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To look after the baby myself and not really mind?

(31 Posts)
Leonas Mon 10-Feb-14 18:44:23

We have a 10 week old baby and from day 1 I have done all of the feeds, baths, nappies (more or less) myself. I'm bf so my dp feed her anyway and he works over 80 hours a week (he has 3 jobs) so I don't expect him to come home and get straight into changing etc.
He adores her and loves chatting away to her and cuddles. We have no family nearby so I have just always done all of it myself. I have had some pretty crap days and nights but I suppose I am lucky that she is an easy baby, despite being colicky too.
I keep reading posts from mums saying they need their dp to do more, which I completely understand but has anyone else not minded doing it themselves? Just curious really, I suppose.
I know I will probably be flamed for being a mug/ pushover/ setting feminism back 50 years but I genuinely feel like he is contributing by knocking his pan in working so much to provide for us.

nevermindthecat Mon 10-Feb-14 18:45:36

I don't think you're being a mug - he's contributing financially, you're contributing by caring for your DD. in my opinion you are BOTH doing demanding and important jobs and it sounds like you're both doing them well x

ChocolateBiscuitCake Mon 10-Feb-14 18:46:50

…your baby is only 10 weeks old. See if this is how you feel when she is 10 months old!

You sound lovely and congratulations.

BridgetJonesPants25 Mon 10-Feb-14 18:47:17

If it's not broken...

CuppaSarah Mon 10-Feb-14 18:50:02

Whatever works for your family. You sound like a great and strong couple.

LEMmingaround Mon 10-Feb-14 18:53:20

Sounds good to me - just make sure you are not the only one who CAN settle her as she gets older.

milkingmachine1 Mon 10-Feb-14 18:54:57

It's great you are happy with the current arrangement and it may work whilst baby is so young and you are breastfeeding. It may only become an issue when she gets a bit older and you want a bit of freedom. What happens if you want a night out or to start an evening class. It can't always be you who puts baby to bed, feeds, bathes, clothed etc..

I've done all my baby rearing like you, I've had three. My DH also had long hours but would always make my dinner in evening and help think of weekend entertainment, drive us places and cook and shop. I always considered that we each had different, but equal roles. It suits some mothers to do the early mothering themselves and mine always looked out for Daddy as they grew into older babies who needed more fun and stimulation.

Enjoy your young baby and these special days but be ready to pass your bundle on when DD gets bigger. Ask your DH to do stuff you can't manage with baby, heavy bins, hoovering stairs etc..

Keep an open mind and be flexible. In our case, I was just good with small babies and DH has always come into his own for older babies, he has been ace at taking them all on bike rides, for eg..

Do what works for your family x

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Mon 10-Feb-14 18:56:17

If you want to do it all then that is up to you.

Just don't moan in a year from now when you are knackered and he never learned how to care for his child grin and nobody else can do anything and you are a wreck.

(I'm joking, of course you can moan grin )

If you want to do it - fine.

Just make sure others CAN do it. In case you are ill, exhausted or whatever.

TravellingToad Mon 10-Feb-14 18:57:05

Yes if that works. I'm 3 weeks post caesarean and doing everything for the baby as DH is doing everything for the toddler.

It's 100 x easier doing the baby, he just sleeps and eats! I've got the easy job by far even with night feeds.

Leonas Mon 10-Feb-14 18:57:32

Thank you! He will be staying at home with her some of the time when I go back to work which he is looking forward to. I suppose at that point we will need to rethink our system as we will both be working (although he will be able to work less, I hope!) and therefore will have to share more at home too

Yes, my top tip from my sister was to get all babies to have a bottle and once they reached 3 months or so, I would shift this around so I could pop out on an errand alone or haircut etc..IMO this kept me feeding longer as I felt I had a pass to get out when I needed it.

Jinty64 Mon 10-Feb-14 18:59:19

I have always done it all myself and, pretty much, still am. Mine are 18, 16 and 7. Sometimes it was hard (and still is) but there we go they appreciate me!

bodygoingsouth Mon 10-Feb-14 19:00:04

my dh always worked away and long hours. it is what it is.

what about army/navy wives? you will be fine op and let's face it most women still do the lion share of domestic and child care anyway.

starlight1234 Mon 10-Feb-14 19:01:07

Its what works for you as a family...

I think there is a difference between expecting him to walk in and holding a baby who has pooed to change and him not been able to change a nappy...

If my Dp worked 80 hours a week I would not expect him to walk in and cook tea...

MsLT Mon 10-Feb-14 19:03:01

Sounds good to me! He's working over 80 hours a week/3 jobs & bringing in the money. I would also take on the lion's share of childcare/ house stuff myself if I were you. smile

NatashaBee Mon 10-Feb-14 19:08:24

80 hours a week is a lot! I doubt that the partners of the people posting on here that they don't get enough help do that many hours. If he was working 9-5 with a short commute then you would be entitled to ask him to do more. It sounds like it's working for both of you.

Idespair Mon 10-Feb-14 19:11:28

You will see people complaining on here if their setup is not working. But yours is working so it's fine.

PenguinsDontEatKale Mon 10-Feb-14 19:14:33

Do what works for you. She's 10 weeks, she's very little and the world is very new.

But bear in mind that patterns can get very entrenched over time. What seems ok now might not at 6 months, or 2 years, or aged 5. Especially if you are planning to go back to work at some point, because you don't want to be one of the women on here working and doing everything at home.

Whatever works!

I really like the non-judgmental sound of your post. I think no matter what someone's choice, it is great for women to support each other and recognise there are lots of ways of doing things.

1944girl Mon 10-Feb-14 19:28:56

I have had two children who are now grown up.Both born by EMCS,

I did everything for them when tiny babies. After the first one my DH had to go back to work (no paternity leave those days). Got very little help from both our mothers. When I had the second one DH was abroad working in Merchant Navy so I had to get on with it then as well.I did have help from MIL who came to look after my older child so I could do everything for the baby.

I quite honestly preferred it that way. I have always been a very independant person and like to do things my way and also not to rely on others as I have been let down in the past.

Just carry on, you are doing very well.

OddBoots Mon 10-Feb-14 19:33:11

I did much the same with my DS (born summer 1999 so dh as an IT engineer was doing the y2k thing) and it was fine, they have a great relationship. Eventually dh's work calmed down and he took on more of the child stuff and I worked a bit.

When dd cam a few years later he was hands-on from the off but that was because our situation had changed.

Just because a parent can't be doing much/any of the feeding etc to start with doesn't mean they'll be less of a parent or that the other parent is put upon.

MartinSheensTeeth Mon 10-Feb-14 19:34:18

My bf's DH has never put their DC to bed. Which means my friend cannot go out until 8pm at the earliest, or she has to be back at 9pm on a Friday or Saturday. So that's nice.

whatsagoodusername Mon 10-Feb-14 19:38:28

As long as he knows how to care for the baby and is willing to do it if needed, then it doesn't matter how you arrange your roles. If you're happy with how things are, great! grin

OneStepForwardTwoBack Mon 10-Feb-14 19:41:11

I was like this, I loved looking after my babies. I think my oh was happy with it that way too. He has done more as they have got older, arguably the more fun stuff but then I don't always fancy a football match or getting splashed in the swimming pool so I've been happy to go with that!

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