V day underwear - friend's comment

[UnsureMom]

Have name-changed for this because it's really specific.

I was having a chat with my friend earlier this evening (in person) and the subject of valentines day plans came up.

Bit of background about each of us in case it's at all relevant. She has a relatively new boyfriend. They've been official for a month and were seeing each other for about 3 months before that. She has a 3 year old daughter. Before she got pregnant she was a size 10 and really happy with her figure. She put on a lot of weight during pregnancy and afterwards was about a size 20 for quite a while. Gradually over the last year she has lost all of the weight. She did this in a really unhealthy way by taking high caffeine diet pills and basically starving herself during the week (then getting very drunk and binging at the weekends). So now she is really happy with her figure and has mentioned a few times that it's the first time she feels comfortable having sex while she is sober.

I have been with my DP for a year and I'm around the same size now as I was when we met. I have steadily gained about 7 stone over the past 6 years and now I'm about a size 22 (wear a lot of leggings and dresses etc jn various sizes so quite hard to be certain). We have an 8 week old baby (got pregnant by accident very quickly!). I had a difficult pregnancy physically and mentally so our sex life suffered a lot. So me and my DP only had a few months of having sex which was enjoyable for me. We've had sex 2 or 3 times in the last few weeks but I still felt a bit uncomfortable physically because of my c section scar.

My friend and I are both 23. We have both suffered from depression on and off over the years but are both feeling quite happy and settled at the moment. I have a lot of issues with food (obsessively overeating and using food for comfort and used to binge and make myself sick in the past). I am aware of my emotional triggers now and focusing on losing weight in a healthy way as my baby has given me renewed drive to do this. I'm not going overboard with this because I'm still breastfeeding. My friend is fully aware of my issues with food and she knows I would like to lose weight. I am not happy being this size because I feel unhealthy and sluggish. It makes life more difficult generally too. I felt a lot more attractive when I was slim and would love to be slim again. I also know my partner does prefer slimmer women and would like me to lose weight, mainly for health reasons and because he knows I want to. He has always been very clear that he loves me and fancies me the way I am though and doesn't pressure me or make me feel insecure about my body in any way. So I do feel totally comfortable having sex with him.

I now feel that I'm ready to start having sex again and looking forward to it. We haven't had much opportunity what with our little baby and him working long hours. My mum is babysitting for us on valentines day. We are planning a night in the house just watching a film and having dinner together. I have bought some sexy lingerie to wear as a surprise for my DP.

When I told my friend this she said 'oh really... I would never have done that when I was at my biggest. I just wouldn't have felt comfortable!' Now this alone I would have found a bit insensitive but wouldn't have been insulted. She then went on to say 'to be fair, it's a bit like sprinkling glitter on shit isn't it!'. I just replied 'oh thanks very much' to which she said nothing. She didn't apologise and just changed the subject. I left soon after because I was angry and upset but didn't really want to have an argument about it.

I'm not sure if she meant to insult me or if she was just supremely insensitive. I definitely think she should have apologised when I pointed out that she was basically saying I look like shit now.

Just to point out, she has much more lavish plans for valentines day so it isn't jealousy that we're having a romantic night or anything. Also I have been positive about her weight loss and given her a lot of genuine compliments when I've seen her.

So AIBU to still feel so angry about this and think she should have apologised?

[deakymom]

i would be fuming and i think you need better friends her attitude stinks i hope she has flappy skin after all that unhealthy dieting and a dry vag on valentines night

im sure your undies will look fab on your bedroom floor

[Iwannalaylikethisforever]

Wow what a bitchy remark. That is nasty.
Tbh it sounds like she is jealous of your self confidence from what you have said about her.

[pussycatdoll]

What a cow !
Good for you for realising she's a bitch !

[TheDoctrineOfSnatch]

That was a nasty thing to say.im sure she was thinking about herself and how she felt, not about you, but vey thoughtless.

[OpalQuartz]

'to be fair, it's a bit like sprinkling glitter on shit isn't it!'. I just replied 'oh thanks very much' to which she said nothing. She didn't apologise and just changed the subject.

If a "friend" said that to me they would no longer be my friend. Vile.

[WorraLiberty]

That was an extremely nasty and bitchy thing for her to say.

She obviously has issues around weight too. I didn't even know it was possible to go from a size 10 to size 20 in nine months???

I don't know what to suggest here really.

Part of me thinks you should just cut her out of your life and the other part of me thinks she might have said it because she was thinking about her own self at that size.

Either way it was a shit thing to say and I hope you don't take it to heart

[BlackDaisies]

Very nasty comment. And despite what you say I would put money on her being jealous of you in some way. Your relationship sounds lovely - I bet it's connected to that. You don't need people like that in your life.

[Jolleigh]

This isn't a friend OP. It's a skinny twat who looks down on big women.

The absolute fucking cheek!

[ScrambledeggLDCcakeBOAK]

She is a caffeine riddled bi*ch! You will look great. she will look like a horror show because her body will look ravaged by the way she has gained then lost the weight.

Go for it and have a fantastic night!

[DietofWorms]

When I got to the 'sprinkling glitter on shit' bit I actually went

I actually did.

[Topaz25]

Good for you for dealing with your issues with food and deciding to lose weight in a healthy way. It sounds like she has unresolved issues which she is taking out on you. I would take a step back from the friendship, particularly if she doesn't realise what she has said and apologise! She sounds just as toxic as the diet pills she has been taking!

[Topaz25]

Dietofworms me too! I have form for putting my foot in it accidentally but I don't see how that remark could have been construed as anything but deliberately cruel.

[CoffeeTea103]

That's not a friend you have there. I'm that someone could even say that.

[Joysmum]

Oh it's certainly possible to go from a 20 to a 10 in 9 months. I did a VLCD (very low calorie diet) on the advice of my GP and went from a size 22 to an 8 in 8 months. That was a couple of years ago now.

Tbh, it doesn't matter what size I am, I could be very confident at a size 20 and very insecure and lacking confidence at a size 8. What my DH finds most attractive is when I'm confident in myself, not my size. When I was confident, my weight tended to fall. My confidence didn't rise because my weight fell. I think that's what many people fail to appreciate when they look to lose weight.

That fact that this friend feels the need to belittle you, says to me that despite her dieting success, she's not as secure as people might think her to be. This isn't then a reflection if you, it's speaking volumes about her own insecurities.

Enjoy valentines night. If you can be secure and confident in your sexuality, your DH will very much appreciate it, no matter what size you are

[Emlou1984]

What an insensitive bitch! She will pile it all back on, A-because losing it in a quick and unhealthy way is never going to last, and B-karma ! You will look and feel fab, pamper yourself, exfoliate, nice top to toe moisturiser, but if perfume, and you'll feel fab! On the subject of weightloss whilst breast feeding though, Slimming World is recommended by midwives and is a fab healthy way to eat healthily for life, NOT a diet! It factors in additional allowances for breast feeding mums, so if you feel you wanted to lose weight (for you, not for your 'friend' or anyone else !) then this may an option! Good luck with everything and enjoy your date night! xx

[BerylStreep]

Really not nice

I can't imagine any one of my friends saying that, and if they did, they would be dropped in a flash.

Have a lovely valentines night. Don't be hard on yourself, you have a 8 week old baby.

[chirpchirp]

What a disgusting thing to say. She might not be jealous of your plans for valentines day but I would put money on her being jealous of your relationship with your partner. Regardless of size your DP is still finds you sexy and you have the confidence and stability in your relationship to not let it bother you.

I would keep her at arms length she doesn't sound like a friend.

Good luck with losing weight in a much more sensible way.

[Mrswellyboot]

Oh no, that was uncalled for and downright bitchy.

I sadly had to remove an old 'friend' from my life who was niggling away at my confidence for the best part of a decade. Relief!

Have a lovely valentines day

[LosingItSlowly]

I've had these sort of thoughts about myself, and tbh, I can see it feasible that my own horrible inner monologue could slip out while talking to a friend in a similar situation.

However, I would have been mortified and apologised straight away. I find it disturbing that she didn't even acknowledge how you were effected by what she said, and I wouldn't keep a friend who could so easily dismiss my feelings.

[LittleBabyPigsus]

What an awful comment. Tbh it just sums up the attitude towards beauty and weight in our society, that big women shouldn't feel confident, sexy or happy in themselves. It sounds like she has a lot of issues around weight still.

[LosingItSlowly]

Argh, 'affected', not 'effected'.

[UnsureMom]

Thanks all! I did feel like it was aimed at me even though she would definitely deny it if I called her on it. I'm of course totally caught up in my baby at the moment so I can't really deal with the stress of 'cutting her out'. If I did it in person or on the phone it would turn into a huge discussion/argument which I don't want or need at the moment. I wouldn't feel right doing it in any other way though. I think I will take the coward's way out and just be busy any time she wants/needs me!

[Pigeonhouse]

What a revolting thing to say. It says a lot about her and her weak sense of self, and nothing about you.

[UnsureMom]

Yeah, to me the main issue was that she didn't acknowledge or apologise. There's no way she couldn't have realised how insulting and hurtful that was to me after she said it, even if I'm going to be naive enough to believe she didn't say it to be intentionally dickish. I know this is 100% about her own issues but couldn't really understand why she would be so nasty when she is now happy with her weight. A few of you have raised some interesting points about her being jealous. I suppose I never considered this because she now has a boyfriend she is happy with. She has had huge issues with her XP (father of her DD) both in their relationship and with regards to contact with DD etc. so I suppose it could be this.

[WorraLiberty]

I don't think she sounds jealous

I just think she sounds nasty because she's lost weight and now sees herself as superior for some reason.

A bit like an ex smoker who calls other smokers disgusting and smelly etc...

It doesn't take long for some people to forget how they felt in the past.

The more I think about it, the more I think you should not contact her again. See if she contacts you and what she has to say for herself.