PIL Issue. Need some perspective.

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MNHQ have commented on this thread.

NameChangedForPILissue Mon 17-Feb-14 12:42:15

NC'd for obvious reasons.

PIL are very well off. Rich enough that MIL doesn't and has never worked. FIL earns a huge amount, and is unbelievably tight with it too (refuses to update 25 year old kitchen, 30 year old bathroom, won't buy MIL a new car even though hers is verging on dangerous, won't spend more than £10 per GC at christmas etc).

They are set to become millionaires with some inheritance that is probably due to come in the next year or two. For now they live on their £200k+ a year income with very little expenditure.

For the past 8 years, they have given us money every month to help with our living expenses. It began when DH was at university, before we met, and was the standard parents helping out a child at uni situation. DH always worked PT to top this up.

After leaving uni, DH wasn't able to get a job in his field and so has subsequently had to retrain, and is halfway through that process. This means he is earning low for now as he is studying whilst working so is essentially unskilled. In around 2 years, we hope he will be on a good salary. I am also on a relatively low wage.

We've been married since 2010, and since then they've given us £500 a month to help us out. Obviously, this is very generous and e appreciate this. SIL has had the same.

SIL no longer needs this, as her and her husband have now got high flying careers (lawyer and pilot) and no children, and do FIL has decided to stop all our payments.

We've just moved into a new home, and have a baby due in a few weeks. The timing could not be worse.

DH is so furious he wants to tell him we are cutting him out and never seeing him again. I don't know what to do - is he being selfish and awful? Or is it his money and we should be grateful for what we've had up until now?

purplebaubles Mon 17-Feb-14 12:45:44

£500 a month?! Wow. Just wow. I think you've been incredibly lucky. You should be very grateful for what you've had up until now.

If you're on low wages, no doubt you're entitled to WTC's. You'll also get child tax credits etc once baby is born. No offence, but I bet the tax office don't know you've been getting another £500 a month!!!! You should have been able to save some.

Your husband sounds spoilt and entitled tbh.

Peekingduck Mon 17-Feb-14 12:45:58

Obviously, unless they gave you an undertaking to continue these gifts for a stated period of time, your DH is being unreasonable.
And to consider cutting contact... is he charging the grandparents to see the grandchildren?

SuperScrimper Mon 17-Feb-14 12:47:38

Are you serious?!

They are 'unbelievably tight' yet have given you £500 a month for years....

It is not FIL who is selfish and awful. HTH.

HyvaPaiva Mon 17-Feb-14 12:48:07

shock

Peekingduck Mon 17-Feb-14 12:48:39

I suppose you could both go to visit the PIL and speak to them - nicely! - about this. Maybe ask if you could have a loan with a repayment plan to tide you over the change? Depends how your relationship is with them. But let's face it, you need to work out how to stand on your own two feet. I think you were very wrong to assume this subsidy would last forever, and possibly unwise in planning another pregnancy until you were financially independant.

ColaConkie Mon 17-Feb-14 12:48:42

Your husband sounds like a selfish, spoiled brat. He is being very unreasonable

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone Mon 17-Feb-14 12:48:50

Wowee.

Um yes I think you should be very, very grateful for what you've had from them over the years.

'Is it his money' - let me think. Yes. Yes it is. And I also think that despite your best efforts in your OP, your FIL does not in fact come across as 'unbelievably tight'.

I can understand why you're pissed off, did they give you much warning?

Suddenly being £500 down each month is horrendous, especially with a new baby on the way and presumably a mortgage?.

Yes it's his money of course but how does he think you're going to manage without it now?

SJisontheway Mon 17-Feb-14 12:49:26

They have been incredibly generous up to this point. I think cutting them out would be a massive over reaction.
If you really can't get by without this money and you are confident your fortunes will improve in the future, your dh could perhaps suggest a temporary loan to keep things ticking over. But bear in mind, you are not entitled to this money.

winterlace Mon 17-Feb-14 12:49:50

Sorry but I am also shock at this.

But if it is really leaving you in financial difficulties talking to them about this and making an arrangement is much less brat like more sensible than cutting them off.

NameChangedForPILissue Mon 17-Feb-14 12:50:24

He never made any indication that it would stop.

We aren't entitled to WTC or CTC.

We couldn't save as the money they gave us literally kept us afloat. We genuinely don't know how we will survive without this.

I know they've been generous, but I think DH issue is that we weren't given any warning. Just decided to stop.

Your DH wants to cut him off because he will no longer be giving you £500 per month. Wow!!

Seriously, tell your DH to grow up, grow a pair and not still rely on dadd for hand-outs! Your PIL have done your DH no favours by pandering to him and giving him money - they should have stopped years ago.

AngelaDaviesHair Mon 17-Feb-14 12:51:27

Of course, you have no entitlement to this money, it is simply a gift from PIL. But when someone does regular gifts that become a long-standing arrangement, it is pretty natural to come to rely on them. It is harsh inconsiderate simply to stop payments to you without warning because their other child doesn't need them any more.

That said, you've got to accept it. It is a very hard lesson, but learn it: PIL are capricious. They give and take without warning. You have to keep yourselves independent from them, especially financially.

If I were to say anything it would only be to ask for a little money to tide you over between now and the baby coming. If your DH gets angry with them they will probably only say (not completely unreasonably) that he can think himself lucky he's had £500 pcm for so long). Pointless. Disengage, and I hope you manage to muddle through financially.

But you should never have been replying on it in the first place. It's all very well and nice that he was giving you this money but you should have looked upon it as a nice little bonus and not like a wage.

NameChangedForPILissue Mon 17-Feb-14 12:52:05

He won't talk about it. Just says he 'can't afford to bail us out anymore'.

Chocotrekkie Mon 17-Feb-14 12:52:17

Maybe he wants you to stand on your own 2 feet. It was your dh 's choice of what to study as it was his sisters. It was your choice to have a baby when your dh is on a low wage.

My god I can't imagine calling someone "tight" when they were giving their adult children a grand a month !!

I think your dh should have a chat with his dad.

SuperScrimper Mon 17-Feb-14 12:52:32

When you base your lives on someone else's money you are always in a weak position.

Whatnamenext Mon 17-Feb-14 12:53:00

Why did you make decisions based on this gift/income?

Did you seriously expect this to last forever?

Why are you taking money when your mil is driving a dangerous car?

NameChangedForPILissue Mon 17-Feb-14 12:53:09

Absolutely, we shouldn't have had to rely on it. Sadly, because of our wages and the living expenses where we live, we had no choice. We needed the money, and still do.

AngelaDaviesHair Mon 17-Feb-14 12:53:33

Well, maybe he can't afford it, OP. You can't always tell by looking in from outside what people's true financial standing is.

Writerwannabe83 Mon 17-Feb-14 12:54:07

I'm gob smacked. Absolutely Gob Smacked!
I'm too shocked to even know what to say.
You and your DH should be ashamed of your attitudes.

Well maybe he needs the money himself now, or maybe he knows that at some stage his son needs to be independent, especially now he is going to be a father himself.

NameChangedForPILissue Mon 17-Feb-14 12:55:55

He talks about money ALL the time. We know how much he has.

Nothing has changed in their lives so there is no reason he suddenly can't afford it.

I am in agreement, for the most part.

DH isn't in the least bit spoilt or entitled, he really isn't. Despite his upbringing, he really isn't. He's just angry that FIL has chosen to do this now, when we are expecting a baby and just moved house.

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