To not want DH to go on stag weekend when our twins will be 4 weeks old?

(272 Posts)
HavingTwinsThisYear Mon 10-Feb-14 12:27:32

We have two young dc (eldest is 5) and i'm expecting twins. Dh works away part of the week, so the kids don't see him at all for 3 days and I am on my own with them (including overnight). He is planning to continue travelling away right up the twins arrival, and straight after he goes back to work (there's a real chance he'll miss the birth but that's a different topic...)

A close friend of dh is getting married, and when they set their date and venue, dh and I discussed that we couldn't both attend the wedding for various reasons. I am ok with him going to the wedding on his own, even though it will be hard for me, as I think weddings are important events. Because of his work patterns it will mean he'll be away for 8 or 9 days straight.

Then the stag weekend discussions started. When we were all together, they got diaries out and picked a weekend four weeks after our twins are due. I politely told the groom (with us all together) that dh and I needed to discuss this, as we'd have newborn twins and 2 other kids, and that he couldn't automatically assume dh could go away for a weekend when they were so small.

Since then, dh has been asked to be best man and now informs he he HAS to go to the stag, and that he's been put in a difficult position, and it's a once-in-a-lifetime event (and having twins isnt?) To be honest, he was always going to go, best man or not.

I am already dreading the early days of having twins as I'll be on my own a lot and have 2 other kids to look after too.

I think he's being really unfair assuming he can go away and leave me for a weekend as well as during the week when the twins are 4 weeks old. What with work patterns, he probably wouldn't be at home at all for 8/9 days and nights straight if he went away for the weekend.

He didn't ask to discuss it, just assumed, and then I reacted badly. We don't have a lot of help on offer with the kids, but if we did call in a favour then I'm sure someone would help with the bigger two kids, but I'd still be left with newborn twins on my own, and me and the kids wouldn't see him for over a week. And we'll need to ask for help for the weekend of the wedding, so I don't think it's fair to use up more help for a stag weekend.

Dh tells me he's asked all his female friends and they think it's fine for him to go.

So, AIBU for not wanting him to go away for the weekend when our twins are 4 weeks old?

QueenBoudicea Mon 10-Feb-14 12:29:20

Yanbu

Swanbridge Mon 10-Feb-14 12:30:12

YADNBU.

Bloody hell he's got a nerve. How have you not removed his testicles from the rest of his body when he told you "all his female friends" think it's fine for him to go? Presumably they've all offered to babysit for you? I think not

minouminou Mon 10-Feb-14 12:30:24

Bit sceptical about his female friends saying it's OK. Have any of them offered to pitch in and help you?

JeanSeberg Mon 10-Feb-14 12:30:34

Wow, let me be the first to say you are absolutely not unreasonable. But I think this is the least of your problems, sadly.

Sirzy Mon 10-Feb-14 12:30:42

he gets the break for the wedding, to expect to attend a stag night which is more than a night out is dft. YANBU

AnyFucker Mon 10-Feb-14 12:30:57

Dh tells me he's asked all his female friends and they think it's fine for him to go.

He is BU for this alone. How dare he try to railroad you like this by tring the emotional blackmail of "other women think it's ok". It is fuck-all to do with anyone else...this is between you and him.

personally, I think you have been shafted right from the beginning. he knew this would happen and it seems you have had no say in the matter at all.

That would not sit well with me

GingerMaman Mon 10-Feb-14 12:31:01

YADNBU. You will need him at home. No negotiation.

AnyFucker Mon 10-Feb-14 12:31:08

*trying

SoonToBeSix Mon 10-Feb-14 12:31:10

No yanbu I am also pregnant with twins and it wouldn't cross my dh mind to be so selfish.

mummymeister Mon 10-Feb-14 12:31:18

you already know the answer to this. of course you are not being unreasonable. there are so many what ifs with new borns that really you have no idea how you/both of you will cope until they arrive. he is going to go. he has made that clear. you either put your foot down, say no and decide what sort of deal breaker it is or you just get on and cope with it. do you have friends that could come over, family etc so you aren't alone. is the working away a forever thing or could he get a job closer to home. I take my hat off to anyone who is coping with 4 under 5 as you will be .

minouminou Mon 10-Feb-14 12:31:27

How about suggesting a whip-round from of the stags to buy you a nanny for a few hours?

In advance, I'd be contacting your local Sure Start team just in case you get stuck.

Mordirig Mon 10-Feb-14 12:31:45

I am really very angry on your behalf.
I can't even think of anything else to say tbh.
If you live near me I would help you out for that week, because he is probably definatly going to still go.

Yanbu at all! He is though - do any of his female friends have 2 older children and baby twins? If not how can they comment!

Morgause Mon 10-Feb-14 12:32:39

YANBU to not want him to go but YWBU if you told him he couldn't go. He's best man so he has to be there on the stag weekend or resign as best man. Hopefully his friend will only get married once.

Maybe you could ask him to take some leave to be with you for a couple of days when he gets back.

YouCanTakeAHorseToWater Mon 10-Feb-14 12:32:41

No of course you aren't being unreasonable.

He, on the other hand, is being a total twat.

TarkaTheOtter Mon 10-Feb-14 12:32:41

He seems to think his life doesn't need to change at all and can't even blame ignorance as this is dc3 and 4. What a twat. YADNBU.

Tailtwister Mon 10-Feb-14 12:32:47

YANBU. He needs to reorganise his commitments to give you more support. It's very unfair to expect you to manage on your own, especially for a stag do.

minouminou Mon 10-Feb-14 12:34:30

What happened with the first best man?

scubastevie Mon 10-Feb-14 12:35:06

OMG you are NOT being unreasonable!! And what a cheek to ask his female friends in order to use it in discussion with you. Do these friends have children? Or have offered to help you?
Just hope you can get some support as sounds like he has made up his mind.

YANBU. He needs to grow up and see that he has commitments at home now and can't just expect you to do it all, not with 4 DCs including new twins.

SofaKing Mon 10-Feb-14 12:35:31

Yanbu at all, your dh sounds utterly disrespectful. He should have some idea how hard twins will be if you already have two kids for goodness sake!

Could you hire a night nanny or mothers helper for daytime for six weeks after the twins are born? I know it will be expensive but I presume a stag weekend and wedding will be too.

I have no idea what to do about your husband, other than going out and leaving him with all four kids at some point so he has to remove his head from his arise and act like a decent human being. I am so angry on your behalf, he sounds so inconsiderate.

helenthemadex Mon 10-Feb-14 12:35:46

YANBU he is being a selfish arse

YouCanTakeAHorseToWater Mon 10-Feb-14 12:35:52

Since when do best men HAVE to go on the stag do??? Everything is optional here, I can't believe he would seriously leave his wife with 4 kids including newborn twins to go on the pass....

SofaKing Mon 10-Feb-14 12:36:29

From his arise, not his arise, obviously blush

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