DP and work

[TitsalinaBumSquash]

This is my first post in AIBU, but I really don't think I am but I'd be more than happy to be told otherwise.

DP has been contracting with a company for the past 2 years, he's very well respected in The company, he was head hunted by them and they really chased to get him and since he's been there they've made several offers of permanent employment and have bent over backwards to meet his needs.

He's finally agreed to go permanent, and has been in talks to iron out the details, they've have agreed to his requested salary, over time rate and holidays and the other little bits he's added into the contract of employment. So that's all great.

Here is the sticking point.

Our DS (my bio his step) has got cystic fibrosis, as you'll probably know it's a life limiting condition and his health will deteriorate until the end.
He is 9 now and at the point where it is likely to start going down hill at a more noticeable rate, we as parents need to consider the changes it will make to our lives.

However, DP refuses to tell his employer about DS's condition he says it's not something they need to know and it could damage his chances of getting the right package at work.

My argument is that we have 2 other children, (one his and one step for want of a better term, he treats them all equally and is a great dad to all 3 DCs)
Sometimes he will need to work from home, the other 2 will need to be collected from school and cared for overnight while the other one of us in with DS in the hospital, which is sometimes not our local but 2-3 hours away.
I feel his employer should be aware of this, it won't mean he can't work, his work is more than do able from home and he's proved himself time and time again that he will always get the job done, even if it means surviving on 1 hours sleep for days/weeks at a time.

AIBU, to think he should tell them so they are more receptive to him needing more flexibility in the future?

[DarlingGrace]

He knows his employer and their tolerance levels. In this economic climate, would you really risk his job becoming permanent but divulging personal facts? I think you would be foolish if you did. Your DP is right.

[JeanSeberg]

I agree with him. At the point when he needs to ask for more flexibility, then he mentions it but no need to at the moment, it's not relevant professionally.

[LastingLight]

Given your husband's exemplary track record, don't you think his employer would allow him flex-time and work-from-home when the time comes?

[nennypops]

I think DP is right. He probably knows that, when push comes to shove, they are highly unlikely to be unreasonable about letting a valued employee have time off for something like this, but it will help if he has more time to prove his worth before the issue arises and there is no need to raise it as a specific issue now.

[TitsalinaBumSquash]

I don't think they'll get rid of him, they've really chased and chased to get him and said on more than one occasion that they can't do without him at present, hence why he's been able to negotiate so much in the way of contract terms.

I just thought that when it comes,to it they're going to start being a bit when he has to take 2-3 weeks of working form home when we get whisked up into a further away hospital, my assumption was that he could pre warn them and put something in place to suite everyone.

Although having never been in a job like his I appreciate someone else's opinion even if IABU.

[ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged]

I think I'm with your dp. He's not saying he won't help with ds. He's saying he doesn't need to tell the company yet. Unless he can get some kind of helpful medical insurance by telling them, I'd agree with him.

[TitsalinaBumSquash]

Oh many cross posts!

Ok I admit, I am wrong.

Lots of good points. Thanks.

[JeanSeberg]

I think you need to trust him and let him manage this how he feels best, op.

[HadABadDay2014]

My works know DS has autism and have bent over backwards to make sure I am able to make appoinment and that my phone is always on within work hours. Also given me emergency AL when I have had an extremely bad night with him.

Would his employers have an issue with a parent with a child that has additional needs.

[ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged]

Also, depending on the job, do you need to put some potential alternatives in place too? Reliable babysitter/childminder? Local friends on standby to do school pick ups? I hope this doesn't sound insensitive but there may be times when he really does need to be in work and i think an employer could reasonably expect you to have built in extra support at home as well as relying on dp working from home.

[TitsalinaBumSquash]

I don't think they would, but as I say I have no experience of the industry! DP has so I'll trust him to do what is best. They've never had a problem so far when one of them has been really poorly or in hospital.

This is the first time DP will be in permanent employment over contracting and with DS's hospital trips getting more and more frequent as he gets older, I'm trying to process everything in my head.

I do really appreciate the opinions of everyone and that fact that no one a has flamed me!

[deXavia]

I presume this issue has come up before over the course of 2 years - how has it been handled then? Did he ever mention to his immediate line managers then that your DS has cystic fibrosis? I guess what I mean is don't be surprised if they don't already know - and therefore aren't worried about it. Someone who worked for me had a severely disabled adult son, occasionally we'd have to work out alternatives to help out with care or problems at home. We never made a big thing about it but over time people were aware and naturally accommodated.

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

This is his decision. It's his job, his employer, his career.

He needs to make his own call about what is the best course of action in this situation.

My cousin has CF (in his 30s, employed) and he operates on a strict "need to know" basis when it comes to telling people in these kinds of situations.

I don't think you raise this kind of thing during these kinds of negotiations - particularly when they are about things that are likely to happen in the future and not things that are happening right now.

"He is 9 now and at the point where it is likely to start going down hill at a more noticeable rate"

:(

I wish you and your son all the best, and I hope things don't go downhill as quickly as you fear.

[sooperdooper]

I agree with your DP, his employer doesn't need to know right now, it's not relevant to his contract and he's under no obligation to disclose personal family medical history on the basis it might be relevant in the future.

Once he's got the permanent contract agreed, and as and when he needs flexibility etc he can discuss it with them, but I don't think he should right now, it's not any of their business

[ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged]

It's obviously a period of massive change for you op, but I think this permanent role sounds great. Dp is clearly confident that he's working for a good company.I hope it all works out.

[saffronwblue]

You both sound like lovely parents to your DS. It must be very hard planning for an uncertain future.

[pinkdelight]

I agree with your dh. Now is not the time to bring it up. When he's a permanent employee and when the situation arises, then he can get the flexibility. Now it can only weaken his negotiating position and frankly it is none of their business right now.

[TitsalinaBumSquash]

There is no one unfortunately! No local friends or family that can reliably do school pick ups and childcare.

We have the local community nursing team that have volunteers that can occasionally help.
I bend over backwards to make sure DP has as little time off work as possible, even if it means 7-8 trips on the train/car per day with one or all 3 children.

We have searched high and low for a regular babysitter but have come up with nothing unfortunately.

DP's parents aren't very close in distance and don't drive, they have their own things to be dealing with without going into details.

My Mum is dead.
My dad is often away with work.

DS1 & 2's bio dad isn't willing to do anything that would help the situation. He'll have them both to stay over night but wouldn't do a hospital stay or anything and it still doesn't allow for DS3.

We manage at the moment and we always find a way though.

[Cuddlydragon]

I'm sorry but I agree with your DP. I also really hope that you have a great deal of time before you need to deal with your DS health needs so intensively. Good luck.

[Ledkr]

My dh is the same about stuff at home and it does annoy me.
Our baby was seriously ill as a new born then had significant problems after which were hard on me as only me or dh could care for her.
More recently I had major surgery and felt he'd have had far more flexibility to help me had employers known.
In the end a colleague found out through his wife and insisted dh tell the boss and they were very helpful.

[JeanSeberg]

I do really appreciate the opinions of everyone and that fact that no one a has flamed me!

You're definitely the most reasonable AIBU-er I've seen op!

Best wishes to you and your family and congratulations to your husband on his new permanent contract.

[TitsalinaBumSquash]

I think in the past he has just said that DS was ill and dint give details.

He's always been really great in the past so I'm not worried about it.

[DarlingGrace]

Don't take this the wrong way but many employers are quite strict on family time - and I'm guessing you aren't married or in a civil partnership etc and some employers are not flexible.

BILS employer, for example, only allows 5 days close bereavement (spouse or child) and 2 days for extended family (parent or sibling) and nothing for any one else. They certainly don't pay for as hoc days. He works for a large national chain.

I work for LA and I only get 2 paid family days per year. Anything else would be unpaid. I know people who have had to go through the whole interrogation as to what 'partner' and 'family' means - where as there is no grey area with spouse and step/child.

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

I'm guessing that one of the reasons he want to go for a permanent contract now is because of what might be coming down the line in terms of your son's health.

So he probably wants to get the deal all signed and sealed and to establish himself as an employee before he gets into the details of his child's health issues.

Makes sense as an approach to me.

[TitsalinaBumSquash]

Luckily we always keep a contingency of 6 months wages in the bank in case he has to take unpaid leave, plus he wouldn't actually be not working, just working from home rather than the office which is 10 mins down the road from our house! (Main reason why he is happy to go perm)

As for bing an agreeable AIBU-er, I've been here 10 years and seen more than enough people get torn to shreds in this board!