D for effort..AIBU?

(58 Posts)
Hypermutley Sun 09-Feb-14 11:59:14

So t'was my b'day on Friday. As I've not been treated to nice meal in previous b'days - has always been a last minute dash to find a nice restaurant etc - I booked my favourite restaurant back in October. It was a lovely meal.
DH's actions: give me a card around 11pm when we got home after dinner bought from Tesco (I don't care but he always insists it Clintons between the two of us).
Lovely flowers on Saturday (confessed that he ordered on Friday AM) along with a bottle of rose and a box of chocolates delivered as a package from the flower company.
Further, he hadn't bought anything else in the way of party food (we always do this although it is just the two of us at this party), so I bought the usual on Thursday PM.
Admittedly I am hard to buy gifts for - I return things I spend ages hunting and buying myself.

Even so, AIBU to expect a little effort from DH? he hadn't even planned anything for the weekend. We had breakfast around noon and he was looking for things to do and I just couldn't be arsed after that. (it's nearly always me who finds things to do for us and I've told him he needs to find something, then its always the bloody f** 'shops' when he knows I'm not a big shopper - cop out?!). He could have ordered something cheap as a gift even a box of chocolates picked out himself rather than from the bloody flower shop.

DanceParty Sun 09-Feb-14 12:01:18

He bought you a card, flowers, chocolates, wine, and you went out to dinner. And you want more? Are you always this high maintenance?

turningvioletviolet Sun 09-Feb-14 12:04:51

One year i got a (small) box of Thorntons toffee from DH. Just that. Nothing else. And the Thorntons shop is less than a 5 minute walk away from our house. It was not the best birthday ever.

DarlingGrace Sun 09-Feb-14 12:07:52

Good grief.

Would you like one of my spare grips?

Bloody hell.

formerbabe Sun 09-Feb-14 12:12:14

I agree with the op. Its pretty shit. My dh isn't great at birthdays. I have to spell out exactly what I would like. If I didn't I would get nothing for my birthday...oh and he always leaves the price on the card, which is always completely unsuitable!

You're sounding rather ungrateful.

You went to a restaurant
Had flowers
Chocolates
Wine.

You've admitted you're hard to buy for.

CoffeeTea103 Sun 09-Feb-14 12:13:24

Yanbu, I don't understand why people seem to have the idea that a birthday must be no big deal and you should not expect anything special from your partner.
My DH goes out of his way every single year and I do the same to make it an extra special day which it is. Yanbu to expect much more effort than that, not last minute after thoughts and you even had to book your own dinner!

DanceParty Sun 09-Feb-14 12:19:26

and you even had to book your own dinner!

She booked it herself LAST OCTOBER !! He didn't even get a chance!

Hypermutley Sun 09-Feb-14 12:24:33

I haven't stated what I thought was it the obvious - he hasn't done anything for me that I always do for him for b'days. Is that expecting too much?

I booked the dinner and I jolly well can I pay for it myself. 8 years together, apart from the first 2-3 years he has not booked a dinner for my b'day, but I have for his. every year. incidentally I also book our valentines dinner every year.

turningviolet, see that's the thing, I get him Thornton chocs because he loves them. but I don't really like chocolates that much and he got them for me. if he's got me a food I like that would have been enough to show that he's been thoughtful.

gordyslovesheep Sun 09-Feb-14 12:27:26

Birthday stop being 'extra special' after 21 - and as an adult I can buy the things I want for myself - I would be happy with spending some quality time with the person or people who love me

you sound very ungreatful

Fantissue Sun 09-Feb-14 12:28:04

So you sort everything out yourself? Where exactly is your other half's incentive to actually try?

High maintenance - get a grip.

moondog Sun 09-Feb-14 12:28:37

Laughing at Clintons being considered more upmarket that Tesco

Get a grip. How can he organise anything when you did it yourself four months ago?!

Monetbyhimself Sun 09-Feb-14 12:31:31

How many of the gifts he's previously bought you have you returned?

TequilaItMakesMeHappy Sun 09-Feb-14 12:32:19

To be honest, if I'm buying a gift for someone who exchanges them routinely and is by their own admission hard to buy for I put in a lot less effort as I kinda think what's the point???

Are you both the same type of person? I don't think there's anything inherently wrong in not planning things, but I'm the type of person who enjoys doing things more spur of the moment.

You do sound awfully high maintenance though, sorry! Dinner, gifts, cards, wine, party food (never heard of this for a birthday, and not sure how it works if you're out for dinner).

Tesco have a great range of cards!

Why are you surprised at his behaviour - it sounds like you could've guessed that would happen (you DID guess that - you booked the restaurant yourself).

Logg1e Sun 09-Feb-14 12:47:49

I'm not convinced that "bidet" is going to take off as a new version of "birthday".

cory Sun 09-Feb-14 12:57:48

This post reminds me of one of the most painful episodes of my teen years: my mother's landmark birthday. She is usually very easy to buy for and very grateful, but on this occasion she had psyched herself up to the point where my dad could see quite clearly that nothing he could manage would be good enough. So he got more and more nervous and in the end hid his head in the sand and did nothing, just a vague promise of something nice to come later on. Horrible, horrible day, horrible, horrible memory. But could have been so easily avoided by letting him feel that she would be pleased and happy with even a small gift.

Sorry, but if you make a habit of showing him that his gifts aren't good enough, then he will start thinking it's not worth his while.

Hypermutley Sun 09-Feb-14 12:57:53

he has had 5 years to 'try' and never has, so I wanted to treat myself. he's had chances and didn't step up so I did it for myself. i haven't seen Tesco cards before but the card i got is significantly less nice looking than the clionton ones he's got me before.

he's got me 3 gifts in total over the last 10 years and I've returned one. that was because we went to rayban i picked out a pair and said i'll think about it. he secretly went to get it for my b'day......and got the wrong ones.

i have to say exactly what i want and pick it out? what's the point, i might as well get it myself.

to all who say i am high maintenance, a B&J's ice cream from Tesco for £4.50 would have made my day. but no, i get chocolates that he knows I'm don't like that much. What's the point of sharing your life with someone if they cant celebrate your f* special day once a bloody year by making a small effort.

btw, he wants Clinton cards - i think cards are meh and happy to not exchange them. so why is it ok for him to get me something from Tesco and then oh yes, apologise for getting them from Tesco.

Hypermutley Sun 09-Feb-14 13:00:33

oh yes and six years ago i got asked what i wanted for xmas, we were in JL and i showed him something and said that looks cute i'll have that. £9.50 a pair stuff high maintenance commenters. six years of x-mases and b'days later i never got that. when he's asked in subsequent years I've told the same thing. i still haven't got that.

everlong Sun 09-Feb-14 13:03:11

Yabu and bratty

cory Sun 09-Feb-14 13:04:22

well you did say in your OP "Admittedly I am hard to buy gifts for - I return things I spend ages hunting and buying myself"- how were we to know this was not an accurate representation?

if this isn't what you want to be judged on, don't say it

TequilaItMakesMeHappy Sun 09-Feb-14 13:08:15

High maintenance does not equal expensive!

Your demands of pre-arranged party food, gifts, dinners, weekends planned out etc are high maintenance. Maybe a couple of those things wouldn't be, but everything together? I don't think I'd bother trying to please you as it sounds an impossible task. That's why you're high maintenance!

Monetbyhimself Sun 09-Feb-14 13:12:17

You still bear a grudge from six years ago ? shock

Is your relationship ok otherwise ?

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