To be annoyed with father in law (sorry a bit long but I needed to vent)

(82 Posts)
Nocturne123 Mon 10-Feb-14 10:24:27

Basically the issues started when my dd was born (9 months now) .

My father in law took it upon himself to take my newborn baby out of my arms on so many occasions that my dh had to tell him he was making me claustrophobic and that as a new mother I was very protective .He acted like a massive child and wouldn't speak to my dh for a couple of days after this .i didn't say anything myself as I thought this would cause more issues.

It calmed down slightly over the next couple of months but now every time we visit dh's parents fil takes dd away to another room to play with her by himself ! Nothing untoward at all just strange and quite rude ! Mil is lovely and will chat away to me and as such misses out on time with dd as fil seems obsessed!

Things came to a head yesterday when he actively took her to a different room when I walked in ! My dh knows it bothers me and he hates that I feel this way and that fil does this . He emotionally blackmails dh quite a lot which I absolutely hate !

Am I being completely unreasonable to resent this?

McRoo Mon 10-Feb-14 10:38:44

My step-dad used to do this because he felt he was giving me & DH a break.

However it used to really upset my DH because it was often when he was holding DS that step dad would intervene and take the baby off. Particularly if he was fussing.

We had to be firm and as he approached to remove the baby say "no, it's ok. We're fine" and he doesn't do it as much anymore.

Could your FIL actions be coming from a good place? (If not a bit insensitive & unthinking)

Nocturne123 Mon 10-Feb-14 10:40:30

Thanks everyone , glad you don't think I'm being unreasonable as I switch from being so angry to thinking it's all me !

Great suggestions as well , I'll maybe have a word with my dh tonight. Damn ILs lol

birdybear Mon 10-Feb-14 10:41:04

You need to say directly to him when he picks her up, can you stay in here please? If he ignores you, say it louder. If he ignores you again, take the child out of his arms and ask why do you keep wanting to take her away from everyone else and then pause and wait for a reply. Don't fill the silence or make it a rhetorical question, look at him and expect a reply. Then tell him it is not on.

McRoo Mon 10-Feb-14 10:41:20

Oooh, sorry. Missed the bit in your OP about FIL having a strop and not speaking to your DH. That is odd.

Nocturne123 Mon 10-Feb-14 10:42:31

Mcroo yes I think his intentions are good but he has gone about everything the completely wrong way . He obviously loves her and I know that but so does everyone else . He seems like a very jealous and selfish man sometimes . Almost as if he's trying to
Make up for not spending loads of time with dh when he was young

SomethingAboutNothing Mon 10-Feb-14 10:43:05

I have no advice but my MIL does the same thing with my DS

LucyLasticBand Mon 10-Feb-14 10:43:38

<<wonders what he will do when next one comes?>>

justmuddlingalong Mon 10-Feb-14 10:44:08

Maybe suggest to your Dh that he has a word with his Df in private. Then if it continues you have a word. His behaviour is making you uncomfortable and it's putting you off visiting. This could affect the whole family dynamic in future, so it needs to be sorted sooner rather than later. Awkward but important in the long term.

puddock Mon 10-Feb-14 10:45:21

I don't think your DH has helped at the start by blaming you ("claustrophobic" ... "protective") for your reasonable response, rather than both of you asserting yourselves together. It's given your FIL the go-ahead to override you.

Agree with PPs, next time you go, make it clear that you're going to all stay in one room. No need to get defensive or bring MIL into it, just make it clear how you'd like things to be. Be pleasant, be polite, but be prepared to leave if your wishes are not being respected.

Your DD may be getting towards the separation anxiety phase anyway, so - depending on how often she sees your FIL and how attached to him she is - being carried away into another room might well be wrong for her too.

McRoo Mon 10-Feb-14 10:45:55

Ah yes, the good old "I'm going to fix the mistakes I made as a parent with my grandchildren". God that's annoying. I think sometimes grandparents forget that the grandchildren are not their children and feel they have some sort of divine right over them.

(I find in laws are worse for this than your actual parents - although I'm sure my husband would say the same wink)

Nocturne123 Mon 10-Feb-14 10:47:36

Yeh I think that's the best plan speak to dh and then if it continues ill say something . No idea what he'll do with dc2 but hopefully it will be sorted by then ....

TinyTear Mon 10-Feb-14 10:47:45

Shudder I would get up and follow them to every single room they went by themselves.
blame separation anxyety, tell them she won't want to be away from you

BornOfFrustration Mon 10-Feb-14 10:50:32

That would annoy me too. What would happen if you just said "whoa ,where are you going, come back in here" all friendly like?

Nocturne123 Mon 10-Feb-14 10:51:16

Puddock - no dh made a complete mess of that one .. He used the words I used whilst speaking to him and said to his DM who spoke to his DF . It really was very awkward.

I would do the same on his behalf if my parents did anything which annoyed him so I think it's his place to say first and foremost

Nocturne123 Mon 10-Feb-14 10:54:25

We just happen to be moving house at the moment and are living with my parents at the moment which I don't think sits very well with him .

It is the last think I thought I'd be stressed about after having dd

justmuddlingalong Mon 10-Feb-14 10:55:25

And...it's not you being hormonal, it's just plain weird. Don't let that be used as an excuse for Fil behaviour!

Doctorbrownbear Mon 10-Feb-14 11:03:03

Are you sure there isn't more to this? You.come accross as being quite difficult and to complain about grandad taking DD from you for a cuddle is something over nothing. My FIL will take my DD for a cuddle... so what? I get the impression that if you get prickly about this then u probably do about other things too.

Mishmashfamily Mon 10-Feb-14 11:03:49

It's a power thing. He is exerting his control by taking your child away.

Arrange to go over and when he goes to take her let him have a cuddle then take her back. I had to do this with mil. There was a tense moment, me and mil eye balled each other, I dont think mil was actually going to let go but I leaned in a lifted her back , saying "oh come and give mummy a big cuddle " and waked away from her.

Everyone seen, but it stopped right there.

I was shaking like a leaf inside but felt strong and protective.

Mishmashfamily Mon 10-Feb-14 11:06:50

Op does not come across as difficult at all hmm

Nocturne123 Mon 10-Feb-14 11:07:43

No doctorbrownbear - I do not get this annoyed about everything. I could get on with a wall if I had to but it's his controlling personality which really gets to
Me . I had no problem before I had dd .

Mishmash family - you're right it is a power thing . He can hardly let go of dh as just his son and doesn't seem to grasp that as well as being his family he has his own district family unit now

Nocturne123 Mon 10-Feb-14 11:08:12

Thank
You mishmash

Funnyfoot Mon 10-Feb-14 11:12:07

OP is not difficult Doctor fil is not just taking the baby for a cuddle. He is removing her from the room. Taking her away from everyone else including doting mil.

I hope you can sort it OP with as little fall out as possible smile

Nocturne123 Mon 10-Feb-14 11:14:31

Thanks funny foot me too , these types of conversations make me feel ill ! Better in the long run though!

Holdthepage Mon 10-Feb-14 11:16:10

If I was in your situation OP I wouldn't make anyone confront him but everytime he leaves the room with her go & take her back. If he stays in the room with you all then he can keep hold of her for a while.

If you do this every time, he will get the message.

IdRatherPlayHereWithAllTheMadM Mon 10-Feb-14 11:16:46

No I would not be happy with this at all.

You really have to ask why he needs to be alone with her in his mind.

Why does he feel he needs to do this.

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