To not know how to punish my daughter?

(25 Posts)
Daisyjane12 Sun 16-Feb-14 18:31:25

My dd is 18, yesterday I had to go and pick her up from the police station after she was involved in stealing a car ( her friend did it but she got in the car willingly)
I need to punish her somehow but I'm not sure what I can do, she pays for her phone, 1/3 of the wifi, her car, cooks for herself etc

Any help?

sadbodyblue Sun 16-Feb-14 18:33:10

she's an adult so the state will presumably punish her.

does she have a job? is this her first offence?

Shallishanti Sun 16-Feb-14 18:34:09

She's 18.
Presumably the police will charge her and she'll be punished by the court if found guilty. I'd be making my feelings very clear, and perhaps choosing not to trust her - eg she wouldn't be borrowing my car- but I don't think I'd be punishing her per se.

Daisyjane12 Sun 16-Feb-14 18:34:10

She has a part time job in a resturant and yes, she's never been in trouble with the police before

Selks Sun 16-Feb-14 18:34:29

I'm not sure you can punish an 18 year old - they are an adult. The only thing you can realistically do is decide whether they can continue to live in your home.

I think for me how I reacted would depend on whether this was a one off thing that she got caught up in and is now sorry, or whether it's part of wider issues or a pattern of offending. How has she reacted since you picked her up?

AntlersInAllOfMyDecorating Sun 16-Feb-14 18:34:39

She is an adult, so she could move out, start charging her rent. Give her a curfew? Your rules your house etc.

DoJo Sun 16-Feb-14 18:34:42

I think your obvious disappointment would probably be the best punishment, unless you feel she really has no respect for you or your role in her life. IS she contrite? Has she 'explained' (as much as that might be possible)? Have you discussed what she thinks might be an appropriate way to make amends?

Shallishanti Sun 16-Feb-14 18:35:13

you could point out what a conviction does to your job prospects- eg if she was hoping to be given more responsibility in her pt job

intheround Sun 16-Feb-14 18:37:04

She's an adult. You can't punish her. She will be punished by whatever way the law sees fit.

OldBagWantsNewBag Sun 16-Feb-14 18:37:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

harriet247 Sun 16-Feb-14 18:40:18

She probably wont be punished via the law tbh, unless she abetted the stealing process,which is hard to prove. I would make it very clear that i would not be willing to live with a criminal, and if there is any further police trouble she would have to leave.

sadbodyblue Sun 16-Feb-14 18:40:38

depends on her attitude really. if she's absolutely devestated and knows she's been a complete knob then she needs support to deal with the outcome of this.

definatly tell her to ditch the twatty friend.

I hope she dies to loose her job. what is she planning to do with her life? has she got plans?

harriet247 Sun 16-Feb-14 18:41:03

I would also make her write a letter of apology to the victim

JeanSeberg Sun 16-Feb-14 18:42:42

Is she remorseful?

MerylStrop Sun 16-Feb-14 18:43:09

How awful

I think she may need support, rather than punishment from you.

She could end up in lots of trouble.

Lweji Sun 16-Feb-14 18:44:17

I'd also tell her that she'd be kicked out if she gets in trouble with the law again, or I knew of anything criminal that she did.

I'd be having an in depth conversation about the consequences of what she did and of hanging out with such people.

You cant punish and adult, to be honest i wouldn't have gone and picked her up from the police station, you either allow her to carry on living in your house or ask her to leave. I have a 19 yr old Ds, i cant imagine trying to punish him! he knows can live here as long as he obeys house rules, so tell her you dont want a repeat of this or she has to leave.

softlysoftly Sun 16-Feb-14 18:44:56

You can't punish her, she is a grown up.

You can talk to her, ask her why, tell her how you feel.

Parental disappointment was always more of a killer for me! And still is at 36!

Pigletin Sun 16-Feb-14 18:48:45

I'm afraid at this age punishment is not going to work. However I would explain how disappointed you are with her and how you thought she was better than that. That, along with the punishment she will receive by the police, might make her think twice.

PolterGoose Sun 16-Feb-14 18:51:27

Is she being charged?

Please don't tell her to write to the victim, any contact needs to go through victim support to ensure it is done appropriately and that the victim is willing to receive contact.

AntlersInAllOfMyDecorating Sun 16-Feb-14 18:52:28

You could get a pcso to come and talk to her.

Your disappointment should count for something.

OldBagWantsNewBag Sun 16-Feb-14 18:52:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DurhamDurham Sun 16-Feb-14 18:54:12

I have two daughters, 20 and 16, I have always without fail found disappointment to be a much better weapon against bad behaviour than punishments. My girls hate it when I am disappointed in them but when I'm angry they just sort of shrug it off. It took me a while to catch on to this. Now I use it to my full advantage grin

Daisyjane12 Sun 16-Feb-14 20:50:27

I've told her that if she gets in any more trouble with the police I won't have her living at home any more. She seems disappointed in herself and very remorseful.
I'm going to try and find out why she did it and support her

ComposHat Sun 16-Feb-14 23:12:28

Punish her? Very difficult as she is an adult. How would your parents punish you op if you got arrested? (assuming they are still alive) Just like you, she is an adult, and she will be punished by the court accordingly. Obviously any fines levied by the courts she should be made to pay.

I have a long talk with her about what is happening in her life that she has found herself in a police cell, (looking at getting a criminal record, making employment harder, car insurance nigh on impossible or even more stupidly expensive) and how do we go about getting things back on track. Also making it clear that if she continues down this road, she will be out on her ear. (A bit of carrot & sStick but mostly carrot.)

I know car theft sounds scary, but what actually happened? The offence, Taking Without Owner's Consent, covers everything from actual theft of a stranger's car (and causing some damage to ignition and steering) to taking a parent's car without their say so.

I'd say the latter whilst stupid and dangerous, isn't a million miles away from normal late teenage behaviour, whilst the former is straying into more serious territory.

Because the offence is so broad I would take Harriet's legal advice with a pinch of salt until you know exactly what actually happened.

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