18-Feb-14 18:21:23

More than the daily nightmare that is...

mathanxiety Tue 18-Feb-14 18:20:35

DomesticSlobess, I had upstairs neighbours like that last year. They had two boys, aged 4 and 3, and when they cried (which was a lot) all you could hear from the parents was shouts of 'Shut the fuck up', repeated over and over until the poor children stopped. One night about 1 am I heard the mother shouting at one of the children who was probably having a nightmare 'Shut the fuck up and get the fuck back into bed'.

MistressDeeCee Tue 18-Feb-14 18:19:34

I think I have a particular hatred to it because it was something that made me feel so belittled by my EX. If I said something he didn't like he would say it very aggressively to me, often in front of our DC and even in front of his own Mum

This is aggression, and its about far more than telling specific people to 'shut up'. This is whats hurting the OP and I don't see why there's a need to point out that children need to be told to shut up at times. The 2 situations do not correlate.

MistressDeeCee Tue 18-Feb-14 18:15:51

thinking yes, that's what struck me, it doesn't sound balanced at all, ex sounds very aggressive.

thinking101 Tue 18-Feb-14 18:10:33

We'll yes the thread has discussed context and how shut up is actually said in wider sense in relation to posters experiences also.

It doesn't sound balanced the way the op's ex use the phrase.

MistressDeeCee Tue 18-Feb-14 18:07:21

I thought this thread was about a child and mother constantly being told to shut up, and she and children feeling dreadful about it?

thinking101 Tue 18-Feb-14 18:04:04

If you have a talker and don't tell the to stop/quiet/shut up then you are teaching by omission to sound like or even become one those self absorbed people people on here complain about.

I tell min to be stop and listen as sometimes shut up as he is a big talker" your response should be tailored to the individual child.

I don't allow him to interrupt. After I finish my convo with another parent say on way home from school I then say right NOW tell me all about your day...

MistressDeeCee Tue 18-Feb-14 17:57:51

Its horrible to keep telling a child to shut up. Its cutting off their voice. Also teaching them that they, and what they have to say aren't important/are a nuisance. Always annoys me when adults treat children in a way theyd absolutely hate being treated themselves.

HoratiaDrelincourt Tue 18-Feb-14 17:24:33

My 5yo thinks it's swearing. I also have an aversion to the word "stupid" as it used to be shrieked at me by (otherwise very mild-mannered) DM.

STBXH sounds like a twat. Doesn't he care that he's upsetting his child?

Wishyouwould Tue 18-Feb-14 16:32:32

Thanks for the replies. Sorry didn't realise there had been a recent similar thread.

I think I have a particular hatred to it because it was something that made me feel so belittled by my EX. If I said something he didn't like he would say it very aggressively to me, often in front of our DC and even in front of his own Mum.

It's something that I brought up at our Relate counselling so he knows how much it has affected me. It is also included in my divorce petition for unreasonable behaviour, my solicitor has citied it as verbal abuse and not an acceptable way to speak to anyone.

I am so disappointed that he is continuing to tell our DC to shut up, this is not something I want them to think of as a normal thing to say to people but what can I do?

DomesticSlobbess Tue 18-Feb-14 14:21:28

YANBU. We have neighbours with a 3yr old. When the child is crying all I can hear is the dad shouting "STOP! STOP!" which then turns to "SHUT UP! SHUT UP!" repeatedly. The 3yr old continues crying so it obviously doesn't work! It's horrible to hear.

wonderingsoul 'im ignoring you now. when you can talk to me nicely/stop jumping up and d own" we can talk..'

I think that's fine, you've given a consequence of ds2's whiney strop and an explanation that you'll talk when he behaves in an appropriate manner.

PoirotsMoustache Tue 18-Feb-14 14:15:59

I've only ever said that a total of 4 times in my DS's 7.5 years, and one of those times was completely accidental. Each time I've apologised because it's a horrible thing to say and because I said it out of anger.

To say it regularly and deliberately is just not right.

wonderingsoul Your example is completely different and not dismissive. It's a technique more than anything.

TheGirlFromIpanema Tue 18-Feb-14 13:45:54

I remember my mum turning the radio off at that song shuddupayaface in the 70/80's as it was considered swearing by her hmm

She has many strange thoughts like this though, and my own dc enjoy a far less straight-laced childhood than I did.

wonderingsoul Tue 18-Feb-14 13:33:25

i wonder what you think of "im ignoring you now"
that just as dismissive ?

when ds2 whines or is throwing a strop i try to clam him/distract but if hes really on one. i clamly say.. "thats it, im ignoring you now. when you can talk to me nicely/stop jumping up and d own" we can talk..

then really just ignore him. it normally works. snaps him out of it.

is that classed the same as shut up?

DavidHarewoodsFloozy Tue 18-Feb-14 12:48:56

Yanbu it does sound aggresive when said to a child.Especially very little ones.

I go with please be quiet/or that is enough.
none of which work

My dd thinks calling someone stupid is swearinggrin
but happily asked me what twat meant in a packed cafe.
-- from school or she,s a secret MNetter--

One of my cousins had a horribly verbally abuse 'stepdad' when he was a young kid(9-11), who constantly told him to shut-up utterwanker, he stopped talking for a year sad until my Aunt LTB.

It,s just really dismissive, SHUT UP, I,d rather have a full on.hooley than be told to shutup.
But I will watch with interest, on how you all achieve a bit of quiet lifeis one long running commentry with dd nothing works for me.

thinking101 Tue 18-Feb-14 12:11:55

stooshe yep I shk or from the hip too! I will tell my ds if he sounds!looks or behaves stupidly or makes a stupid decision.

I separate the action from the person. He is told plenty enough when he makes us proud/achieves etc too and is rewarded with praise or on some occasions a gift.

Balance and fairness. Tbh I can't stand pussy putting around a problem, some people are too scared to upset there kids and thus let them run around the coffee shop like wild loons. Then they wonder why their children never sit nice like that other families.

However the OP would intimates a picture that is repeated and maybe the ex does not listen have time for his kids is different, like I said context. But whatever went down her dd rang didn't she as she wasn't happy.

Burma Tue 18-Feb-14 12:08:52

Oh well yes of course they will hear if there is cake in the offing Artandco! It's all the other requests that are met with complete indifference.

I often think that the phone acts as some kind of accelerator for crap behaviour, they know you are trapped on it the little toads.

EatShitDerek Tue 18-Feb-14 12:06:35

I was told to shut up and my son gets told to shut up. No harm done.

You can say "be quiet" scarier and worse than you can say shut up. It all means the same thing, its how it is said that matters.

thinking101 Tue 18-Feb-14 12:05:33

No one should be play so loudly....mind boggle what sort of DC's do you have? Sounds oppressive

stooshe Tue 18-Feb-14 12:05:07

I've said it and not in desperation. No qualms or crying in the dark about it from me. Furthermore, if somebody is stupid and assertive with it, I will call that behaviour out in the clearest way possible....AFTER I have explained time and again and listened to moaning about a certain consistent behaviour reaping certain consistent unwanted results. I'll say without guilt "you're stupid" or the better one "you're a fool".
Some people need to be told for their own sakes, especially if they are dependant on you for instruction.
I haven't sent anybody to the Maudsley because of it.

eightandthreequarters Tue 18-Feb-14 12:03:38

I've said it when I really, really need them to be quiet (important phone call) and they WILL NOT despite repeated polite requests. Doesn't happen often - two or three times/year? - and never happened before they hit the tweens, but does ever happen.

Artandco Tue 18-Feb-14 12:03:34

I do actually, only boys. Even at the weekend when there was 6 of them playing when friends over they managed perfectly well to hear cake was ready and answered any questions thrown their way. I'm probably the big old meany then, but even in woods in the middle of no where I wouldn't expect anyone to run around screaming heads off beyond being heard. If dhs playing his guitar I wouldn't just shout at him, I would go up to him, And say something nicely.

Different strokes for different folks and all that I suppose

thinking101 Tue 18-Feb-14 12:03:01

burma thank you. I'm at a particularly low point today.

There was an occasion recently I was giving him an instruction related to safety, he was inches away. I ended up yanking him into place as he just didn't listen then act.

I am currently not speaking to him and leaving DH to it.

WandaDoff Tue 18-Feb-14 12:01:51

I have been known to tell my children to shut up.

Its usually after a long period of shushing & polite requests to be quiet though. Certainly not my first response, it'll take a bit of provocation.

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