To not want DH to go on stag weekend when our twins will be 4 weeks old?(272 Posts)
We have two young dc (eldest is 5) and i'm expecting twins. Dh works away part of the week, so the kids don't see him at all for 3 days and I am on my own with them (including overnight). He is planning to continue travelling away right up the twins arrival, and straight after he goes back to work (there's a real chance he'll miss the birth but that's a different topic...)
A close friend of dh is getting married, and when they set their date and venue, dh and I discussed that we couldn't both attend the wedding for various reasons. I am ok with him going to the wedding on his own, even though it will be hard for me, as I think weddings are important events. Because of his work patterns it will mean he'll be away for 8 or 9 days straight.
Then the stag weekend discussions started. When we were all together, they got diaries out and picked a weekend four weeks after our twins are due. I politely told the groom (with us all together) that dh and I needed to discuss this, as we'd have newborn twins and 2 other kids, and that he couldn't automatically assume dh could go away for a weekend when they were so small.
Since then, dh has been asked to be best man and now informs he he HAS to go to the stag, and that he's been put in a difficult position, and it's a once-in-a-lifetime event (and having twins isnt?) To be honest, he was always going to go, best man or not.
I am already dreading the early days of having twins as I'll be on my own a lot and have 2 other kids to look after too.
I think he's being really unfair assuming he can go away and leave me for a weekend as well as during the week when the twins are 4 weeks old. What with work patterns, he probably wouldn't be at home at all for 8/9 days and nights straight if he went away for the weekend.
He didn't ask to discuss it, just assumed, and then I reacted badly. We don't have a lot of help on offer with the kids, but if we did call in a favour then I'm sure someone would help with the bigger two kids, but I'd still be left with newborn twins on my own, and me and the kids wouldn't see him for over a week. And we'll need to ask for help for the weekend of the wedding, so I don't think it's fair to use up more help for a stag weekend.
Dh tells me he's asked all his female friends and they think it's fine for him to go.
So, AIBU for not wanting him to go away for the weekend when our twins are 4 weeks old?
He would be willing to throw money at the 'problem' and get paid help in for the weekend, but I don't think that's the point (does that make me unreasonable?!). He shouldn't pay his way out of new baby responsibilities.
Not remotely unreasonable, but I didn't mean for the weekend - I meant as an ongoing thing, for at least the first year. He's away half the time and you'll have two small children plus baby twins. That's a workload for a Hercules. If the money is there, can you get someone to help with the kids say two or three days a week?
I didn't mean paid help and he can go! The mere idea he should go is IMO completely beyond the pale. I meant, can you afford some help to ease the workload of that first year, given he's not there so much?
Two children and twins does warrant extra help, even if he was there all the time. My friend says they didn't know what had hit them. Getting everyone fed and the housework done to even minimal standard was a feat for them.
Her husband is a lot like yours - often off on business trips/stag nights. She's always been pretty 'cool wife' about this - but I think even he wouldn't have tried this one on.
I have twins plus two older DCs, no family help and, as these are my last babies
and I'm a control freak, no paid help with the babies either.
What your DH is suggesting is so far from reality I wonder if the prospect of twins has sent him scurrying to plant his head in the sand.
I agree with you that paid help is not the solution. You say he's involved and on the ball with your older two when home, so assuming this level of twattishness is out of character, talk to him clearly and calmly about what you need.
He sounds a bit panicked - yes the window for arrival is larger with twins but most employers would understand that. Has he looked into it or is it just a kneejerk response?
The stag weekend might just be a hopeful punt of a request - thoughtless but not a serious crime.
Talk to him first. He may just need to wrap his head around what's going to happen.
Congrats on your pregnancy btw, having twins has been amazing. Hard work but hugely enjoyable. Days where it goes right (and there will be more than you think) you will feel so fucking cool!
DH has had to go away with work at 8 weeks and I was just about recovered from the births to deal with 72hr on my own (CS and VBAC) by then. At 4 weeks both times, MiL was keeping the house running as I wasn't fit for it, and one baby (then older sibling) was plenty enough.
It sounds like he's too used to you coping in his absence, and hasn't deployed any imagination as to the likely realities of birth and early care for twins. Sucking up unavoidable work absence is one thing, but extending that for a frivolous jolly is totwlly unreasonable.
Would showing him the reaction to this thread give him a hint?
I had a 'surprise' baby in september. I also have a 10 year old and a 13 year old who help me out massively. DP works away a lot leaving me with all 3. Even I find this difficult- twins and two toddlers would kill me.
DP enjoys trips away with friends but even he would have known better than to suggest a 4 day stag do just a few weeks after DDs birth.
A best man is there to support the marriage, you know - not just on the day, but on a lasting basis. That's why he's best man; it's a symbol of his role in your lives. I don't know what sort of 'best man' your DH will be to his mate, but if he is a good one, it's clearly not a reciprocal friendship dynamic. What kind of guy accepts his best friend turning up to his wedding, then stag do and never says, 'here what about OP? aren't you supposed to be doing shit?'.
Or let's translate this
A husband is there to support the his wife the mother of his children you know - not just on the day she gives birth but on a lasting basis. That's why he's a husband and a dad it's a symbol of his role in your lives. I don't know what sort of 'husband and father your DH will be to his you and your children but if he is a good one, it's clearly not a reciprocal friendship dynamic.
What kind of guy doesn't accepts his best friend turning up to his stag do because his WIFE IS HAVING TWINS.
Which version sounds best ?
It's the implied judgment of him saying his female friends thought it was fine I'd find hard to forgive, a family man should have known better than to consult invalid opinions. Even with help, he's missing the point about responsibility. His dc come before some silly stag do. And what sort of people go on week long stag dos when they have families? All highly immature. Do get the paid help as well though, not just for this week.
* The problem now is I don't want to talk him out of this and him hold a grudge *
He would be very unreasonable to hold a grudge. The ideal scenario is that you talk him out of it, and he realises (possibly later) how important it was that he was there.
Show him this thread. You have been very unbiased in your posts and I can't see that he could find anything unreasonable in them.
In terms of the birth and paternity. His work sound very unreasonable too! Perhaps he is self employed, I don't know, but it is not unreasonable to put a 5 week window on 'no travel'. Surely someone else can do it.
Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.
Is it half term already?
you're assuming he's old enough for school.
Having been partly in your position (ie, I had twins but not two others as well) and considering myself quite a capable person and someone who's pretty relaxed about DH going out/away for weekends etc, there is no way I would have let him go anywhere apart from work when they were 4 weeks old. Totally unreasonable of him to even consider it - would he be happy if the boot was on the other foot?
YANBU in any way shape or form. I've got three close in age and would have been livid if DH thought this was on let alone if I was having twins.
How would he feel if you decided to bugger off for a weekend (after 5/6 days away with work) and left him with 4 week old twins and two slightly older DC? Just because you're a female and their mother doesn't turn you into some kid of Wonderwoman superhero figure capable of anything.
He needs to be supporting you not going off on a jolly drinking session with his mates. He's going to the wedding, that's the important bit. The stag do is just a fun extra (and don't get me started on stag 'weekends'; just go out for an evening!).
You don't want to talk him out of this and for him to hold a grudge? In the nicest possible way, what if you held the grudge after having 9 odd days alone with children and newborns? I'm not saying you will, but he's not considered either a) the newborns, b) the children, c) yourself or d) the timing.
On an aside, am I the only one thinking that as the best man, he could possible cater the stag so he's not too far from his family or even try to engineer it for another weekend?
Mmmm, traditionally, the best man prganised the stag do. He would choose the date, venue, everything including the colour of paint used when groom is tied naked to a lamp-post for the night.
Of course he could change things. He doesn't want to atm and thinks because a few unnamed (probably mythical) girlies have said they wouldn't mind this situation of which they have no relevant experience, that it therefore is perfectly OK.
I'm not sure how far along you are, or the ages of the other kids, but could you tell him how hurt you are by the idea he would even consider a) missing the birth b) fucking off for more than a week straight afterwards, and leave him alone with the children for a couple of nights?
I'd like to know, what's the most time he's ever had on his own with them?
Yanbu - this is outrageous - I have 17 month old twins and a 4 year old . My husband wouldn't have considered this and even got out of trips overseas with is work for the first few months. Ours were not good sleepers and although I was bf them he was up every night without fail to pace/try to settle one while I did the other.
Maybe he will feel differently when they are here?
Good point by someone up thread. As best man he sets the scene for the stag do and so can have it near home and for one evening. He may cop on when they are born and change it.
When they are born you NEED TO STAY IN BED. Do not get up, do not tidy, do not cook. He should do EVERYTHING. You will be feeding twin babies 24/7. You may feel great with a rush of hormones, do not do it. The more you do, the more will be expected of you.
Idon'tdoironing....yes, your version sounds best. Aren't we supposed to be angry with the OP's DH though, not with each other?
Hi OP. I'm shocked at your husband's courage to suggest this - but since he has, you must say under no circumstances!, unless he is comfortable in paying for the night nanny that you will need.
You are both underestimating how difficult to care with twins are. Just because you already have two kids, it doesn't mean that it will be the same with two newborns with the same age! It will be far more difficult.
I had a c section, and although the surgery was fine, my recovery was difficult, my cut got infected so I wasn't well to look after my twin boys alone (or otherwise) in the first few weeks. My husband, my sister in law and a night nanny that I hired were the ones helping me. I couldn't have done it without the 3 of them.
Tell him to re-assess. Who cares about stag nights when you are having a baby or in your case, two???
"He does help with the kids and the house when he's here". Whoop de fucking do. His house too? His children too? No?
The whole " oh he's very good" thing we women do about men who contribute to childcare and running a home drives me NUTS! No one ever comments "she's awfully good with the children" about a mother do they.
Time to put your foot down or you are going to be dealing with this crap for a long time to come. I know its hard when you are pregnant and vulnerable - but this is waaaaay out of order. And YANBU!
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