Well I do have a child and it is a Tuesday afternoon...

(142 Posts)
BridgetJonesPants25 Mon 10-Feb-14 08:49:23

A friend invited me to meet her tomorrow afternoon as she is off work.

I was quite happy to get the invite as I haven't seen her in some time. Explained I would (obviously) have DD with me and did she fancy a late lunch?

I got a response saying she would rather just meet for a couple of glasses of wine (it is at 2pm). I have no problem having a glass of wine or 2 with food but it really doesn't sit too comfortably with me to just go a meet to share a bottle of wine. It means taking my DD somewhere strapping her into a highchair and then expect her to sit there for a couple of hours with a colouring book or jigsaw. She 2.5 and to be honest it'll be bloody boring for her.

Have replied saying that it would be a bit boring for DD but I know a place we could get coffee close to where I was going to meeting her, it has a play corner for the kids which means we could catch up (like she wants) and DD can play. Win, win?

No apparently not. She has replied with "forget it".

I get that my friend doesn't have children and her idea of fun isn't going to soft play or going to the local farm so I wouldn't suggest it. AIBU to be pissed that she doesn't recognise that if she wants to meet during the week I will have DD with me and it isn't fair to expect my DD to sit quietly while I tuck into a bottle of wine chatting to my friend.

I am pretty pissed off that she neglects to accept that my life has changed. I can't do the things she wants me to do all the time. If she had sent a text saying "fancy a girly night out" I would have happily arranged for my Mum to babysit one night.

WIBU to just do as she said and "forget it" because I am annoyed or should I really go back and say something like "how about I sort a babysitter for 2-3 weeks time and we go out for a proper catch up?"

Also AIBU to not want to take my DD to the pub? (If I am I still wont change my mind to be honest but would be good to know)

Only1scoop Mon 10-Feb-14 09:44:32

Well yes after an hour on the bus it would be a bit much I guess....
Let her calm down sounds as if she's having a little strop.

wigglesrock Mon 10-Feb-14 09:51:55

To be honest I'd give her the benefit of the doubt. You think she wants to talk about something important, maybe she's stressed, snappy, worried.

Can your mum babysit during the day for a few hours? or can your friend meet you on a weekend day? Her text was pissy but everyone sends sharp texts sometimes.

If I had something worrying I wanted to talk about with a friend I'd rather do it in a pub without any kids.

Piscivorus Mon 10-Feb-14 09:52:39

I had a friend used to be like this when I had DS. Everything had to fit in with her career because, according to her, she had so little time off and I had loads of free time hmm

When she had her DS it suddenly became that I had to fit in with her as he had a strict routine that could never be varied and I'd get the "You are lucky your children are so amenable and fit in with what you are doing" hmm again!

I have realised over the years that she is just that type of person. Having said that she has some lovely points as well and we are still in touch over 20 years later. The trick is doing what suits you so, on this on, I would indeed forget it but if there is a next time and it fits in for you do that.

MooncupGoddess Mon 10-Feb-14 09:57:30

You're not being unreasonable at all, you made a real effort to find a solution that would suit everyone and she was very rude.

Having said that, I was pretty clueless about the realities of small children in my mid-20s too... she may improve.

BridgetJonesPants25 Mon 10-Feb-14 10:03:40

My parents work full time. I'm a single Mum and my ExH doesn't have contact so free time without DD doesn't come round often.

I have previously suggested weekend catch ups but we live at opposite ends of a big city, both on outskirts and since she travels into the centre every day she doesn't want to do the commute on weekends. It would take either one of us 2.5+ to go to the others house. Maybe I should suggest a lunch when I'm on lunch break from work confused

I do think I try with her but constantly get told it doesn't suit her. Maybe we're just fighting a losing battle keeping the friendship going?

BookABooSue Mon 10-Feb-14 10:08:54

I agree with Wigglerock. If I had a problem I wanted to discuss with a friend then I'd rather not be in a place with a play corner (and I have a dc!).

You're going to be watching your dd the entire time, not listening to your friend's conversation and she might also be conscious that her conversation isn't one she wants to have within hearing of lots of children. Sitting your dd on the end of a table with a sticker book or toy would actually take less of your attention away from the conversation.

Unless your friend is normally rude then I'd take the 'forget it' as a sign that she really wanted to have an uninterrupted chat with you about something and I'd give her a call to try to work something out.

Pigeonhouse Mon 10-Feb-14 10:11:40

I think that her final text was outrageously rude, and that suggesting that someone with a toddler travel for an hour to meet you to go drinking in the afternoon is thoughtless at best. Maybe something is wrong, but you're not psychic, and she sounds like she wants your company only on her own terms. If your toddler is anything like mine, even if you went, you would have to deal with a bored, potentially restless child, rather than giving your mind to your friend.

I wouldn't respond, and wouldn't initiate contact in future.

BridgetJonesPants25 Mon 10-Feb-14 10:11:44

I appreciate that but then why not arrange a time for us to catch up without DD there? Why a weekday when I can't get someone to watch DD for an afternoon?

MiddleAgeMiddleEngland Mon 10-Feb-14 10:15:22

Even my friend who claims to be allergic to small children was more accommodating than that.

How rude. I'd just take her "forget it" literally. If she's desperate for a conversation she'll get back to you.

BeaWheesht Mon 10-Feb-14 10:19:28

I would reply 'ok, I will'. She's been incredibly rude.

I wouldn't mind taking dc to a pub with play area but I wouldn't drink. I wouldn't have taken them to a pub with no entertainment for them though, it's just a recipe for disaster.

I was early 20s when I fell pregnant with ds, it's amazing how people you thought were your friends become almost jealous of the fact that you have to prioritise your child.

zzzzz Mon 10-Feb-14 10:22:50

Very rude, and frankly very silly of her. She may have something going on, but she shouldn't be treating you like this and you mustn't allow it.

Either ignore completely and if she ever brings it up say "I thought it was rude but you're a friend so I tried to take it a face value and forgot about it.....I have quite a lot going on"

Or send a text back saying "that was incredibly rude, lets talk in a month or so when you're more yourself"

Chin up. Babies let you see the world through a different window....<whispers in the long run its MUCH better>

BookABooSue Mon 10-Feb-14 10:23:30

Bridget I'm not sure if your post was to me? I don't know why she would suggest a time when your dd will be with you unless she (a) thought your dd would be ok in the pub or (b) her current crisis has some kind of time limit iyswim ie she needs to decide about something by Wed.
Your idea to suggest meeting during your lunch break from work seems to make sense.

pianodoodle Mon 10-Feb-14 10:24:45

So rude of her. You suggested a good compromise that would ensure your DD was happy too.

I'm the same I can never get a baby sitter for during the week days and DD is the same age.

Also - I do have other things to do during the day as well that I have to fit in around any outings. It's funny how people who have the afternoon off work assume you're just free all day since you're "at home" with the child/children smile

My best friend had her babies before me and always brought them along during the week - but then I actually cared about seeing her - the venue didn't matter that much!

FunkyBoldRibena Mon 10-Feb-14 10:29:12

BJP - I think it is incredibly rude to expect you to traipse on the bus for an hour at her whim, and back - during her sole two hours off to do what she wants when she wants. And then to get snitty at you because you want to make sure your daughter isn't bored.

Xenadog Mon 10-Feb-14 10:30:47

I think you would be better off meeting your friend without a child in tow then you can have a proper catch up and be just you without having to be "mum" throughout the chat and gossip. Surely you would enjoy it more without constantly checking on your LO and fretting that they are OK?

Your friend has a single lifestyle and doesn't understand that yours is so different (it might be hard for her to do so until she has a child of her own) so I would say she is guilty of being a bit selfish and inconsiderate.

If she is normally a good friend then I would try to arrange a new time to meet her without your child and then explain to her that whilst it's great to meet up you do have other considerations so can she bear that in mind in future. Then I would enjoy your time with her.

If she is generally a PITA I wouldn't bother replying and indeed "forget it."

BridgetJonesPants25 Mon 10-Feb-14 10:38:23

See maybe that is where I'm different and that's why I don't get it. If I had a crisis with a time-limit and the time or venue etc didn't suit my friend I would just phone confused

She only gave me a couple of days notice so easily could have already had plans. I will maybe suggest a lunch break but I only get half an hour normally. Will go in early to make the extra half hour up to allow a quick lunch. I cannot stay late at work so it really does mean it can only be one hour maximum.

Before I had my DD one of my friends had a child and I knew if we met up during the week that plans really had to be made round her to accommodate her son.

I feel sorry for her if she is going through something but how on earth am I meant to know if she doesn't tell me? When I left my ExH when DD was a baby I didn't expect people who knew none of what had happened to telepathically realise what a hard time it was.

BridgetJonesPants25 Mon 10-Feb-14 10:43:12

I think you would be better off meeting your friend without a child in tow then you can have a proper catch up and be just you without having to be "mum" throughout the chat and gossip. Surely you would enjoy it more without constantly checking on your LO and fretting that they are OK?

Like I said in a PP I would have jumped at the chance to meet for a night out for a proper catch up but it is impossible with someone who won't arrange something on a weekend because they don't want to travel into the city centre (half way) to meet. I really do get very little down time and my last night out was October. If I do have an evening to myself I really don't want to spend 5 hours of it travelling (2.5 hours there over 2 buses and 2.5 hours back).

I think that last post pretty much sums it up, she isn't willing to meet half way on anything. sad

Xenadog Mon 10-Feb-14 10:52:00

Ahh OP, sorry I didn't see that comment about her not wanting to travel to you at the weekend.

Well it's your call. She has to understand that your life has different priorities and so she needs to be more flexible with making arrangements with you.

Are you keen to keep this friendship going or not?

FWIW I was the very last one of my friends to have a child and I made sure that I would always go to their home if childcare was an issue. I didn't mind travelling 30 miles or so to go for lunch (and bring flowers/cakes/lunch/whatever) where the DC could be looked after happily in their own home and where my friends could relax and not stress over childcare. Friendships evolve and sometimes we just out grow them.

BridgetJonesPants25 Mon 10-Feb-14 10:55:48

Maybe that's it. It could be we just don't have anything in common anymore.

I think I'll leave it a few weeks and maybe sent a text suggesting a night out. If she blows it off again then there really isn't much point in trying.

GTA5MASTER Mon 10-Feb-14 10:58:47

It was rude op but if she has a problem and really needs wine and to talk then I can see why she got upset.
I have kids and childless friends and when we meet I ask a friend or family member to babysit because it's hard to talk with kids about and the kids get bored too. Could you not ask someone to babysit as it's only for a couple of hours?

Pobblewhohasnotoes Mon 10-Feb-14 11:03:15

I don't you're being unreasonable OP. it's hard when you don't have babysitters on tap.

I have a 2 year old DS and there's no way he would sit in a highchair for two hours whilst I chat. I'm the only one with kids too out of my friends where I live, so we either arrange to meet at each others houses or I find a cafe with a play area so at least we can chat whilst DS can play. It has to be that way or I can't see them.

It's easy to say, oh well just meet up without a child in tow. Yes if you have plenty of childcare help! If she's unwilling to travel on a weekend then you don't have much choice.

I would forget it, if she contacts you again, tell her you did exactly that. She sounds unwilling to compromise.

BridgetJonesPants25 Mon 10-Feb-14 11:12:07

GTA5MASTER

But I am not a mind reader. If that is the case why not just say, "going through a hard time and could use a glass of wine and a chat". I can't ask family to babysit it's during the week. They all have jobs.

Pobblewhohasnotoes

Most of my friends are like yours. It's just a shame I can't seem to find common ground with this one particular friend.

Try again if you feel it's right. Don't be guilt tripped into it, which is what this sounds a little like. Good luck either way

SlimJiminy Mon 10-Feb-14 11:15:04

I don't have kids, but I still know that if I want an afternoon catch up with a mum friend we need to suggest somewhere child-friendly. And I'd never ask my friends who have kids to bring them along while we sit and get pissed drink wine together. Really weird. The text would make life much easier for me. I'd forget it. And I'd ignore every other text she sent me. It's just fucking rude and - things on her mind or not - there's no need for that.

shoom Mon 10-Feb-14 11:18:44

Is she used to being the one in change of your friendship? I.E. pre-children you would agree to her suggestions, be great company, be understanding and never ask much of her? And now you have other responsibilities and won't come running?

Does any of this sound at all familiar?

By responding now or in a couple of weeks you're giving her the message that it's fine for her to behave like this. How would she respond if you did this to her- "let's meet on x day , no I don't want to meet there, I want to meet here, oh just forget it."

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