...to cull this 'friend'?

(42 Posts)
QueenofKelsingra Mon 10-Feb-14 11:51:27

I posted a while back about a 'friend' who told me I was 'a bad example' to my DC because I was a SAHM. MN jury voted that she was the unreasonable one and I decided to go with the path of least resistance and just let the friendship slide unless she made an effort.

Said friend is godmother to DS (4). (admittedly selected before I had anyone else to ask, she was my closest friend at the time). She was due to come to DS's birthday but at the last minute cancelled as she was unwell. Fine, these things happen but DS was upset she didn't come.

so she arranges to call in to see him last week. DS super excited to see her, lines up his favourite toys to show her etc. She doesn't show up. I text to find out where she is and get a 'oh sorry, I forgot. will reschedule next time I'm around'. I was fuming with her, how do you 'forget' about your godson FFS? Surely he would take priority in your mind?? So DS was really upset about this, took ages to calm him down. so I text back saying 'well DS is really upset, especially as you already missed his party'. so then I get a long tirade of how 'hurt' and 'upset' she is that I'm cross with her, that she explained she was ill for the party (she did but didn't bother to call and speak to him or anything) and that I was being childish for being cross and 'as a mother of 3DC I should be more mature'.

I haven't replied I'm so fucking mad at her. She has no DC so I guess she just doesn't get how unfair it is on small children to just not do what you promised! and because I dared to be annoyed at her about it considering there were no extenuating circs, she just forgot, she has now tried to flip this around as me being childish.

So I have decided to drop the friendship, it is just not worth it. considering she was so keen to be GM and kept saying she wanted to forge a special friendship with him, spend time etc and repeatedly fails to step up and added to the previous incident of clearly not understanding my life choice AIBU to just stop replying and make no further effort at contact?

Sounds as though this friendship is slowly dying off. I think you need to invest less in it.

Hopefully you have some other, more reliable people to occupy your time! smile

lottieandmia Mon 10-Feb-14 11:53:45

Well nobody who tells you that you are a bad example to your child is ever a friend in the first place IMHO. She sounds flakey as well.

Chelvis Mon 10-Feb-14 11:55:21

I think you're right to drop her. I will put up with some selfish behaviour from friends - I know I've never been perfect, so I'll forgive the odd bad time - but when small children are upset, it's too far. How rude to imply you are immature for expecting her to stick to plans you have made! Really ridiculous.

Jaisalmer Mon 10-Feb-14 12:02:33

Yes she is being selfish but to be fair people without children (and I was like this before I had any) don't understand at all how difficult it is to explain things like this to a small child, how would they if they've never been in that position.

I do think that you are expecting a lot of her as GM, I have various GM's for my children and don't expect anything of them (two don't have children) but anything they do do is appreciated. Lower your expectations and you might find you get on better with her.

Nocturne123 Mon 10-Feb-14 12:03:00

Yanbu at all .

MomentForLife Mon 10-Feb-14 12:03:37

It all sounds a bit forced. If she hasn't got kids she has yet to learn the reality of being a mum. I had some pretty out there opinions before having a child of my own blush

Distance yourself a bit for now, sounds like your at different points in life. I wouldn't burn your bridges and fall out though.

Wrong of her to be wishy washy gm, but in my experience every one some of my friends haven't made much effort with my DD after being all excited when she was born.

Jaisalmer Mon 10-Feb-14 12:04:06

Just seen that she said you were being immature - well that is silly of her and she is turning her guilt on to you and trying to blame you which isn't nice.

MomentForLife Mon 10-Feb-14 12:04:30

* you're

bodygoingsouth Mon 10-Feb-14 12:05:38

drop her like a hot potato and get more mature friends. sure your ds will be fine, at 4 he won't even remember her.

Jaisalmer Mon 10-Feb-14 12:05:51

Other people's children are pretty uninteresting to be honest and I say that as someone who has 3 of them so see a lot of other friend's children all the time. To someone without children they must seem even more distant an interest.

ThoughSheBeButLittle Mon 10-Feb-14 12:05:57

She sounds as great as the couple that my DH be Godparents to my youngest! A year after the Christening they haven't seen her once, didn't send her a 1st birthday present and have enquired after her once in passing on the phone.

I repeatedly say I told you so to my DH!

Dromedary Mon 10-Feb-14 12:06:07

With this kind of person, I just wouldn't tell your DS that she is coming. Then if she does turn up it's a lovely surprise for him.

ThoughSheBeButLittle Mon 10-Feb-14 12:06:29

Should read 'DH insisted be godparents ...'

MooncupGoddess Mon 10-Feb-14 12:07:59

She can't help being ill but saying she'll come round and then 'forgetting' is disgraceful.

'Other people's children are pretty uninteresting to be honest'

If you think this, don't become a godmother! And even if she does find him a bit dull that doesn't excuse her flaky behaviour.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster Mon 10-Feb-14 12:08:05

In future, I wouldn't tell your son that she was due to visit until she was actually at the door, that way if she lets him down, he never has to know.

(Not that I am putting any blame on you, but I have had friends in the past who have cancelled at the last minute and the kids are so upset about it, so certain people I don't mention, and then its a nice surprise when they are here.)

aworkingmummy Mon 10-Feb-14 12:12:06

She sounds like a right arsehole - I'd drop her like a stone!

Oh and not having DCs of her own doesn't mean she can't have some common decency.

angeltulips Mon 10-Feb-14 12:13:07

It sounds like she is trying to drop you as a friend. So you might not have to do much! Perhaps she's one of those people that just can't come to terms with people who are parents & has lost interest.

That said, you sound a bit passive aggressive too. Why are you having these conversations by text? Just ring her in future.

QueenofKelsingra Mon 10-Feb-14 12:17:31

re:expecting a lot of her as GM - this is all driven by her, not me. She was the one who wanted to do it, she was the one who keeps talking about spending time, she was the one who wanted some time just with him and not his siblings to do special 'godmother to godson' things/treats - and none of it ever happens. she never even drops a text to ask how he is or anything (which the other godparents often do and they all see the DC more often than her)

i know she couldn't help being ill but wouldn't that make you more keen to see him if you missed the party? that's why i said that, i just cant understand how you would then 'forget' in these circs (and she had organised this meet up, not me!)

i will definitely not be mentioning if she plans to visit again, its not fair on DS to be let down like that. will be interesting to see if she even bothers though.

WipsGlitter Mon 10-Feb-14 12:17:31

It's harsh but some people don't hold being a godparent I such stead.

QueenofKelsingra Mon 10-Feb-14 12:18:53

angel we don't usually talk much by phone, we usually have text conversations.

LoonvanBoon Mon 10-Feb-14 12:21:08

I think I'd be distancing myself emotionally at this point, Queen.

I saw your other thread & got the impression that your friend really didn't care if she upset / offended you. The behaviour you've described above seems to corroborate that.

I think you were right to let her know her behaviour wasn't okay & that she'd disappointed your son / her godson. That gave her an opportunity to apologize or to explain if there are issues in your friendship that are causing her problems. Instead she chose to be defensive & insulting towards you.

I just wouldn't bother contacting her again in your situation. I know that doesn't provide much sense of closure, but personally I'm not keen on dramatic declarations that friendships are over. If you chose to go for the latter, though, I think you'd probably be justified!

NoodleOodle Mon 10-Feb-14 12:45:46

Perhaps ask your vicar for advice? I made a film about baptism for a local vicar once, explaining all the roles and rituals etc. Maybe she hasn't taken it as seriously as you intended, and would be able to step up to the mark if she knew what the expectations generally are, Though this wouldn't go down well in an accusatory way, more a reminder of the vows she has taken. Would people be so quick to drop a marriage? I think it might be worth pursuing if she's a good person who just hasn't taken to being a godparent in the same way as you intended the relationship. It is generally good for children to have more rather than less adults looking out for their best interests and guiding them through life IMO. This could just be a bit of a false start in what could later turn out to be a great avenue of support for your child and for her, maybe. Only you can know though.

QueenofKelsingra Mon 10-Feb-14 12:53:01

noodle she is devoutely Christian herself, its part of why we picked her, we wanted someone who understood and respected the Christian values we are raising our children with. this is why i am so annoyed and upset, (for DS mainly) as she knew exactly what the role was, we even insisted all GPs took some time to think about agreeing so they could look into the role. she knew it was not a ceremonial role.

DH thinks it stems from her not being able to cope with our life (she is single and no DC, very good job, i am married, SAHM with 3 DC). We've been friends for nearly 20 years.

LessMissAbs Mon 10-Feb-14 12:54:23

Its up to you but I don't think its reasonable to expect other people to find small childrens' birthday parties fascinating. Friends can't provide everything and I like friends from a variety of different experiences, because they challenge you sometimes and stop you getting stuck in a rut.

I think she's trying to tell you (without wanting to be rude in actually saying it) that she is more interested in you as a person rather than as a mother of children. Maybe she didn't really want to be a godparent, but didn't want to let you down. Maybe she will find it more interesting once her godchild is a bit older.

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