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To tell DD we need to invite this child to her party?

(23 Posts)
AwfulMaureen Sun 09-Feb-14 20:58:46

Since preschool my DD and E have been mates. It's not always been an easy relationship with some issues with E being controlling but they have managed to stay friends.

They're only in year 1 and to be honest I wasn't that keen on te friendship as E is very controlling and would bully other girls to stay away from my DD.

DD has managed to break the circle now and seems to be playing with three of her other friends more...she says when E joins in it often spoils things though from what I can tell, DD never excludes E...

Anyway...it's DDs birthday soon and I can only afford for her to have 4 or 5 children. She is adamant she doesn't want to invite E as "E is mean to me sometimes and squeezes me too tight."

But....at the start of this term, E invited DD over to play at hers one saturday and DD accepted and enjoyed herself.

They've been to one another house a few times over the past year...how can I possibly exclude her? I am a bit friendly with her Mother in that we do chat in the playground and it would be incredibly awkward not to ask the girl. What do I do?

Playdoughcaterpillar Sun 09-Feb-14 21:02:24

Let her choose, i would agree if was a big party but it's not. Sounds like e might spoil it. You don't have to invite everyone you've ever had a play date with. I would just say to es mum that you let DD choose if she asks.

Abbierhodes Sun 09-Feb-14 21:04:14

I wouldn't invite her. Your DD needs to know that you value her feelings.

Iwannalaylikethisforever Sun 09-Feb-14 21:04:30

I don't feel the mothers' relationship is relevant Maureen. If E is known for being a control freak then she may cause problems for your dd when faced with having to "share" her attention. I would be clearly asking dd do you want E at your party?

Annunziata Sun 09-Feb-14 21:08:47

One Saturday ages ago isn't that important. Let her have the girls she wants.

AwfulMaureen Sun 09-Feb-14 21:13:33

Oh I hate being a "troublemaker" and I admit I do feel nervous of E's Mother telling people "She didn't invite E and they're BEST friends!" because they were...not that long ago....but friendships are so fluid at this age aren't they? They're only coming up 6!

I almost feel like over stretching myself so I can just invite the whole blinking class!

Mia4 Sun 09-Feb-14 21:13:38

YABU, ask your dd outright if she wants E at her party. It may be awkward for you in the future, it may not, it's not fair to make things awkward for your DD to save your own awkwardness.

Mia4 Sun 09-Feb-14 21:15:50

I am biased because I always had to have my mum's friends DD at my parties and we went there a couple of times, this DD was and still is a complete bitch. She'd be happy to play with me away from school and come to my birthdays, at school or her birthdays she would take the piss and make me feel like shit. I wish my mum had listened to me rather then worry about her friend being upset.

intheround Sun 09-Feb-14 21:17:46

It's your daughters party, please let her choose.
Every year the invite list is likely to change.
It's not about what other parents think, it's about your DD enjoying her day.

AwfulMaureen Sun 09-Feb-14 21:19:46

Yes I know...this friendship has been a pain since day one with DD complaining about the girl being bossy. We had to go in in reception as E was kicking other kids that tried to play with DD. On a one to one basis, E is much better....she just can't seem to work out in a group.

TruJay Sun 09-Feb-14 21:22:21

It sounds like E wants your daughter all to herself, some kids are just like that. I had a friend like it and we got on fabulously as long as we did things just the 2 of us. Things didn't go well when other friends were involved. I would let your DD decide who is coming to the small party and then possibly arrange for E to come over for a birthday tea, another day just the 2 of them. I understand how it feels with these dilemmas as my son's 4th birthday is coming up and there are children he doesn't want coming to the party whose parents i talk to yet its his party his choice, i want him to enjoy himself. Will see how it goes down with them as handing out invites tomorrow!!

bodygoingsouth Sun 09-Feb-14 21:26:07

your dds party your dds guest list. she's a person in her own right. nowt to do with you who she invites.

really can see your points but seriously listen to your dd here.

invite the friend for tea another night but only if dd wants her.

Ifcatshadthumbs Sun 09-Feb-14 21:31:44

Your dd probably had a nice time at E's house because it was just the two of them I suspect in a small group party things will be different. I would never go out of my way to exclude a child from a big party but as you are only having a handful it is fair for your dd to choose those she really wants to be there.

Have E over for a tea one day and call it a birthday tea party.

whomadeyougod Sun 09-Feb-14 21:32:19

why would you invite a child your dd is not good friends with , dont push this friendship it will end in tears later.

It's such a small number to have for a party it won't look odd if E's MUm asks why she wasn't invited and you say that numbers were very limited.

ashtrayheart Sun 09-Feb-14 21:38:12

My eldest dd was like E at around that age-she has lots of issues now but she was always very controlling around friendships. I say let your dd invite who she would actually like to be there.

HerGraciousMajTheBeardedPotato Sun 09-Feb-14 21:40:07

YABU. Your dd most certainly does not have to invite the other girl.

I was in a similar situation with my dd, made even more uncomfortable in that her mum and I were friends and our youngests are friends. By Y1 or 2 our DDs got on perfectly well in one-to-ones outside school, but disliked each other intensely in school. They never go to each other's parties. Her mum also recognises the situation and accepts it. I think we apologised to each other for the first couple of years of non-inviteds, now we don't bother. We're just glad that the girls get on well enough out of school and away from their peers, that it does not cause problems in our friendship and the two families can still do things together.

NoodleOodle Sun 09-Feb-14 21:58:33

As it's a small guest list, I would let DD choose the guests and exclude E with no objections. If E's mother makes any complaining noises, you could say that because you are so sure of E's friendship, they can have a play date together to celebrate, but as the guest list had to be small for this party you wanted to help DD expand her social circle by inviting a different group.

ENormaSnob Sun 09-Feb-14 22:03:28

Yabu

lazyhound444 Sun 09-Feb-14 22:06:49

Let her invite who she wants. I have awful memories of being forced into friendships with people I couldn't bear just because my Mum didn't want to offend anyone. I endured many an unpleasant afternoon being hit/kicked/ridiculed by a girl my Mum was friends with her Mum. I swore I'd never do it to my own children and always try and listen to their instincts.

AwfulMaureen Sun 09-Feb-14 22:28:22

Well I'm not friends with the Mother...I won't make her.

2rebecca Sun 09-Feb-14 23:14:08

If E's mum says anything you can always say "they used to be good friends but you know what children are like they change best friends and she chose to invite some others and we could only have 5". Honest and makes it clear they aren't best friends.
I see no reason why she should be invited if your daughter is only having a few folk and this child bullies her a bit.

moominmarvellous Mon 10-Feb-14 01:07:16

I had this last month with DD. Our controlling friend is also an 'E' and DD didn't name her when I asked for 8 names for the party so that was that.

I felt slightly awkward when I saw E's Mum in the playground (having not seen her for ages - sods law) but in the grand scheme of things, I'd rather me feel awkward for half an hour than have DD feel she needs to spend time with people that make her feel bad.

I also think these things set a precedent for the future and I don't want DD to be a doormat.

Be nice, you get invited to stuff. Be a controlling tight hugging pain the ass, you don't. These E's need to learn.

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